


Still

by Perry_Downing



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Caregiver Kylo, Catatonic Rey, F/M, Happy Ending, Medium Burn, Pygmalion and Galatea, Romance, Seems Creepy But it Isn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-29
Updated: 2016-08-17
Packaged: 2018-07-19 00:43:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 15
Words: 52,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7337746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Perry_Downing/pseuds/Perry_Downing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He’s brushing her hair. He loves the feeling of the soft strands of her chestnut tresses as he works, gently untangling each snag until it lays like a sheet of gleaming silk. He keeps it down, always. He misses looking into her eyes, but being able to be close to her like this makes it almost bearable. At least that’s what he tells himself.</p><p>He misses her fire, her fight. He misses her voice.  He misses how she would turn every interaction into a struggle for dominance. He misses how she would win. He misses when her eyes would betray her, and he knew she didn’t hate him. He misses her.</p><p>Though he treasures having her with him, Kylo Ren would do anything to change how this had happened, how she had come to be his. His; silent, still, beautiful, perfect Rey.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> And we're off! Hot Topic has Cinnabon in his quarters, catatonic. Sure, it's creepy, but he lurves her so it's okay. 
> 
> \---
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you to perfection embodied, my beta Meaghan M/Juulna. She is now beta'ing two stories for me which means 3-4 chapters a week. She is a goddess and I am absolutely certain I am not worthy.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who continues to be so tremendously supportive. He put up with quite a lot as I got the rough draft of this piece together for the due date.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MeganD1, The Dark Becomes You, MissHarper, and Terapid for reading pieces/all of it and providing excellent insights!
> 
> Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy my latest tale.
> 
> Hoping to post on Wednesdays and Fridays.

_Now_

 

He’s brushing her hair. He loves the feeling of the soft strands of her chestnut tresses as he works, gently untangling each snag until it lays like a sheet of gleaming silk. He keeps it down, always. He likes to run his hands through it, and she looks so lovely with it around her delicate shoulders. He never cared for the severe buns. He keeps the light in her chamber warm and soft, he does what he can to beat back the coldness of space. A simple white gown covers her from clavicle to ankle. She is perfect; he can watch her for hours. He has his mask off, as he always does when he’s with her. He prefers that there be no barrier between them and he knows how much she hates his helmet. He misses looking into her eyes, but being able to be close to her like this makes it almost bearable. At least that’s what he tells himself.

 

The medical droid says, “Sir, it’s time for her nutrients.” Kylo is frustrated at being interrupted but he steps back, and the droid begins her daily regimen, providing the sustenance and fluids needed to keep her alive and breathing.

 

He misses her fire, her fight. He misses her voice.  He misses how she would turn every interaction into a struggle for dominance. He misses how she would _win_. He misses when her eyes would betray her, and he knew she didn’t hate him. He misses _her_.

 

Though he treasures having her with him, Kylo Ren would do anything to change how this had happened, how she had come to be his. His; silent, still, beautiful, perfect Rey.

 

_Then_

 

Kylo is waiting, crouched, just like before. He already has his mask off in anticipation. Her face is bathed in the orange light of his interrogation room and she’s in the chair. He finds he wants to touch her. But he controls himself and watches. He can be endlessly patient so long as he can gaze on her. This time it will be different. He won’t frighten her, he won’t invade her mind. They’ll just talk and he will persuade her.

 

She’s rousing; her eyes flutter and she jerks awake. He watches as she realizes where she is, sees as she starts to panic.

 

“No, Rey, you’re safe.” This is the first time he’s said her name out loud.

 

“Safe,” she scoffs.

 

“Yes. Safe, here. With me.”

 

Her endless hazel eyes capture him. He forgets that he is the master here. He just wants her to soften.

 

“With you.” Rey is cold in her scorn.

 

“Yes, with me. You have nothing to fear from me.” There―that should help her see.

 

“You, who killed your father, almost crippled Finn, nearly killed me. I’m _safe_?” Her voice is harsh and her lips curl.

 

She just had to bring up Han Solo. “You don’t understand.”

 

“Oh I understand perfectly. You’re a _monster_ ,” she accuses, her eyes full of loathing.

 

This is not going as he had planned. “I can see why you might think that. But there is much you do not know.”

 

“Really. So you _didn’t_ kill your own father?”

 

He stands and paces, running his fingers through his hair. He’s so frustrated. Why won’t she let him show her; why must she challenge him?

 

“You don’t know what it was like, having him as a father.” Unwelcome memories come for him, then. How, when he had been a boy, he had tried to so hard find his way to Han Solo, never understanding the caution, the distance. Kylo understands all too well now.

 

“Oh, he _disappointed_ you? At least you _had_ a father.” Her contempt strikes at him.

 

“Did it ever occur to you that maybe you were lucky to have no one? No one to fail you? No one to _disappoint_ you?” He’s losing his temper now. It’s all unravelling and he can’t seem to pull the strings back together.

 

“Poor Ben Solo―daddy didn’t love you enough?” she taunts.

 

“Do not use that name.” It hurts. He’s reminded intensely of when he had last been Ben Solo and he brushes it aside quickly.

 

“Why? It’s yours. They _gave_ it to you.”

 

This is all going horribly wrong and he doesn’t know what to do.

 

“This is not why we’re here,” he says, trying to regain authority.

 

“Oh, going to wander through my mind again?”

 

“No … no. I won’t do that again.”

 

“So you don’t need the map any longer?”

 

“No, the Supreme Leader has different priorities now.” He’s so grateful he doesn’t need to find Luke Skywalker any longer. He hopes he never has to see that man again.

 

“Why should I believe anything _you_ have to say?” She’s looking at him like he’s less than nothing. He’s unbalanced.

 

“Because I have never lied to you and I will _never_ lie to you,” Kylo promises.

 

“Fine. Why am I here?”

 

“Because you still need a teacher.”

 

“And I suppose _you’re_ going to teach me? No thank you. I’ve seen what you have to offer and I’m not interested.”

 

He slams the bulkhead and grinds out, “You have _no idea_ what I’m offering you and you still just dismiss it?”

 

“What are you _offering_ me, then? What can you possibly give me that I could ever _want_ ,” she says, her eyes narrowing in disdain. For one awful moment he thinks she knows. Knows how he pines. Knows how he hopes.

 

“Power. Control. I know how you’ve suffered; wouldn’t you like to be free of being beholden to others?” He remembers, oh how he remembers the terror of not being able to defend himself.

 

“You don’t know me at all if you think I want power. What would I do with power? Control? Not at the price _you’ve_ paid.”

 

This causes him to pause. He had thought … he had thought that would sway her. That her difficult life of desperate scrabbling would have made her crave power over herself and others. It’s the only thing that saved him. He realizes he must retreat. He needs to think. He turns on his heel and strides to the door.

 

“Wait, where are you going?” She sounds almost afraid.

 

“That’s none of your concern.”

 

“You’re just going to leave me here, strapped to this _thing_?”

 

He hadn’t thought of that. He just needs to get away, try to find a new tactic. He’s failing so badly.

 

“I … I’ll have you moved to a cell where you’ll be more comfortable.” Perhaps a concession will pacify her.

 

“Oh thank you very much,” she says sarcastically.

 

Or not.

 

“Fine, I’ll leave you where you are.”

 

“No! No … thank you, a cell would be better.”

 

He nods sharply and leaves quickly, replacing his mask.

 

\---

 

He’s in his quarters, sitting with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped against his chin. The room is dark with no adornments, nothing to indicate it belongs to Kylo Ren save the raptor-like mask placed on the low table in front of him. He’s deep in thought, wondering what to do. She doesn’t want power. She doesn’t want what _he’d_ wanted. He needs to comprehend her and he’s not sure how. He just … needs her. Needs her to feel just a bit of the madness coursing through his blood. Ever since he’d seen her in the forest, held her in his arms …

 

Oh, that had been bliss like he’d never known. Her small form so warm and solid against him. He’d felt the firmness of her thighs against his fingers and the softness of her body against his chest. Something new and terrifying had stirred in him that day. A spark that rages in him now. Rey had stolen his reason and captured him utterly. He’s certain he does not deserve her, but he can’t keep the dreams at bay.

 

Now he is so close. He has her again and it is all going so badly. None of it as he’d imagined it. He thinks she might hate him and he’s filled with fear and regret. He wonders, if he’d not killed Han Solo … but that is a dangerous train of thought and he shies away quickly.

 

Rey … what does he know about her? He knows her life was hard, that she was so unhappy. He knows she kept herself running on an ever-dimming hope. Hope that her family would return. He knows that she is fierce. He knows that she is curious. He knows that she’s exceptionally angry with him. And suddenly he knows what he will do.

 

\---

 

He’s outside her cell, finding himself nervous. He’s remembering this feeling. He had been 16 and that clever girl at the Academy had smiled at him shyly and he had wanted to talk to her. He had forgotten what it was like to be so unsure. He doesn’t like it.

 

Kylo wonders if he should knock and then remembers himself. He is her master and she will do his bidding. He opens the door to find her pacing.

 

“Where have you been?” she asks furiously.

 

“I … what?”

 

“No one told me anything, just brought me here and left me. It’s been _hours_ and I don’t know what to expect. Why am I here? What are you going to _do_ with me?” Well, clearly she’s not afraid of him.

 

He strides over to where she stands and looms over her. She steps back, fear flickering across her face. It should fill him with satisfaction to see her cower, but instead he takes a step back.

 

“You will come with me. Now,” he orders through his mask.

 

“No.”

 

“You are under the impression that you have a choice?” He advances on her again, using his considerable height to intimidate her. She shrinks from him and behind his mask he flinches. He must get through to her and for that he would prefer her cooperation, but he will force her submission if need be.

 

“You will come with me,” he repeats.

 

She’s silent, looking like a caged animal, her eyes flitting back and forth. “Where?” she whispers.

 

“You’ll see.” He wraps his hand around her arm and pulls her firmly from the cell. She shrugs off his hold defiantly but her eyes are very wary.

 

He’s about to grab her again when she says, “I’ll come, alright?” Her tone is grudging.

 

He walks her to the training room, a large, cavernous chamber with all manner of weapons and sparring droids lining the walls. Rey takes it all in and she seems bewildered.

 

“You’re such a little spitfire, we’re going to fight. See if you can best me again,” he challenges.

 

“You want ... you want to fight?” she asks in confusion.

 

“Well, spar, really. I won’t be putting a lightsaber in your hands if that’s what you’re thinking. A staff, if I remember correctly.”

 

She narrows her eyes at him. “Maker, you really did see everything, didn’t you?”

 

“Do not forget it.”

 

“Well I saw things, too,” she says recklessly.

 

He’s on her in an instant, his chest nearly touching hers. He’s looking down on her, his masked face hiding his fear. “You will not speak of that.”

 

Her fire is back. “I will say whatever I want.”

 

“No. You will not speak of that. Ever … please.” He can’t have her pushing him back to that place where he was powerless, before Snoke had lifted him up and given him his purpose.

 

He sees her face change. His entreaty has reached her. She steps back and turns from him. He only just keeps himself from reaching for her. What would she say if she knew how he burns?

 

He reaches up and removes his helmet, placing it on a narrow table. He walks to a collection of weapons and selects two staffs, throwing one to Rey. She catches it gracefully, testing the weight.

 

“We go to until one of us yields,” he instructs.

 

“I’d much prefer to fight until you’re incapacitated.” She’s glaring at him.

 

“That won’t happen, my dear.”

 

She raises an eyebrow at that. He sees her fire grow. Oh, she wants to hurt him now. Good.

 

She readies herself and he lunges first, hitting hard and firm. She deflects him easily enough, but he’s holding back. Kylo lets her drive him back a few steps, sees her arrogance grow. She thinks she’s besting him. He continues to deflect, never taking the openings she leaves him.

 

Then, when she has him almost to the wall, he pushes back, and suddenly she’s scrambling as he strikes, hard, fast, relentless. She’s stumbling backwards as he carefully lands each blow on her staff, not her. Never her. He has no wish to hurt her ever again. Strike, strike, strike, then she trips and lands on her back. He stands over her, his staff at her neck. “Yield.”

 

Her eyes are wide with shock. She thought she’d beat him and he’s dispatched her so easily.

 

He looks down on her and says, “I told you that you needed a teacher.”

 

_Now_

 

The droid has just finished her daily regimen and he’s able to be alone with her again.

 

“Oh, Rey. You are so very lovely. All through the day all I can think of is how I wish to be back here with you. The days are so tedious now that you are here. I want so much to ...” He doesn’t finish the thought that he wants to touch her _everywhere_. He’s certain she would never allow it; would never want him as he wants her. There had been flashes, moments when he would wonder, but then he would remember that he is a stained and foul thing. He’s holding her hand and stroking her cheek. She is still, but the medical droids keep the glow in her complexion.

 

“Today was particularly interminable. Hux does know how to go on and on. I wish I didn’t have to deal with him. He’s such a supercilious little lap dog. I don’t know why Supreme Leader puts up with him.”

 

He’s playing with her hair, as he often does as he tells her of his day.

 

“There’s something strange going on with the stormtroopers. Phasma assures me that she has it under control, but I’m not so sure. Ever since FN-2187 defected there have been … issues. He’s your friend, isn’t he? You told me once that I’d nearly crippled him. I wish I’d asked you more. I find I’d like to know. I do miss you, Rey. Your voice, your thoughts. I wonder all of the time what you’d have to say if you could …” He sighs and fears that this is fruitless. She’s been like this for almost two months. This is his Rey now, and he is content. For the most part. It is the lie he uses to keep from being ripped in two.

 

He notes the time and knows that he should go to bed. He looks at her longingly. How he would like to lie with her. Wrap her in his arms and sleep with her. But it is a step too far and he promises himself he won’t take it. He doesn’t know what she would want.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic is oblivious about why Cinnabon might be a little unhappy, then they behave like they're trapped in a 1930s romantic comedy. Hot Topic just wants Cinnabon to pretty please be his apprentice. Fast forward, is Cinnabon trying to wake up?

_Then_

 

He’s walking her back to her cell after sparring, helmet firmly in place. She’s very quiet and drawn in on herself. He wants to talk with her, but he doesn’t know what to say. And so they walk quietly. He senses the stormtroopers' confusion as they pass them in the corridors. He’s aware that the ship is beginning to talk. He hasn’t done a particularly good job of hiding his fascination with the scavenger.

 

She’d been captured in an attack on the Resistance base on Shenden—it had been pure, dumb luck. Kylo hadn’t been anywhere near the battle, but as soon as he’d read her name among those captured, he’d forced the _Tarkin_ to change course and rendezvous with the _Finalizer_. Snoke had granted his approval, but he knows his behavior was unusual. He does not generally ask for anything from his master.

 

The First Order’s success on Shenden was surprising; it has only been two months since _Starkiller_. The First Order was, and is, still recovering from their staggering loss, but their spy network holds. The Resistance’s mad dash to new bases after D’Qar had been compromised had led to them being overwhelmed on Shenden. Most of the Resistance had managed to flee, including Leia Organa. But Rey, _Rey_ had been captured, and that is all that matters to him. He knows that this is fruitless, that she would never turn to him, that he’s despicable for daring to have such thoughts about her. And yet he cannot seem to stop them.

 

They reach her cell and he removes his glove to press his hand to the access pad. He senses her eyes on his bare fingers and looks over at her. She’s staring intently as he places his palm on the sensor. He wonders if she’s attempting to gather information in order to escape.

 

“Something interest you, scavenger?”

 

“These are different than the access panels on the old Imperial Star Destroyers.”

 

“Well, I should hope so—that technology is older than I am.” He watches as she seems to be doing calculations in her head. She wants to know how old he is? Interesting …

 

The door opens and he bids her enter. She pauses.

 

“How long?” she whispers.

 

“How long will you be my prisoner?” Only as long as you fight me, he thinks.

 

“No … how long until you come back for me?” He can’t tell if she wants him to come back soon or is hoping that he won’t.

 

“I will return in the morning. We will begin your training then.”

 

“I’m not training with _you_ ,” she says sullenly.

 

He pulls her into the cell then, not wanting to fight with her in the corridor.

 

He removes his mask and says, “You’re here, and I have skills and knowledge that you need. Why not allow me to show you what you can do? It’s obvious that you still need someone to show you how to wield the power that courses through you. You’re brimming with it and I know it must be causing you problems.” He wonders why she didn’t go to Luke Skywalker, she knows how to find him. He’s grateful that Snoke has moved on to other projects, freeing Kylo from needing to procure the map. He always does as he is ordered, but that … that had been a particularly difficult task, taking him to places he never thinks about.

 

She glares at him but stays silent.

 

“Look, I remember when my powers first started to spike. It was _terrifying_. A moment of anger and something would shatter; a moment of joy and objects would fly across the room. That feeling, like you have no control, that you’re drowning and can’t catch your breath? I remember. You may not like it—you don’t have to—but you _do_ need a teacher.” He hopes simply being honest with her will help her to see. She’s quiet for a very long time.

 

“I don’t want to learn the dark side way,” she finally says, almost sadly.

 

“It’s not like that. There are a number of skills that are truly neutral. True, the way you go about more advanced practices is vastly different, but the base is the same.” She seems pensive.

 

“Rey, think about it? I’ll … tomorrow I’ll collect you and we’ll have breakfast together, talk about it?” He is so very nervous to ask this. He knows he shouldn’t be giving her choices, that he should simply inform her of what she will do … but he doesn’t want it to be like that.

 

Her bearing changes in an instant and she’s moving away from him. The moment of almost closeness has passed.

 

“No. I’m not eating with _you_ ,” she says as her lips curl in disdain.

 

“Rey …”

 

“And I’m not training with you either. Just leave me here to rot. Don’t come back.”

 

“You have no say on the matter; I come and go as I see fit.”

 

“Fine, I’ll just ignore you then.” She goes over to the low ledge that serves as a bed and sits with her back to him, her shoulders hunched.

 

“Rey …” he says softly.

 

“Please go away.” Her tone has become pleading.

 

“Just think about it?”

 

“Leave … please,” she almost begs.

 

He knows he shouldn’t stand for this; he knows he shouldn’t just do as she asks, but he finds himself saying, “Alright, Rey. I’ll be back in the morning.” He replaces his helmet.

 

As the door slides shut he hears her say, “Don’t bother.”

 

\---

 

Kylo is back in his quarters, a creeping sadness having taken hold of him. He doesn’t know what to do with this despondent, withdrawn Rey. He doesn’t understand what _happened_. She had been ready to take him on in all ways, but somehow beating her in the sparring room had changed things, and he’s not sure how. It’s like her fire just … went out. He finds he feels … guilty.

 

He can’t settle. He tries to meditate but gives up quickly, realizing it is pointless. He begins to pace back and forth. What happened; why did she change? What did he _do_? Where did her fight go?

 

He knows he should sleep just as he knows that he can’t possibly find rest.

 

It’s late, but he has to understand what has happened. He thrusts his helmet on his head and strides out of his rooms.

 

\---

 

He opens Rey’s cell and walks in purposefully. She’s lying on her side with her back to the door. She doesn’t move, and he wonders if she’s sleeping.

 

He hesitates in the middle of the room, unsure of what to do next. Kylo hadn’t thought much about what he would say, only that he couldn’t leave things as they were. He pulls his helmet from his head, holding it in crook of his arm.

 

He walks to her and he slowly extends his hand; he’s embarrassed to see it’s shaking. He lays it gently on her shoulder and says, “Rey?”

 

She shrugs his hand off and growls, “Don’t touch me,” but there’s no real heat to it.

 

“What’s wrong?” he asks softly, his tone tinged with worry.

 

Rey sits swiftly and turns towards him, her hazel eyes alight with fire. He’s impossibly relieved. There— _there_ she is.

 

“Wrong? What’s _wrong_? I’m trapped here with _you_ and you, you aren’t behaving the way I thought you would!” she exclaims.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“You’re my enemy. I _hate_ you. But you … you _understand,_ and I’m so confused.” Her words are harsh but she sounds lost.

 

“I’m not your enemy; I wish you no ill will.” And isn’t that the understatement of the age?

 

“Well I wish _you_ plenty of _ill will_ ,” Rey rebuts darkly.

 

He doesn’t know what to say to that, so he stays silent.

 

“Why … why did you do it?” she asks as she sits forward, and her eyes seem to pull him in.

 

“Do what?” He knows what she will say and he dreads to hear the words.

 

“Kill your own _father_. Even if I wanted to let you teach me, I can’t—not after what you did,” she says sadly.

 

“I’m not going to talk about that.” His words are clipped. The only way he can handle that awful moment on _Starkiller_ is to simply not talk about it, not _think_ about it.

 

“Why? Just tell me _why_? He was so good to me, and I thought … I thought I might have found a place to belong and you _took_ that from me. I deserve to know why,” she says.

 

“No, you do not. I don’t owe you an explanation. You knew him for two days; you have no right to any of it,” he deflects.

 

“You murdered him!” she says heatedly.

 

“I know!”

 

“Just help me understand,” Rey begs.

 

“I can’t!” he exclaims.

 

“Why not? Just tell me—I have to make sense of it. None of this makes any _sense_. You captured me, ripped open my mind, chased after me, tried to kill me-”

 

“No, I didn’t.” Does she truly not know what really happened that day in the snow?

 

“What?” she asks in confusion.

 

“I did _not_ try to kill you. If I had tried to kill you, you would be _dead_.”

 

“Well that scar on your face says otherwise,” she scoffs.

 

“Yes, you channeled the Force, got the upper hand ... but that was after I passed up _every_ opportunity to kill you. Before I let you go into battle meditation do you seriously think you were doing _anything_ other than barely surviving? I could have killed you in seconds if I’d wanted to.”

 

“Then why didn’t you?” she asks incredulously.

 

“Because … because you are strong with the Force and it would have been a waste.” She looks at him keenly, then. He’s sure she knows he’s not telling her everything.

 

“What else?”

 

“Isn’t that enough?” he evades.

 

“Why am I _here_? Just so you can turn me to the dark side, have a new little minion?”

 

“It wouldn’t be like that.” He won’t be using either Snoke _or_ Skywalker’s methods.

 

“Oh, I know it won’t. I won’t let it be. But you make no sense—you’re a murderer and you had a hand in the deaths of _billions_ , yet you’re almost … kind to me, you ask me to have _breakfast_ with you. It doesn’t add up.”

 

He’s terrified. She’s seeing right through him and he has no idea what to do. He grabs the one thing that doesn’t lead back to his shameful feelings for her.

 

“No, you’re wrong,” Kylo says.

 

“Wrong about what?”

 

“I had nothing to do with the Hosnian System.”

 

She snorts at that. “Oh really? You aren’t part of the First Order?” She raises her brows.

 

“I mean that it wasn’t my _choice_. I tried to stop it, but it was out of my hands.”

 

“You obviously didn’t try very hard, then,” she says sarcastically.

 

“It wasn’t my place.”

 

“Well whose place was it?”

 

“It was the Supreme Leader,” he answers stiffly.

 

“So you were just following orders.” She sounds so _snide_.

 

“I told you—I had nothing to do with it! I never did. That’s not … that’s not my role.”

 

“And what is your role, then?”

 

“I am the Supreme Leader’s apprentice. I fulfill his will as he sees fit,” he says loftily.

 

“So you _do_ just follow orders, do what you’re told.” She crosses her arms in front of her chest.

 

“That is generally what an apprentice does.” He can’t hide the defensiveness in his tone.

 

“And that’s what you want from me? To be your apprentice?” She puts it in such bald terms. He hadn’t planned on bringing that up for … he’s not even sure for how long.

 

“Ultimately, yes, that is what I want.” Oh how he _wants_.

 

“Well it won’t happen. Ever.” Rey glares at him.

 

“We’ll see,” he says softly.

 

She uncrosses her arms and holds her hands wide as she asks, “So all of _this_ , it’s because you want me as your _apprentice_?” He’s impossibly relieved; she’s provided him excellent cover.

 

“You are exceptionally strong in the Force. You are a worthy candidate.” He wonders when it became so much _more_. If he’s honest with himself, it always has been.

 

“Worthy. Well goody for me. That doesn’t change that it will _never_ happen.”

 

“You’ve only just arrived. How long can you last, I wonder, before you give in?”

 

“As long as I have to.” Rey thrusts her chin out stubbornly.

 

“If you let me teach you, you’ll be given your own quarters ... no cold cell?” He cocks his head to the side and raises a brow. He’s enjoying her fire.

 

“I lived in an old AT-AT for years, going without food for days at a time. This is paradise. Unless, of course, you plan on starving me into submission?”

 

The thought horrifies him. “No, I … I wouldn’t do that.”

 

She looks at him speculatively. “You really don’t make any sense at all.” Rey shakes her head in confusion.

 

“Well it is fortunate that I do not _need_ to make sense to you. You are my prisoner and you will do as you're told.”

 

“Tell me why you killed Han Solo?” He had hoped that she’d moved on from that.

 

“I’m not going to discuss it.” Why won’t she just leave this be?

 

“Please, I need to make sense of everything that happened.” Her eyes plead with him. He almost gives in, but remembers himself.

 

“Well, you’ll just have to make your peace with that uncertainty.”

 

“Tell me!” she demands.

 

“No. If you insist on talking about that then I’m leaving.” He can’t let himself give in to her. He _does_ want her to understand, but he doesn’t really understand it himself.

 

“Good!”

 

“Fine!” He turns to leave.

 

“Fine!”

 

He stalks out of her cell, replacing his mask as he goes. He’s no calmer than he had been before and he _still_ doesn’t know why she’d grown so withdrawn.

 

_Now_

 

Kylo wakes, pulls himself from his bed, and wanders into her chamber. She looks just as she always does. He sits by her and takes her hand in his. He strokes her palm gently with his thumb as he looks at her still form. He will brush her hair again tonight; it is his favorite way of spending time with her.

 

“Good morning, Rey. I hope you slept well.”

 

She is silent as she invariably is, now.

 

“The nightmares are much less frequent now that you’re here. I should thank you for that, I suppose. Somehow, having you here with me, it makes everything easier.” He gazes on her perfect, beautiful face. He reaches out and traces the freckles along her cheeks.

 

“I miss you. I’m so happy to have you here with me, but I do miss you.” He never lets himself think of that day, the day that he failed her.

 

As he trails his fingers along her face he feels … something. A strange pulse. He feels it push against him and he’s filled with hope.

 

“Rey? Is that you?” He feels the pressure shift, only slightly.

 

“Rey?! Are you in there? Oh, Rey, are you trying to wake up?” The peculiar sensation seems to be drawing him in and he reaches out with the Force, trying to follow. But he can’t seem to get his bearings and soon the odd feeling has passed.

 

“Rey, come back!” He holds his hand over her face and tries to enter her mind, but it’s as it always is when he tries this. Nothing but a strange blank grayness. He sighs and begins to stroke her face again.

 

“I hope you’ll wake up someday. I’m sorry that he did this to you … I’m sorry that I _let_ him do this to you.”

 

_Then_

 

He’s back at her door in the morning. Kylo stands there a long time, thinking. He knows he’s been too gentle, let her see too much, but he’s not sure how to be anything other than that with her. Rey … changes him. He’s determined to wrest control back from her. He’s afraid that this might not be possible—she makes him so helpless. He decides to leave his helmet on.

 

He finds her in the middle of the cell, sitting crossed-legged. She looks up at him with scorn.

 

“I thought I told you not to come back,” she says with venom.

 

“And I decided to ignore you. Come, it’s time to begin your training.”

 

“I told you no.”

 

“Come willingly or I will drag you bodily from this cell.”

 

“You wouldn’t dare,” Rey challenges.

 

“Wouldn’t I?”

 

She just looks up at him, sitting serenely on the floor.

 

“Remember, this was your choice,” his modulated voice says.

 

He lunges forward and grabs her by the shoulders, pulling her up.

 

“Hey!” she exclaims.

 

“I warned you.”

 

“Get your hands off of me!” she demands.

 

He’s pulling her to the door and she’s fighting him. He doesn’t want to hurt her, doesn’t want to do this. But he has to make some progress with her, otherwise Snoke will take over and he simply can’t have that.

 

He bends down and picks her up, throwing her over his shoulder. She’s screaming and kicking and generally making an absolute menace of herself. He cringes as he imagines the walk from her cell to the training room. It will be all over the ship by midday. But there’s nothing for it unless he puts her in a Force sleep again, and somehow he doesn’t want to do that.

 

He walks and she struggles, but he’s much stronger than she is and it’s just a waste of her energy.

 

“You know that you’re just making this difficult on yourself,” Kylo remarks dryly.

 

“And on you,” she growls. She always scores her hits, doesn’t she?

 

“I can do this all day, my dear.”

 

“Don’t call me that,” she snaps, having stopped struggling, engaged in their verbal sparring.

 

“I will call you whatever I like.”

 

“So long as it’s not ‘apprentice’.”

 

“In time, _my dear_.” That gets her going again and she’s kicking and flailing and he has to stop walking, almost losing his grip on her.  He gets a firmer hold and continues to walk with his feisty burden.

 

Just as he had anticipated, stormtroopers are staring as he stalks to the training room. Oh, hell. There’s Hux. He hopes the general won’t stop him, but this is clearly not his day.

 

“Lord Ren, I see things are progressing ... _nicely_ with your new apprentice.” Hux is enjoying this _entirely_ too much.

 

“I’m not his _apprentice_ ,” Rey spits.

 

“General Hux. Everything is absolutely fine, whatever do you mean?”

 

“You seem to be having a bit of a disagreement with the girl.” Hux cocks his head, an amused smile playing at his lips.

 

“Oh no, no disagreement. But if you will excuse me, we have a very busy training schedule.” Kylo turns and continues to walk, hoping the general will not follow. He hears Hux snort, but he does not pursue them.

 

“Put me down!” she demands.

 

“No.”

 

“I’ll go with you, I promise,” she says meekly.

 

“I do not believe you.”

 

“Please?”

 

“No.”

 

She screeches and begins her assault again. She’s stronger than she looks and this is growing a bit troublesome. Luckily they are nearly to the training room.

 

She gets one good blow to his abdomen with her knee, and he grunts softly. He can feel her smugness.

 

They arrive at the training room and he sets her on her feet.

 

“Now, wouldn’t you like to learn how to avoid that humiliating display in the future? Wouldn’t you like to know how to defend yourself from me?”

 

“No, I don’t want to learn _anything_ from you.” She glares at him.

 

“Then I shall simply have to explain theory to you until you relent.”

 

“You do what you want; I won’t learn anything from you.”

  
He knows, however, that she won’t be able to help herself. She’s too curious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the amazing Barnes & Noble Beta! Meaghan M/Juulna is simply magnificent.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for his constancy.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MeganD1, and MissHarper for the alpha read!
> 
> Thank you to all of you reading, I so appreciate your time! To start I'm hoping to post on Wednesdays and Fridays.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic makes some progress with Cinnabon because we all know how smooth he is with the ladies. Then Cinnabon remembers where she is and pulls away. What's a boy to do? Why, show off with his lightsaber, of course. Funny thing though, it works!

_Then_

 

Kylo has removed his mask and has spent the morning lecturing her on the history of the Force, the Jedi, and the Sith, as well as a general history of the galaxy. She tries to ignore him but he can tell that she’s listening. He knows that no one has told her any of this before. He tries to keep it balanced; he won’t hide things from her, not the way _his family_ had hidden so much from him. She will know everything it is in his power to teach her; she won’t find herself blindsided by her own ignorance, not like he had been.

 

Her body language is alert, though she won’t look at him. He finds he rather likes simply _being_ with her. Something about her soothes him and he knows the danger is only growing. He does not want her to discover how he _longs_.

 

He walks around the training room, reaching the age of the Empire, and it’s growing … personal, so he stops his history lesson.

 

“I think that’s quite enough for one morning,” he declares.

 

She looks frustrated.

 

“What is it?” he asks.

 

“I … but … you were just getting to the parts I really want to know,” she says sheepishly.

 

“Ah, so you were listening.” She only scowls at him. “Why do you wish to learn about the Empire?”

 

She’s looking at her hands, sitting on the floor.

 

“Rey?”

 

She looks up for a moment before looking away. Finally she says, “Because of Jakku. I know all about the ships, but I don’t know anything about the people who were on them.”

 

“Why didn’t you look it up yourself?”

 

“I didn’t get to _choose_ what data I found,” she says bitterly. She seems embarrassed.

 

“That was thoughtless of me.” He remembers everything he saw in her mind that day and is filled with sadness.

 

She snorts and says, “That’s not the worst thing you’ve done today; I wouldn’t worry about it.”

 

He’s regretting having handled her so roughly before.

 

“I … perhaps I should not have done … what I did. Earlier.”

 

“You think?”

 

“Well what else was I supposed to do? You would not come with me,” he says testily.

 

“I don’t know, leave me alone?”

 

“That … that’s not possible.” For so very many reasons, not all of them his own.

 

“Why not?” He doesn’t really want to tell her that she’s in danger. He feels like he’s making some headway with her.

 

“Your training is in my hands, but if you do not cooperate, the Supreme Leader will step in.”

 

She looks a little nervous at that.

 

“So … if I don’t let you train me, this Supreme Leader will instead?” she asks cautiously.

 

“... Yes.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“Will you let me train you now?”

 

“I don’t want _either_ of you to train me! I don’t want this!” she exclaims heatedly.

 

“We rarely get what we want.”

 

“Oh, don’t I know it,” she says, almost to herself.

 

He decides he’ll give her time to think and says, “Come, it’s time to return you to your cell.”

 

“You won’t … like before?”

 

“Will you come willingly?”

 

“Well since it’s back to my cell, where I’d _rather_ be, then yes.”

 

She’s so frustrating. He sighs heavily and walks to the door, replacing his mask. He turns his head over his shoulder and says, “Well?”

 

She follows him sullenly.

 

_Now_

 

He’s in her room, sitting next to her, reviewing reports. He rarely leaves her side when he’s not busy with his duties.

 

Kylo pauses and puts down the datapad. He turns to her and strokes her hand. She’s been like this for over two months and he’s trying to tell himself that it’s alright. That at least he has her, that she’s alive. He doesn’t like to think of the day when this happened. He’s ashamed of himself. He knows he should have protected her. But he hadn’t understood what was happening until it was too late and, besides, he couldn’t go against Snoke. The thought is … he’s simply grateful that the Supreme Leader let’s him keep her. He owes his master everything, and he tries to comfort himself with the hope that Rey will wake up soon.

 

Kylo draws very close to her, as close as he ever dares. “Rey ...“ he breathes out. Her pert lips are pink and he wants so very much to kiss them, but she would never want that from him. How could she ever?

 

“Oh, Rey …” His voice is full of how he aches for her. There, he’s feeling it again: that strange, twisting energy that seems like her smile.

 

“Rey? I can feel you; come back, please come back to me!” He places his hands on her face and again tries to enter her mind. Nothing. She flutters against him, a trapped bird beating against the window, but soon it has stopped. He slumps against her bed, defeated and so afraid that she is lost forever. He knows that once she wakes up he will have to face what he allowed to happen, face everything he refuses to think about. What does he want? Rey like this forever, or free and gone from him?

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispers.

 

_Then_

 

He’s about to leave her when he realizes she’ll be alone for the rest of the day. Hux has scheduled one of his excruciating planning meetings for the afternoon, and he doesn’t like to think of leaving her alone again. She hadn’t reacted well to it yesterday.

 

She’s entered her cell already, sitting on her ledge, looking up at him expectantly. “What?”

 

“I … you’ll be alone; I can’t come back today.”

 

“So?” Why must she always be so difficult!

 

“I wondered … is there anything in particular you’d like to read about, something you’d like to watch?”

 

“You’re worried about me being _bored_?” she asks.

 

“Fine, never mind.” He turns to leave.

 

“No, wait. I’m sorry. Thank you. I would … I would appreciate something to read. I like technical manuals.”

 

“Technical manuals?” He can’t quite keep from sounding incredulous.

 

“You can learn a lot about how people think based on how they design their ships, you know,” she says defensively.

 

“I meant no offense; I was simply surprised. I thought, perhaps, you might enjoy lighter fare.” She’s still quite young, and he had thought she would prefer the escapist nature of entertainment.

 

“I wouldn’t know. As I said, I read what I found. And those ships were full of technical manuals.”

 

“Perhaps I might select some additional texts? Maybe some holos?” He knows he’s doing it again, entreating … hoping. But he cannot seem to stop himself.  

 

“Sure … I don’t really know what I’d like.”

 

“I’ll have some suitable options sent to you.”

 

“Uhm … thank you.”

 

“You’re welcome.” He retreats quickly. She confuses _everything_.

 

\---

 

Kylo is back in his quarters after an absolutely stupefying afternoon and he wants to go to her. He knows he shouldn’t, knows that this terrifying feeling only grows worse the more time he spends with her. He knows what it is―of course he does. She’s all he’s thought about since _Starkiller_. He wonders if Snoke knows. He doesn’t think so; he thinks he’s been careful. But he’s not certain and it … concerns him.

 

He snarls and slams his fist into the table. He will control himself! He must …

 

\---

 

The next morning finds Kylo outside her cell. It’s quite early, but he couldn’t stand it any longer and now he’s here. He’s feeling lost and confused and he just wants to see her again. He’d barely slept, knowing she was so close. This _thing_ is growing fast and he doesn’t know how to stop it, doesn’t want to.

 

He strides into her cell to find her reading. She’s sitting cross-legged on the ledge, her elbow resting on one knee, propping up her chin. He smiles behind his mask before removing it.

 

“Have you enjoyed the reading material?” he asks.

 

“Yes … thank you.”

 

“You are welcome, Rey.” He’s surprised by how soft his voice is. “Will you come with me to the training room?”

 

“This doesn’t mean I’m your apprentice.”

 

“No, of course not,” he says with a hint of humor in his voice.

 

“Alright then. But no dark side.”

 

“I promise―basics only.”

 

“Ok.”

 

\---

 

They’re in the training room, standing a few feet apart, and Rey is concentrating hard on a metallic sphere the size of her hand. The sphere is on the floor and trembling slightly.

 

“You’re focusing on the sphere, not the Force.” He remembers how this had been difficult for many of the other students. He had been working with the Force since before he had memory; he does not recall learning how to levitate objects.

 

“What does that even _mean_?”

 

He recalls how _Skywalker_ had described it. “It means that the Force is woven around everything, in everything. Think of it like a mesh that’s _within_ the sphere. You aren’t moving the sphere; you’re pulling on the mesh, the Force.”

 

She thinks for a moment and holds her hand out again. This time the sphere moves up quickly, hovering three feet above her head.

 

“Good!” He’s genuinely pleased. She’s caught on very quickly, just as he knew she would.

 

“Now keep it there,” he instructs.

 

“Just hold it there?”

 

“Yes. I know it sounds easy, but I’m going to make it much harder.” He has an idea and he moves before he considers it fully.

 

She’s concentrating on keeping the sphere aloft. He walks behind her and places his large hands over her eyes. The sphere falls immediately, her focus lost. She jumps a bit at the feel of his gloves but they stand like that for a moment too long. It’s almost as if he’s holding her, her back so close to his chest that he can feel the heat of her. Through the soft leather of his gloves, he feels the warmth of her skin. As he pulls his fingers from her face, he allows them to skim down her shoulders and upper arms before he remembers himself and clasps his hands firmly behind his back. He steps back swiftly. He can’t quite believe that he’d done that. He hopes she didn’t notice how his breath had hitched. His fingers _burn_ where he’d touched her.

 

She turns and looks at him, and he attempts to keep his face placid. She regards him for a long time, her wide hazel eyes capturing him. He wants to take off his gloves and trail his fingers along her face. He’s never felt her skin, and he’s struggling to keep himself in check.  

 

Finally she blinks and the strange moment has passed. “That wasn’t fair; you didn’t warn me.”

 

“No, I didn’t. You have to learn how to split your focus. In battle you must be able to hold an object, say, a blaster bolt, while continuing to fight. There is no reason not to start as you mean to go.”

 

“Well, I still would have liked to know what was coming.”

 

“I shall keep that in mind for the future,” he says wryly. She smiles at him and his heart quickens.

 

\---

 

She’s worked diligently all morning, and he’s certain she must be hungry. He hesitates, not sure if he should try to ask her to eat with him again. He doesn’t want to take her back to her cold cell only to collect her again after she’s had her meal. He doesn’t want to be parted from her. Oh Maker, he’s in so deep …

 

“Rey … shall I have our midday meal delivered here?” There, he’s not precisely asking her to eat with him.

 

She looks up at him, pausing. “Okay … Kylo.” It does not escape his notice that she’s never used his name before. He smiles to himself, she’s finally beginning to soften and his chest swells with warmth; but then he remembers who he is and his smile slides away.

 

\---

 

The droid arrives with two trays and he takes them over to a small table in the corner of the long room. He places them on the surface and pulls out her chair out for her. She stands there, looking very confused.

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“It is custom that a man assist a woman in seating.”

 

“Why? I certainly don’t need any help pulling out a chair,” she says derisively.

 

“It is not about helping, per se … it is a way of showing respect.” He hadn’t thought, he’d simply acted. He feels his cheeks heat. He’s tipped his hand yet again, he’s certain of it.

 

“Oh. Well, that’s alright then.”

 

“I’m so pleased I have your approval,” he says sardonically. She rolls her eyes, but she sits.

 

He takes his own seat and removes his gloves. Her eyes follow his hands and he wonders why. She removes the cover to her meal and just stares at it.

 

“Is there something wrong?” he asks.

 

“No! It’s … there’s so much. I’m still not used to it. The food in the cell is almost comforting; it’s more like what I had on Jakku.”

 

“What do you mean, the food in the cell?” He doesn’t like the sound of that.

 

“It’s like portions, protein cubes and quick bread.”

 

“They don’t give you real food?” he asks sharply.

 

“Well, it _is_ real food―it’s not fake or anything.”

 

“I … I hadn’t realized. I’ll have that rectified immediately.” He wonders what else he might do for her.

 

“It doesn’t matter.”

 

“It matters to me,” he growls.

 

She looks at him for a long time. She does that frequently and it makes him nervous. What is she thinking when she looks at him like that?

 

\---

 

They’ve just finished their meal and are about to work with the sphere again when she asks, “What’s battle meditation? You said that’s what happened … on _Starkiller_ , but I don’t know what it is.”

 

“Honestly, it’s highly advanced and you should not have been able to enter that state as you did. It’s a large part of why I wish to train you. Your natural aptitude is … remarkable.”

 

“But what is it?” she queries.

 

“It’s a state of mind that a Force-user enters, focusing energy. It gives you greater strength and agility. It can also be used to coordinate forces and demoralize enemies.”

 

“How did I know how to do it?”

 

“I suspect you gleaned the skill from me. I … I am quite effective with it,” he says quietly.

 

“I’d never felt anything like it,” she breathes out in wonder.

 

“No, it is a singular experience.” The corners of his mouth turn up into almost a smile.

 

“Will you show me how? I don’t know how I did it.” Frankly, he’s not entirely sure how she did it, either. It takes a great deal of control, and he doesn’t think it’s a very good idea to work on the practice without more of a foundation in the Force.

 

“In time,” he murmurs.

 

She blinks and her face changes. He sees as her curiosity bleeds from her eyes, replaced with something like resignation. She looks very sad.

 

He asks, “What is it?”

 

“Time … I don’t want to be here, I don’t want to learn from you,” she whispers.

 

“But you _are_ here, and you _have_ been learning. Why not continue to train with me?”

 

“Because! You … you’re my enemy.”

 

“No, Rey. I’m not,” he says beseechingly.

 

She’s quiet for a long time before she says, “I’d like to go back to my cell now.”

 

“But … you were doing so well …” He’s bewildered by this change in her.

 

“I shouldn’t have let you teach me anything, I shouldn’t have had a _meal_ with you,” she says in self-reproach.

 

“Rey, you _must_ let me train you. You … you wouldn’t like Supreme Leader’s methods,” Kylo says as he finds himself holding his hand out to her in entreaty. He remembers watching as Snoke turned others to the dark. He won’t let that happen to her. Kylo is intensely loyal to his master, but the thought of Rey crushed under Snoke’s immense power fills him with soul-deep terror. He must succeed in reaching her.

 

“I don’t _like_ any of this. Just take me back. Please take me back,” Rey pleads.

 

“No, you will continue with your training,” he says firmly.

 

“No, I won’t. You can’t make me!” Her defiant fire is back with a vengeance.

 

Rey glares up at him before turning and walking to the corner where she sits with her back to him. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t understand why she’s turning from him like this.

 

He approaches her slowly and quietly sits next to her where he can see her profile.

 

“What if I show you battle meditation?” he asks coaxingly.

 

She just shakes her head and refuses to speak.

 

“You have to do this. You don’t have any choice!” he says with frustration. He knows she doesn’t understand what’s coming for her if she continues to refuse him and the thought fills him with fear. She continues to sit rigidly.

 

“Rey, you’re being ridiculous. I’ve told you that I won’t show you anything dark and that’s more than you’ll get from the Supreme Leader. I promise you that you would not like his techniques.” The thought of her on her knees in front of Snoke … he must do everything he can to avoid that.

 

“Stop threatening me.”

 

“I’m not … I’m not _threatening_ you, I’m being _honest_ with you.” He wishes she would look at him.

 

“Why would you even follow someone like that?”

 

“The Supreme Leader is wise.” His words sound hollow, rote.

 

“Listen to yourself! Take me back to my cell. Now.”

 

“We aren’t done yet,” he says warningly.

 

“I say we are.”

 

“Rey.” She refuses to acknowledge him.

 

“Rey,” he says with more heat.

 

“Rey!” She shifts, putting her back to him.

 

Kylo stands then, full of anger and frustration. He had thought they’d been making progress. He stalks over to the wall of training droids and pulls one to him, beginning its program.

 

The droid begins to fire bolts at him and he deflects them handily with his saber, moving gracefully. Bolt after bolt come at him and he swings his saber in wide, controlled arcs. Each blazing red burst of energy is absorbed by the walls of the training room as he deflects them, ensuring to keep them well away from Rey. As Kylo moves, he begins to lose himself to the rhythm, his temper coming back under control. He glances over and finds that she’s shifted, watching.

 

He continues to practice and feels her interest, but he doesn’t press his luck. He just keeps moving through the program, the droid now firing two bolts at once. He’s focused and intense as he anticipates each new assault with the Force.

 

Soon, the droid’s program has come to an end and he puts it away. He’s grown hot and removes his surcoat, now only in his tunic and trousers. She’s watching surreptitiously and he considers what to do next.

 

He begins to practice forms with his saber. His movements are economical, no energy wasted as he battles imaginary foes. Rey is watching intently now. He continues to move fluidly across the training room floor. Eventually he comes to stop in front of her, flicking his saber off. Kylo stands there, looking down on her. She looks up and they simply stare at each other for a long time.

 

Finally he reaches his gloved hand out to her and says, “Please?”

 

Her beautiful hazel eyes look up at him and she nods slightly, placing her hand in his. He barely keeps himself from stroking his thumb along her wrist.

 

Kylo pulls her up and says, “Would you like to learn your first lightsaber form?”

 

He can tell she’s trying to hide how eager she is when she says, “Fine. But this doesn’t mean I’m your apprentice.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the finest beta in the galaxy, Meaghan M/Juulna. She's just the bee's knees. She kept me going through writing this, she really did. And, oh, how I whined.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who manages to keep a straight face when I turn every single conversation back to writing or Star Wars.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MissHarper, and MeganD1 for being epic alpha readers, you are both simply lovely.
> 
> Thank you readers for taking the time to read, kudo, and comment. I enjoy reading your thoughts immensely.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cinnabon sees right through Hot Topic and he panics in a big way. Then Hot Topic perceives himself to be in a corner and makes a wise and proper decision. Wait, what? Of course he doesn't, he's a big numpty.

_Then_

 

The next morning, Kylo enters her cell to find her asleep on the floor, her face pressed into the datapad he’d had sent. Rey looks … well, she looks adorable, and he’s growing accustomed to how his heart warms when he sees her. He looks around the small room and realizes how very uncomfortable it is. The ledge that’s meant for sleeping is a hard slab of metal, and the only soft thing is a small blanket that she’s currently stretched out upon. He frowns under his mask. He is appalled, and he wonders how much he can get away with providing for her ... If only she would relent and formally accept him as her master. The danger would pass and she would be in proper quarters … He hopes that the tentative steps of yesterday hold.

 

She whimpers in her sleep; he’s concerned.

 

He crouches next to her prone form and calls softly, “Rey?”

 

She doesn’t wake so he reaches out and gently shakes her shoulder. “Rey?”

 

Her eyes spring open and they’re instantly filled with fear. She flips over quickly and scrambles back from him. Her face is twisted in terror and he’s very confused.

 

“Rey, what is it?” he asks with concern.

 

Her panic is fading and her breathing is returning to normal, but she keeps looking at him warily. She blinks rapidly and he watches as she grows fully aware, that strange in-between place of sleeping and waking fading.

 

“Your mask …” she whispers.

 

He’d forgotten to take it off and he pulls it quickly from his face.

 

“I was dreaming. Of Takodana …” she says quietly.

 

“I …" He doesn’t know what to say. Kylo won’t apologize for that. He’d been doing his duty and it had brought him to her. But the thought that she’s still so afraid of him eats at him. He knows that he should take some satisfaction in her vulnerability, but he finds that he just wants to pull her into his arms and comfort her. She fills him with such _impossible_ thoughts.

 

Finally, Kylo says, “I regret that our … meeting causes you distress.”

 

The fear has passed and Rey is once again her usual self. “Distress? You kidnapped me!”

 

“I had a mission,” he says a touch defensively as he stands.

 

“Right. The stupid map. Well you’ll be happy to know that it won’t do you any good. Luke is gone.”

 

It doesn’t matter; Snoke has lost interest in finding Skywalker, much to Kylo’s relief. But he is not surprised to hear that Skywalker fled. It’s what he does.

 

“Gone?”

 

“Yes … he refused to train me and disappeared again. He said something about how we needed to just let the Force alone and that he would never train anyone again.” So that’s Skywalker’s new plan to handle the dark side: ignore the light side, too. Kylo pushes away the torrent of memories this conversation has unleashed.

 

He now understands a bit better her flashes of sadness. She truly has been left alone with her gifts. Skywalker has failed her as well. While Kylo is filled with an old, familiar anger, this does make his task that much easier to accomplish.

 

“And here I am, offering, _wanting_ you to be my apprentice,” Kylo says as he opens his hands wide.

 

“I know,” she says softly.

 

“Your dream … are you recovered?” His tone is soft and laced with his worry for her.

 

“Why do you care?” Oh, how he cares.

 

“Fine, I shall not inquire as to your well-being in the future,” he says, feeling a bit hurt.

 

“No, really, why do you care? You’re being so … decent to me.” She pulls herself up from the floor.

 

“I’ve already told you,” he says stiffly.

 

“Yes, I know, you want me to be your apprentice. But that doesn’t explain why this seems to _matter_ so much to you.”

 

“I have been given an order from the Supreme Leader. You are to be my apprentice. Of course it matters to me. You may think me a monster but I am not cruel by nature.” Kylo hopes that this will pacify her. He’s promised he will never lie to her, but he’d said nothing about telling her the entire truth.

 

“Not cruel? Luring your father onto that bridge and putting your saber through his heart seems pretty _cruel_ to me.”

 

Why won’t she let this be? “That’s not what happened.”

 

“Then explain it to me,” she entreats.

 

“No, I’ve told you―I won’t discuss it,” he says sharply.

 

“Well I won’t train with you anymore until you do!” She sounds almost petulant.

 

“You do not have the power here.” He wishes that were true.

 

“I still have my free will!”

 

“Yes, and you are being extremely foolish with it.”

 

“Foolish? It’s foolish to want to stay true to myself?”

 

“It shows a lack of judgment.”

 

“Oh, because you make such _fantastic_ choices.” Rey rolls her eyes and puts her hands on her hips.

 

“What do you mean by _that_?” he says with vague menace in his tone.

 

“I was with _your mother_ for two months; I know what happened,” she says confidently.

 

He’s frozen with anger and pain. He doesn’t think about _her_. He can’t. He won’t be pulled into remembering that time―he _won’t_.

 

“Don’t,” he whispers.

 

“I know it’s awful, what happened to you. But I see now what Leia meant. You _aren’t_ cruel by nature, are you? You’re fighting with yourself all the time―you _must_ be. This … this isn’t who you are at all, is it?”

 

“Stop,” he pleads. She’s speaking all of his most deeply held secrets and fears. It’s all just tumbling out of her mouth and he’s paralyzed.

 

“No, I don’t think I will. I didn’t believe her when she told me about who you were when you were younger; I thought that she just needed to believe that because she’s your mother. But she was right, this … the First Order, the _Supreme Leader_ , this isn’t you, and you’re pushing yourself into places you don’t fit. Listen to me, Kylo―let me go, come _with_ me, we’ll go find your mother. You don’t have to _do_ this anymore.” She’s drawn quite close and she’s _reaching_ for him.

 

He steps back. His eyes are wild with fear and he _has to get out of this room_ , away from these words, away from her. He leaves her cell as quickly as he can, saying nothing as he very nearly runs to his quarters.

 

As soon as the door closes on his rooms he’s screaming and howling, striking the nearest wall with his saber. The metal splits beneath his fury, bright red wounds bleeding from the bulkhead. How does she do that―how does she see right into him? It’s as if she has a knife and she’s carving away all of his protection, leaving him quivering and exposed.

 

He slashes again and again, hoping to somehow beat back her terrifying words. Soon the surface is painted with his destruction. He can’t handle how everything feels like it’s crumbling. She makes him want, she makes him need, she makes him _doubt_.

 

\---

 

He’s still hiding in his quarters hours later. He’s realizing that he’s strayed dangerously from the path he’s been walking for _years_. He’s only thought of _her_ since _Starkiller_. He’s been so focused on Rey that he’s not seen what she’s _doing_ to him. Kylo hasn’t been attempting to sway her to Snoke’s cause; he’s only been attempting to sway her to _him_. He’s been too kind, too thoughtful, allowing her to pull him into any number of ridiculous conversations. He’s let her _see_ him and she’s seen far too much. She’s found all the places he’s tried to root out, kill, suffocate.

 

She’s so much worse than the pull to the light. He realizes he’s been telling himself that he could have Rey and continue to serve the Supreme Leader. He is very grateful to Snoke. When Kylo had been lost, afraid, and so terribly alone, the Supreme Leader had found him, _saved_ him. He can’t let her tempt him from his service, he owes Snoke _everything_.

 

But when she’d asked him to run with her, to leave this place, a frighteningly large part of him had wanted to take her hand and do just that. But he cannot do that. He doesn’t want to do that. Does he?

 

No, he won’t let her have this power over him. He will control his feelings and accept that he cannot both have her and fulfill his duty. It’s not as if she would want him, anyway. He must snuff out this fledgling closeness. She will be his apprentice. Only his apprentice.

 

But he still doesn’t go back for days.

 

\---

 

Kylo wakes knowing he must face her. He’s running out of time and the Supreme Leader is not a patient master. But he is afraid of what part of him she’ll pull apart this time. She’s relentless. First his father, then his mother. He never thinks of his mother. Never. She’d even been crashing into what had … happened, and he will not be taken there.

 

He has been too kind, too gentle. Basking in the … connection they’ve been building, _enjoying_ her. But no more. He must maintain distance; he cannot allow his desires to invite this openness. She’s pulling him from his duty and he owes Snoke too much to allow this to happen. Yes, he wants her, desperately, but he cannot allow her to _do_ this to him. He will start again, treat her as he should have in the beginning.

 

\---

 

He sweeps into her cell only to find her in a tiny ball in the corner. He removes his mask immediately and goes to his knees next to her huddled form, all thoughts of distance fleeing his mind.

 

He says cautiously, “Rey?”

 

She slowly turns her face towards him and he’s absolutely gutted to see that her eyes are red and swollen from crying.

 

“I didn’t think you were coming back,” she whispers.

 

Kylo doesn’t know what to say, he never meant to hurt her. Never meant her to suffer like this. He’d known she hadn’t liked it when he left her, but he had thought that that was only because she grew restless with nothing to do. He had thought the reading material and holofilms ... but this is something so very different. He wants to _do_ anything, _say_ anything to fix this. But he knows he cannot.

 

“I was unable to return.” Unable because she’d blown past all his defenses as if they were nothing, but he was unable nonetheless.

 

“Why didn’t you at least _tell_ me?” She sounds so small.

 

“I don’t answer to you,” he says, trying to keep from begging her forgiveness.

 

“But …”

 

“Yes?”

 

“You’ve been so … thoughtful.”

 

“I have simply been seeing to the needs of my apprentice.” Another half-truth.

 

Her eyes flash with pain and he doesn’t know what to make of that. But it’s gone in an instant and she growls, “I’m _not_ your apprentice.”

 

He ignores her protest and stands. “You will come with me―we have missed too much time already.”

 

“I’m not going with you.”

 

“I will not be drawn into another argument. You will submit and you will _learn_. I will call stormtroopers in here and have them _drag_ you to the training room where _you will do what you are told._ ”

 

“Fine, call them.”

 

He’s very uncertain then. He does not want to do this. But she’s left him no choice.

 

\---

 

He stalks in front of two stormtroopers dragging Rey behind him, helmet returned to its proper place. He won’t be removing it in the future. She’s stopped struggling, having chosen to simply go limp, refusing to even walk. They arrive at the training room and he winces as the stormtroopers drop her roughly on the floor. She just stays there in a tangled heap.

 

The need to go to her, to apologize, to promise to never act like this again ... it’s almost overwhelming, but he stays firm.

 

“Today we will continue with simple levita-”

 

“Why are you being like this? And why are you wearing that stupid mask?” Rey interrupts as she pulls herself up from the floor.

 

Kylo opts to ignore her question regarding the mask. “Being like what?”

 

“So cold and distant. You weren’t like this before.”

 

“I was inappropriate with you before, and it encouraged you to speak on things that you should not. We will maintain the proper relationship of master and apprentice.”

 

“I keep telling you, I am _not_ your apprentice.”

 

“Yes, you are.”

 

“You can’t teach me if I refuse to learn,” she says stubbornly.

 

“Then I shall have to take you to the Supreme Leader.” He _hates_ to threaten this.

 

“He can’t be any worse than _you_ , making me think that you … care and then leaving me alone for days.” She sounds … hurt.

 

This almost undoes him. He wants to tell her everything. How he’s desperate for her, that he _more_ than cares, that he would do anything in his power for her but that _he’s trapped_. He wants to tell her that he despises treating her like this but that he doesn’t know what else to _do_. He doesn’t want to take her to the Supreme Leader and Kylo cannot allow her to sway him the way that she does. This is the only solution he can think of, this cold detachment.

 

“It was necessary. I will inform you if I must be away in the future. Is that acceptable to you?” He’s aware that he shouldn’t even be giving her this much, but the threat of Snoke looms large in his mind.

 

She just glares at him. He wants to ask her why being alone was so upsetting―he thought she’d spent her life alone―but he must stop inviting personal connection, much as he fiercely wishes to.

 

He decides to carry on as if nothing has happened. He walks over to a cabinet and pulls two spheres from within. He places them in front of her and steps back.

 

“Now, we will pick up where we left off with Force levitation.”

 

She stands there with her arms crossed in front of her chest. She won’t even look at him. He has absolutely no idea how to handle this. Then he realizes what he’s going to have to do, what he must use against her.

 

“If you do not begin to work with me I will have no choice but to leave you in that cell until you cooperate.”

 

Her eyes dart up at this, and he sees the terror and he hates himself. Her bottom lip quivers ever so slightly, but she gathers herself and stares at him defiantly.

 

“Is that what you wish? Do you wish to go back to the cell, all alone?” Maker, he’s disgusting.

 

“I don’t care.”

 

“I think you do.”

 

“It can’t be worse than being here with _you_.”

 

“I will do it, Rey. I’ll leave you in there until you relent,” he promises.

 

She looks at him like she really does hate him, but she says nothing. He realizes that he’s going to have to make good on his threat. He grabs her by the arm and pulls her out of the training room. She doesn’t struggle, just allows him to manhandle her all the way back to her cell.

 

He opens the door and thrusts her roughly through. As he’s closing her in, he catches a glimpse of her eyes. They’re full of accusation and betrayal. He’s crossed so many lines in service to Snoke, but somehow this feels like the worst thing he’s ever done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever-impressive Meaghan M/Juulna. Can you believe her output? She's updated three stories and beta'd four chapters this week. *slack-jawed awe*
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who still patiently listens to me share comments with him.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MissHarper, and MeganD1 for being wonderful alpha readers!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who is reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. You bring me so much joy. I used to be a pastry chef and I so wish I could have everyone over for tea and cakes.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> General Abercrombie & Fitch informs Hot Topic that Supreme Leader Walmart is on his way. Shockingly, Hot Topic does something right. Cinnabon is happy! Hot Topic is happy! Wonder how long that will last ...

_Now_

 

Kylo wakes quickly from a brutal nightmare of the day she’d been … hurt. Taken. He tries so hard not to think about what happened that day. He knows if he thinks about it too long, everything will come undone. He tells himself that this is the best possible outcome. He has Rey and he’s still serving Snoke. He ignores the growing voice screaming from somewhere deep inside, telling him that _Rey_ is all that matters now. He pretends he’s not haunted by the warmth he would sometimes find in her eyes.

 

He assures himself that he has the best that he could hope for. She’d not been taken from him; she’s right in the other room. Supreme Leader is benevolent, allowing him to keep her. Kylo has simply added the day he nearly lost her to the ever-growing list of things he _does not think about._

 

The nightmare still fresh in his mind, he finds he needs Rey. Though it is the middle of the night, he goes to her chamber and seats himself on the edge of her bed. He pulls her limp hand into his, wishing she could squeeze back. He remembers how she’d once allowed him to hold her hand and he hopes that she doesn’t mind that he does so now. He’d only begun brushing her hair because it had been growing tangled. But that is all he will ever do. She is Rey and she is precious to him.

 

_Then_

 

Rey has been alone in her cell for three days. Each day he’s sent a stormtrooper to bring her to the training room and each day she has refused. He’s not sure if he’s slept at all; he’s eaten alive by guilt. He’d tried watching her through the camera, but the way she curled into herself and remained still for hours had left him almost sick.

 

He’s tried everything he can think of to keep his mind on other tasks. Kylo has many extensive research projects that clamor for his attention and his own training to attend to. But he finds he cannot even _pretend_ at normalcy, so he hides in his quarters, ignoring Hux’s shrill comm calls. He knows that he cannot change this tactic now, that it’s too late. He’s broken whatever it was that had been growing between them. If he’s honest with himself—and he very rarely is—he knows he’s ripped his own heart into pieces. He almost wonders if this is worth it, if the Supreme Leader is worth it, but he pushes that thought as far away as he can.

 

Just then there is a loud banging on his door and he has no choice but to answer it. He finds an extremely irritated general on the other side.

 

“Ren, I swear, you are without a doubt _the_ most frustrating individual I have ever worked with in my entire career.”

 

“How can I help you, General Hux?”

 

“You could answer your bloody comm for one,” Hux grumbles in irritation.

 

“I have been focused elsewhere.”

 

“Yes, having a contest of wills with your ‘apprentice’. She seems to be winning, by the way.”

 

He ignores the barb; the general is right, after all. “What do you require?”

 

“The Supreme Leader has requested an audience. He’s coming here to inspect your progress with the girl.”

 

Kylo nearly stops breathing. No! It’s too soon; he’ll crush her!

 

“I see, and when does he arrive?” He keeps his tone calm, measured.

 

“The day after tomorrow. I suggest you make some progress, otherwise he’s likely to take her from you,” Hux says knowingly.

 

“Your message is noted. If you will excuse me, I have things I must attend to.” Kylo is closing the door as he speaks.

 

“And answer your damned comm!” Hux says as the door shuts in his face.

 

Kylo rips his helmet from his head. He’s breathing hard, filled with panic. Oh Maker, he’s failed. The Supreme Leader will surely do exactly as Hux had said—he will take her from him.

 

New plan. He’ll give her everything she wants if she’ll only just agree to be his apprentice. It’s all he can think of to do to save her.

 

\---

 

Kylo finds her with her back to one of the walls, one knee pulled up and her other leg thrust out in front of her. Her head is lolled back and her eyes are closed.

 

“Tell him no, I’m still not coming.” Her eyes remain shut.

 

He removes his mask as he crosses to her. He crouches at her side.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says, his voice low and intense.

 

Her eyes fly open and she stares at him in confusion. There is a flicker of warmth and then her eyes are full of anger.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says again.

 

“Back to pretending to care?” she sneers.

 

“No … I wasn’t pretending before. But these last few days, I’ve _hated_ doing this to you. You have to believe me, it’s been killing me.” Kylo’s tone is pleading.

 

“Why this sudden change in tactics? Couldn’t find a good constable so you have to play him yourself?”

 

“This isn’t a tactic. I’ve only ever told you the truth. Maybe not all of it, but I have _never_ lied to you. Supreme Leader is coming here, he arrives the day after tomorrow. If he finds that you’re still refusing me, he’s going to take you from me and he’s going to hurt you, Rey. Badly.”

 

“Why does that matter to you?” she asks carefully.

 

“I think you know. I think you’ve sensed why.” He looks into her face searchingly. He finds her hand in his—he’s not entirely certain how it got there.

 

She looks away but something like a smile ghosts her lips. She does not pull her hand away.

 

She looks back and says, “You know … you know I don’t … _can’t_ feel the same way about you?”

 

“I know,” Kylo says quietly. He had never expected her to return his … affection.

 

“Will you tell me why? I’ll do it; I’ll be your apprentice if you’ll only tell me _why_.”

 

Kylo knows what she’s talking about. And he _did_ tell himself he would do anything to get her to agree to be his apprentice. He inhales sharply and sits down next to her, their hands still entwined. He wishes he were not wearing his gloves.

 

He mirrors her position, his head resting against the wall as he begins to try and explain.

 

“The simple answer is that the Supreme Leader ordered it.”

 

“And of course you always do what you’re told.”

 

“I do, actually. I believe in duty, honor, loyalty. I promised him my service, my blade and my body six years ago. I do not take such promises lightly.”

 

“He really ordered you to kill your own father?” Rey sounds horrified.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Why?”

 

“It was a test. Over the years I have … struggled with some of my orders. He required that I kill Han Solo to prove my loyalty. I had been putting it off for … well longer than I should have. But then he arrived at the base and I knew my time was up. I kept hoping he would get away, that I wouldn’t see him, wouldn’t have to … have to do what I did.”

 

“But why not leave the Supreme Leader instead?”

 

“No, Rey, it … it doesn’t work like that. I pledged myself to him—you don’t just walk away from that.” Snoke had done far more for him than Han Solo ever had.

 

“But … to save your father, surely …?”

 

“It was easy to tell myself I had no father. He certainly never acted like one when I was younger. I wasn’t killing my father—he had left me long ago. At least that’s what I believed.”

 

“Believed?”

 

“Right up until I plunged my saber into his heart.” She squeezes his hand then and he is appalled to find he wants to cling to her. Kylo knows he warrants none of her beautiful compassion. He’s amazed that she would try to comfort him at all given what … his father had meant to her. He keeps staring straight ahead.

 

“So … you regret it?”

 

“Yes Rey, yes I regret it.”

 

They sit quietly for a long time as Rey absorbs what he has said.

 

Finally she asks, “Will you still do like you promised?”

 

“Promised?”

 

“No dark side?”

 

Kylo frowns at this and says, “I have told you I will never lie to you. There may come a time when I will have to teach you the dark side. I don’t think … I don’t think the Supreme Leader would accept anything else. But I can promise to delay that for as long as possible. It will likely be years before it comes up.”

 

“Years …” Rey whispers to herself.

 

“Yes. I’ve been training for over 20 years. It is a lifelong pursuit. I studied the Jedi ways for 15 years before I joined the Supreme Leader.”

 

“When … when it happened.”

 

“Yes … when it happened,” Kylo confirms guardedly.

 

“I’m so sorry that that happened to yo-”

 

“No, I have given you enough today, do not push for more,” he says a touch sharply.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

“You needn’t be sorry, but please, _please_ be satisfied?” He looks over at her then, their eyes meet and they both suddenly realize they’ve been holding hands this whole time. It’s grown quite intimate and they both pull away. He feels as their fingers move against each other as they disentangle their hands.

 

He pulls himself to his feet and waits for Rey to join him. He quashes the urge to help her up.

 

“We will train, Apprentice?”

 

“Yes … Master.”

 

\---

 

“Yes, perfect!” Kylo exclaims excitedly as she moves through her first lightsaber form successfully for the first time. She has been struggling with learning to fight with a blade and not a staff. He wonders if they will be able to find the components to build her her own saber. Perhaps she would do well with a double-bladed weapon?

 

She’s grinning at him, sweat glistening on her lovely face. It’s difficult not to become distracted while he trains her. Earlier, when he had needed to adjust her stance repeatedly, it had been especially trying. Feeling her lithe body beneath his hands had left him quite grateful for his flowing clothing.

 

“Again,” Kylo instructs. He leans against the training room wall, watching her move. She’s so graceful, taking to this with such enthusiasm and raw skill. He knows he will never tire of witnessing her blossom. He’s exceptionally proud of her. He thinks that perhaps just this will be enough, being allowed to spend his days with Rey in this way. It’s certainly far more than he deserves.

 

\---

 

“Ow!” she squeaks out as she’s hit yet again with a light bolt of energy.

 

“You must learn to anticipate the training droid’s next hit,” Kylo remarks.

 

“Well that would be a lot easier if I could _see_ ,” she complains.

 

“Ah, but that would defeat the purpose of the exercise, now wouldn’t it?”

 

She adjusts the visor impairing her vision and spits out, “Fine. Start it again.”

 

He smiles ruefully and begins the program anew.

 

\---

 

“Where are we going?” Rey asks in confusion as he leads her down a different hallway, away from the cell block.

 

“To your quarters.”

 

“I get quarters?” she asks in confusion.

 

“Of course you do, you’re my apprentice. I did tell you that.”

 

“I know, I guess … I guess I’m still surprised.”

 

“I am a man of my word, as I hope you are finding.”

 

She looks over at him and nods, a small smile tugging at her lips.

 

“Here we are,” he says as he opens her door. She just stands at the threshold peering in.

 

“Aren’t you going to go in?” he prods.

 

“Right, yeah.” She gingerly steps into the room. It’s not as large as he would have liked, with only a seating area, a bed, and an attached ‘fresher. He wishes he could have provided her with more space, but Hux is already suspicious about his relationship with his apprentice. He hadn’t wanted to invite more curiosity by requesting officer’s quarters for her. It bothers him, though. At least he had been able to ensure that she has a large viewscreen.

 

Rey stands in the middle of the room, looking around. She blinks and starts to explore.

 

“I’m sorry that it’s small,” he offers nervously.

 

“What? No, no it’s perfect, Kylo.” She goes to the bed and sits down gently.

 

“It’s so soft!” Her smile is huge and he can’t help but smile back.

 

“I’m glad you like it, Rey.” He suddenly remembers her hard, cold cell and he’s filled with regret. She should have been sleeping in a proper bed this whole time. He will do all he can to make it up to her.

 

\---

 

The next day moves quickly; he enjoys training her immensely. She is so passionate, so gifted. It is such a pleasure to teach her. He almost forgets what’s coming.

 

\---

 

Kylo walks to the Supreme Leader’s audience hall. Snoke had arrived in the night and Kylo had woken to a summons. It’s very early and he has not yet had the opportunity to see Rey. He hopes she won’t panic when he’s delayed.

 

Kylo prepares himself and enters his master’s chamber. He’s greeted by a terrifying scene and he’s utterly frozen.

 

Rey is on her knees in front of Snoke, shaking. Tears are streaking down her face and her nose is bleeding. She looks small and vulnerable in the huge, intimidating room with Snoke’s tall form towering over her. Kylo can’t help himself—he barks, “Master, what are you doing with my apprentice!”

 

“Watch your tone, Apprentice.” Snoke looks at him coldly as he keeps Rey in his thrall. “I am simply ensuring her loyalty. You did tell me that she has agreed to be your apprentice, did you not?”

 

“Yes, yes, she agreed,” Kylo rushes to answer. Oh Maker, what is he _doing_ to her?

 

“She’s fighting me. She’s _hiding_ something from me.” Snoke’s eyes narrow in suspicion.

 

“Let me try—let me speak with her,” Kylo pleads desperately.

 

“You’ve had her for weeks; I think you’ve had enough time. Now cease your questioning, I must focus.”

 

He watches helplessly as Snoke continues to bore into Rey’s mind. Suddenly her eyes roll back into her head and she begins to convulse. Kylo doesn’t think, just moves, and he’s by her side in an instant.

 

“Rey?” Her seizure has stopped but she’s not moving. Kylo shakes her slightly by her shoulders but her eyes stay vacant and she doesn’t respond.

 

“Rey!” He’s so afraid. Again he shakes her, harder this time, and again she stays still.

 

“Forgive me, Master, may I have permission to take her to the med bay?” Please grant this, please.

 

Snoke regards Kylo for a long time, running a slim, gnarled finger along his thin, twisted lips.

 

“Yes, Kylo Ren. See to the needs of your _apprentice_.”

 

Kylo bends down and scoops her into his arms, reminded forcibly of Takodana, when he had last carried her unconscious form. As he rushes her to the med bay he is assaulted by such fear and confusion. Why had Snoke summoned her without him? Why had she fought so hard? What was worth nearly dying for?

 

He lays her gently on the nearest bed as the medical droid begins the diagnostic programs. He simply stands there, very still, waiting for any bit of news.

 

“Sir, this will take some time. We will inform you when we have the results,” the droid drones.

 

“No, I will stay.”

 

Over the next few hours Kylo watches as a parade of droid and human doctors are brought in. They poke and prod, test and scan, and all the while Rey doesn’t move. Kylo alternates between pacing like a caged beast and looming in the corner. Eventually the senior medical officer approaches him.

 

“She’s in a deep coma; it’s very unlikely she will ever wake. There’s been too much damage.”

 

“What?” Klyo whispers.

 

“She’s gone, sir.”

 

“No, you’re wrong.” He has to be wrong, he has to … Kylo pushes the doctor aside and reaches out with the Force, pushing into her mind. But there’s nothing—just a horrible blankness. He can’t feel … anything. No, this can’t be happening. Just yesterday they’d been working on her second lightsaber form. She … she had smiled at him so much.

 

“Is there any chance she’ll recover?” Kylo nearly begs.

 

“It is very unlikely. We’ll keep you informed if her condition changes.”

 

He makes a decision quickly. If this is his Rey now, then he will care for her. Care for her until she wakes. She is his apprentice, his responsibility. Kylo cannot bear the thought of losing her. He had only just accepted that he would get to keep her, that she was going to be staying with him. He hopes that Snoke will allow it.

 

\---

 

“Her mind is broken, you say?” Snoke asks.

 

“Yes, she is catatonic; they say she won’t wake up. However, she is very strong with the Force, it is possible she will heal given enough time.” Kylo is struggling with how angry he is at Snoke for doing this to her. He reminds himself firmly of everything his master has done for him, that this was just a terrible accident.

 

“Such a pity, she was quite strong. She would have been a great prize.” Kylo is filled with revulsion to hear Rey spoken of in this way.

 

“I would like to oversee her care myself, have her brought to my rooms.”

 

“Really, Kylo Ren … that is a strange request.”

 

“She is my apprentice.”

 

“I believe she is more.” Snoke looks intently at Kylo, his shiny black eyes focusing keenly. Kylo has never lied to his master and he won’t start now.

 

“Yes, she is. She is important to me.”

 

“I see. She would be a worthy consort should she awake … You have been a loyal servant. I suppose it is a small matter for you to keep her. As long as she does not interfere with your duties, Kylo Ren,” Snoke warns.

 

\---

 

His meditation chamber is quickly converted into a room for Rey’s still form. Vader’s helmet goes into a cupboard without so much as a thought. The medical staff has left and Kylo is alone with her. He hasn’t even begun to process what has happened and he’s not quite sure what to do. He gingerly sits near her bed and simply looks at her for a long time. It’s as if she’s only sleeping. Her breathing is even and she seems peaceful.

 

Kylo wonders if she’s aware, if she can hear him, feel him. What if she’s trapped and alone in her own mind? She hates it when he leaves her alone for long. He wants her to know that he’s here, that she’s not been abandoned. He reaches out a shaking hand and curls his fingers around hers. It’s the first time he’s ever felt her skin ... His head falls forward in despair and he curls his other arm around his abdomen. He gently soothes his thumb along her knuckles as he begins to rock slightly. His heart feels like it’s cracking in his chest and he already misses her more than he would have ever thought possible.

  
“Rey …” he whispers brokenly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever wonderful Meaghan M/Juulna for being the best beta in the beta biz. I do believe that  
> [Delicious Ambiguity](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7408849/chapters/16968300) updated today.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for continuing to be so tremendously supportive.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MissHarper, and MeganD1 for your marvelous help as alpha readers on this chapter.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who is reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. I so appreciate your time!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic is reunited with his Cinnabon and finally faces reality.

_Now_

 

Kylo holds his face very close to hers as he strokes her hair back from her temple. His eyes flit back and forth, taking in her features. Once she was in his quarters and he was able to simply be with her, he became almost obsessive about her. She is the only thing that keeps him from flying apart at the seams. He needs her now in a way he cannot possibly define.

 

He wants so much to kiss her, but he will not take such liberties. It’s getting harder to keep the guilt at bay; the anger with Snoke keeps welling up within him. He took Rey from him! No, he reminds himself firmly, no, she’s right here.

 

As he trails his fingers along her cheek he feels it again—that odd pulsing that seems to pull him. Once again he tries to reach out with the Force but nothing happens. The pull grows stronger and, instead of trying to push his way in, he gives himself over to the strange energy and finds himself spiraling.

 

Soon he’s in a dark, suffocating place. He can barely see a few feet in front of him, everything shrouded in black smoke. He can still dimly feel himself sitting at her bedside. He realizes that somehow he has been pulled into her broken mind.

 

“Rey?” he calls out. He feels as if he’s moving through thick mud, everything is muted and very strange.

 

“K-ky-lo,” he hears, very faint.

 

“Rey!” He moves to where he senses her slight energy.

 

It’s like forcing his way through a thick jungle, pushing back the tendrils of her mind until he finally makes his way to where her quiet calls are coming from.

 

He finds the projection of Rey, lying on her side; she’s thin and emaciated. Her cheeks are hollow and she’s dressed in a threadbare graying white shift that goes to her thighs and clings to her bony frame. He goes to his knees and pulls her into his arms, holding his face next to hers. Her cheek feels sharp and delicate, like a bird’s bones.

 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” he breathes into her hair.

 

He feels her struggle to put her arms around him. “Shhhh, just lie still. I’ve got you, I’ve got you,” he soothes.

 

He pulls back and looks into her eyes. They look lost and confused, and he sees a hint of something else.

 

She whispers, “Tried so hard.”

 

“I know, oh I know. I’ve felt it, but I couldn’t find you until today.”

 

“Trapped … alone …” Rey chokes out. Speaking seems very difficult for her.

 

“Oh, Rey … I’ve been so afraid of that. I’ve tried to stay with you as much as I could.”

 

Kylo reaches up and trails his fingers along her cheek, watching as her skin begins to liven. Her eyes are growing clearer and she pulls her face from his touch.

 

“Why …?” Rey’s voice still sounds strained from the effort of speaking.

 

“Why? I’m sorry, Rey, I don’t understand.”

 

“Why did you let him do this to me?” she gasps out, clearly taking all of her energy to do so.

 

“I … I didn’t know. It was too late when he summoned me. Please stop trying to talk; I don’t think your mind is ready.”

 

“Would you have stopped him … if you could have?” she chokes out, ignoring his request that she preserve her strength.

 

Kylo doesn’t know how to answer that. He knows that now he would die trying, but he has promised never to lie to her and so he says, “I truly don’t know, Rey. I wish I had a better answer for you.” Force, he’s so ashamed.

 

She looks away, lying limply in his arms. He sees tears leaking from the corners of her eyes. “Are you in pain?” he asks, terrified of her answer.

 

“No … not in the way you mean.” Her voice is growing stronger. In fact, she seems to be shifting as he watches.

 

“In what ways are you hurting? I need to help you. I need to … fix this.”

 

“I have been trapped and very alone. I’ve been screaming and screaming, trying to get you to hear me. I’d almost given up …” She’s pulling from him, moving to sit.

 

“Could you sense me, hear me?” Kylo keeps himself from trapping her in his embrace.

 

“Yes—you’ve kept me from going mad. But when you’re gone … you’re gone so often.” Rey has drawn fully away from him now, her arms wrapped around herself. Kylo remains crouched by her side, needing to hold her again.

 

“I have to be … my duties,” he trails off.

 

She turns away from him at that, putting her back to him.

 

“Please, don’t—please let me hold you,” Kylo pleads.

 

“No, this is wrong, you … you let this happen to me.”

 

“I didn’t—I _didn’t_!”

 

“I’ve had a great deal of time to think about this. I remember, you … you arrived before I was … gone.”

 

As much as Kylo has tried not to think about that, he knows that she is right. “I didn’t understand what he was doing, not until … until it was too late. I wish I had tried. You have no idea how much I wish I had tried …”

 

“You knew Snoke was a danger to me.”

 

He doesn’t say anything to that.

 

“You did, you know you did, and you didn’t get me away from him. You said if I became your apprentice that he would leave me alone!” she accuses. She starts to get unsteadily to her feet.

 

“I thought ... I thought he would,” Kylo says helplessly. He stands and tries to help her up but she shrugs away from him.

 

“Well obviously you thought wrong,” Rey says heatedly. Her skin has returned to its normal healthy glow, her body filling out before his very eyes. His feelings are all over the place. He’s impossibly relieved to see her returning to herself but everything she’s saying … she’s right and he cannot keep lying to himself.

 

She’s standing a few feet from him, looking directly into his eyes. “You … you hinted once that you … care for me.”

 

He knows it’s useless to deny it. “I … yes. Rey, I care for you.” It’s the closest he’s come to admitting his true feelings to either of them.

 

“But not enough to let me go,” she says sadly.

 

“I … I couldn’t.”

 

“Because you _wouldn’t_ disobey your master or because you _wouldn’t_ let me go yourself?”

 

Kylo thinks for a very long time before whispering, “Both.” He looks away.

 

“What sort of caring is that?” She catches his eyes again.

 

“I cannot disobey the Supreme Leader,” he says firmly.

 

“I’ve heard how you talk to me; I know what you _want_ from me. If I meant anything to you beyond being your _prize_ you would have let me go,” she says, lacing her words with crude innuendo.

 

“That’s not true, Rey … that’s not true.” Kylo’s mind is racing. The things she’s saying, the things she’s suggesting … he’s not allowed himself to admit just how deep his caring goes but he knows that she’s wrong. He wants … he wants far more than she’s implying. What she’s suggesting sickens him.

 

“So you haven’t simply been keeping me like some sort of trophy?” Her face is twisted in scorn.

 

“It’s not like that!” He steps toward her, she steps back.

 

“Then what is it _like_?”

 

He hangs his head, looking down. “It’s … I … It was all I could think of to _do_. I need … need you near me.”

 

“Why?”

 

He looks up sharply and says, “You know why!”

 

“No, I don’t. Tell me why.” Her voice is quiet but forceful.

 

“Because … because … I just do!”

 

“Not good enough. Tell me why I shouldn’t believe that you’re just lost to the dark and I’m some sick treasure that you hoard.”

 

“How can you think that?”

 

“You’ve told me nothing to make me think otherwise.”

 

“You … you matter to me.”

 

“Like a pet?” she scoffs.

 

“ _No_! No …" He murmurs, “So much more.”

 

“Why is my body in your rooms, Kylo?” She advances on him and it’s his turn to take a step back.

 

“I told you: because I need you.”

 

“Why do you brush my hair and hold my hand but never more than that? I know what you want, why do you stop yourself? Aren’t you dark? Can’t you take whatever you want?”

 

“I wouldn’t do that!” He looks around wildly. Rey is forcing him to look at so many things he never examines.

 

“Why not?” She tilts her head to the side, lifting her chin in challenge.

 

“Please … I know I’ve failed you; I know I should have protected you. I know I should have taken you and run that day when you asked.” Kylo lifts his hands toward her but she ignores them.

 

“Why didn’t you?”

 

“… I was too weak.”

 

“Too weak to defy your master?”

 

“Yes … and other reasons.”

 

“What other reasons?”

 

“Just leave it be!”

 

“No! Tell me why you’ve done all of this! Why you had me brought here, why you were so confusing and kind, why you act like this!”

 

“Because … because …"

 

“Tell me!”

 

“Because I love you! I’ve loved you from the start. Maker, you ripped me open and rearranged everything inside of me!” He turns away and whispers, “I love you so much it completely undoes me.”

 

Kylo can’t bear to look at her; he stands with his back to her and gazes upward. He wants to leave, to run. He cannot see the rejection in her eyes. But he won’t leave her alone again so he stays.

 

He senses her come up behind him—he’s not even sure how he can in this strange place of her mind. He feels her hands run up his arms as she pulls him back into her, resting the side of her head between his shoulder blades. Rey snakes her arms around him. He looks down in wonder, watching her hands cross in front of him as she holds him tight.

 

“Alright Kylo, alright.”

 

He slowly, hesitantly lifts his hands and places them oh so gingerly over hers. She shifts and laces her fingers in his.

 

They stand like that for a very long time before he finally says, “I’m sorry, Rey. I know I already told you, but I should have taken you and ran when you asked me to. Helped you escape. Before this happened to you, before it was too late.”

 

“It’s not too late.”

 

He doesn’t want to move from her arms; even in this imaginary place he’s never felt anything as sublime as her holding him. But he wants to see her face, so he shifts and he’s exceptionally relieved when she keeps her hands on him as he turns. Soon they’re standing face-to-face and now his arms are around her.

 

“What do you mean it’s not too late?” Kylo asks.

 

“Maybe it’s only a matter of time before I can move again?”

 

“But what if it’s not? And besides … where would we go?”

 

“The Resistance … your mother.”

 

“I … I can’t. I can’t go there. How would we even find them? The First Order has been looking for their new base for months.”

 

“I … I know where they are.”

 

“What? Is that why you fought the Supreme Leader so hard?”

 

She looks away for a moment before saying, “I had to protect … them.” Her eyes are fierce, and he’s not sure she’s telling him everything, but he doesn’t press.

 

“I … I can’t just leave,” Kylo says.

 

“Why not? You just said-”

 

“I know what I said! But it’s not that simple.”

 

“It could be,” she says cautiously.

 

“My training, the Supreme Leader …”

 

“You’d still follow that creature?”

 

“I … I’m not … I can’t. But … you … I will find a way to get you to them. Now that your mind is healing, perhaps you’ll wake up soon? When you do, I’ll … I’ll help you escape.” He’d always known that he would have to let her go if she woke up. The moment Snoke hurt her, he’d known he couldn’t risk keeping her as his apprentice. He will have to make whatever time he has with her stretch to fill the rest of his days.

 

“Do you promise?”

 

“Yes. I won’t fail you again. I promise,” Kylo vows. She smiles at him then—it’s open and genuine and he thinks he could live forever on that smile.

 

Kylo realizes he’s been with her for a very long time, that his absence is sure to be noticed soon. “Rey … I have to go.”

 

“What—no!” Her eyes widen with absolute terror. “What if you can’t come back? What if I’m all alone again?”

 

“You’re already so much stronger then when I first found you. We’ll test it, alright? I’ll leave and come right back.”

 

“Please don’t go— _please_ don’t go!”

 

“I will never be able to rescue you if I stay with you in here. I know you’re scared, I know it, but I’m no good to you if I just waste away at your bedside.”

 

“You’re right, I know you’re right … I just … I’ve been so alone in here.”

 

“Trust me, Rey, try to trust me. Remember what I said.” _I love you_ ...

 

He’s pulling back but he’s still holding her hands. She’s still in the shift she was wearing when he’d found her, but now it reaches the floor and is almost pure white.

 

“I’ll be back. I’ll be right back.” He lets her hands fall and Kylo pulls himself from her mind.

 

He blinks a bit when he finds himself back in his own body. He’s draped over her, his head in her lap and her hands clasped in his. He sits up and notes that much time has passed.

 

Quickly he puts his hand over her face and wills himself back into her head but nothing happens. He tries again. Nothing.

 

He’s beginning to panic.

 

“Rey, I know you can hear me. I’m trying. I’m not abandoning you. Please be patient. I’m coming.” He will find a way back to her. He won’t allow himself not to.

 

He takes her face in his hands and places his forehead against hers and just keeps thinking “Please, please, please.”

 

Suddenly he feels it again, that odd pull that he now knows is her, and he’s spiraling back into her mind. He coalesces in her brain and her face is buried in his chest and her arms are wrapping around him. She’s sobbing.

 

“I’m here, I’m here. I will always come for you,” he promises into her hair.

 

“When you couldn’t get back I was so afraid. I heard you trying, felt your fear.”

 

“It doesn’t seem to work like when I enter minds with the Force. I think … I think you have to pull me in.” He feels her laugh into his chest.

 

“What is it, why are you laughing?”

 

“I have to let you in. Oh how things have changed since _Starkiller_.”

 

“Not all things …” he says gently.

 

She pulls back and looks into his eyes as she says, “No … not all things.”

 

“Now that we understand, I’ll be back tonight.”

 

Her beautiful face crumples at the thought of him leaving again. But he watches as she finds her strength and she says, “Alright. You really will be back?”

 

“I promise. I’ll never leave you alone for longer than I have to. Soon you’ll be better and you’ll not have to rely on me like this.” His heart twinges at that. Kylo knows he’ll have to let her go sooner rather than later.

  
He pulls her close and whispers against her temple, “I’ll be back … I _will_ be back.” Before he can lose his nerve he kisses her softly against her forehead and withdraws.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my truly exceptional friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. I don't know how she manages to keep up with everything. She really is a wizard.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who, I kid you not, came home with Kylo Ren breakfast cereal.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MeganD1, and MissHarper for alpha reading this chapter. You're all absolute gems.
> 
> Thank you readers! I am humbled by every hit, kudo, and comment.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic spends more time with Cinnabon in her mind and he finally asks her why she's so afraid of being alone.

Kylo is finally back in his quarters. All day he’s thought of nothing but Rey. This isn’t a change, of course, but knowing she’s really in there and alone … just _waiting_ for him, it fills him with urgency. He’s certain Hux noticed how quickly he quit the meeting room and raced back to his quarters.

 

He pulls his mask from his face and his gloves from his hands and is leaning his forehead against hers as soon as he’s through the door.

 

“I’m back,” he whispers. He feels her answering pulse and he’s quickly within her consciousness again.

 

He finds her in her usual pale gray clothing, her hair back in its customary buns. They’re in a room he doesn’t recognize and she’s sitting on a small bed. The room is utilitarian with only the bed and a small chair in the corner.

 

“Where are we?” Kylo asks.

 

“My old room from the Resistance base.”

 

“Interesting choice,” he says wryly.

 

“It was the first time I had a bed,” she says softly, looking ashamed.

 

“I didn’t mean anything by it, I’m sorry.” Without even intending to, he hurts her. Why is he always hurting her?

 

Kylo moves to Rey, reaching his hands out. He wants to hold her again. But she pulls back and looks at him with something he can’t define. He doesn’t know what to expect from her. The way she’d clung to him earlier, he had hoped … but no, clearly she had simply been alone for too long. He’d been foolish to think such things; she would never want him. He drops his hands and packs away all of the little fantasies he’d had throughout the day.

 

“I spent the day trying to move. I can feel my body … feel when you hold my hand, but I can’t seem to _move_!” she says with frustration. Rey stands and begins to pace.

 

“Give it time; be patient,” he soothes.

 

“I don’t _want_ to be patient! I want to get out of my own damned head!” She stops pacing and turns to look at him.

 

While he is so very glad to see her fire, it twists his heart to think of letting her go. He’s certain it’s only a matter of time, now.

 

“And you were alright, alone?”

 

“Yes … it was easier knowing you were coming back. It was the not knowing that was truly getting to me. At first, when I thought I just needed to recover, it was almost … fun.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Watch this,” she says, her face brightening with pride.

 

He looks around the room and is surprised when it’s replaced by a lush forest. The room melts away and now they’re standing in a small clearing surrounded by trees. He can even hear birdsong and feel the sun on his face.

 

“D’Qar,” she offers before he can ask. “That’s where we were before Shenden.”

 

“It’s beautiful. I’ve never been.” It’s difficult for him to speak of the Resistance, knowing she was with Leia Organa.

 

“I liked it there. I was sad when we had to leave. Shenden was always cold; it was just ice and snow. I never knew how much I liked green things until I saw Takodana.” Rey smiles at the memory.

 

He snorts and she looks at him quizzically.

 

“I seem to be responsible for taking you from places that you enjoy,” Kylo says quietly. He thinks of all the places he would show her if things were different.

 

“Well … D’Qar wasn’t really your fault.”

 

“It’s enough my fault,” he says quietly.

 

“I … well … I suppose that’s true,” she concedes.

 

“But enough of that. This is quite impressive.”

 

“It’s what I did for the first weeks, before I began to give in to the despair. I became quite good at it. I can make it look like anything I’ve seen and even some things I’ve only imagined. I’ve travelled more in my mind in these last two months than I _ever_ have in reality.”

 

“Remarkable. I suspect you’ll be very impressive with the Force mind specialties.” He sees her stiffen and clarifies quickly, “I didn’t mean … not like I … am.” Everything seems to be coming back to how he’s hurt her and he’s not sure what to say.

 

“It’s alright … I know you wouldn’t do that to me … now.”

 

“ _Do_ you know that?”

 

“Yes. I believe it, at least. I hope you won’t prove me wrong.”

 

“I won’t. I … I know what your belief means.” That she will even speak to him at all is miraculous.

 

“Good,” Rey says firmly.

 

She seems to like to show him things so he suggests, “Jakku, take me to Jakku. Show me where you grew up.”

 

“Oh, no … Jakku is a nothing planet. You wouldn’t like it.” She wraps her arms around her waist.

 

“I’ve actually been. I would … I would like to see _your_ Jakku.”

 

“Well I don’t ever want to see it again!” she says angrily as she turns from him. He reaches out and puts his hand on her shoulder, hoping she won’t shrug it off. She doesn’t.

 

“Rey … what happened to you? Why are you so afraid of being alone? I thought … I thought you grew up alone.”

 

“Just because you saw into me, saw my loneliness, doesn’t mean you _understand_.” She lets him turn her around again but her eyes are downcast. He grows nervous from touching her and pulls his hands back.

 

“No, I know. But … but I’d like to―to understand,” he entreats.

 

She looks up sharply, then, but doesn’t say anything.

 

“Share this with me. Tell me what happened to make you so afraid of being alone?” he gently asks.

 

“It’s not … it’s not being _alone_ that terrifies me.”

 

“Then what is it?” _I want to know you._

 

“It’s being alone and _trapped_.”

 

“Yes?” he encourages. Rey looks around furtively and goes to sit on the ground, cross-legged.

 

She looks up as she admits, “I’ve … I’ve never told anyone this.”

 

Kylo sinks down onto the ground next to her. “Please tell me?”

 

“I’m afraid,” she breathes out.

 

“Of what?”

 

“That … that once you know, you’ll go and never come back.” He can’t quite get her to catch his eyes.

 

“Rey … no. Nothing you could tell me would make me do that.”

 

“I did something bad,” she whispers, focused on her hands.

 

“You’ve seen me do the two worst things I’ve ever done. Is it worse than killing your father or locking a terrified young woman alone in a barren cell for days?”

 

She does look at him then. “You think that’s one of the worst things you’ve ever done?”

 

“Yes. I knew then … knew what I feel for you. I may not have admitted it to myself fully, but I knew. And I still did that.” He hopes telling her this will make her feel like she can share this with him, whatever it is.

 

“Oh.” She looks back down.

 

“Please tell me. You once said you needed to understand why I did what I did to Han Solo … to my father. I need to understand what precisely I did to you by locking you away like that.” He thinks that at least once she’s with the Resistance he won’t be able to hurt her anymore.

 

“Well you might not feel so bad about it if I tell you.”

 

“That’s not why I want to know.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Please?”

 

She sighs heavily and he notices the sun has started to set on ‘D’Qar’. She glances away and says, “I was 15. The local tavern keeper decided that he wanted me. Wanted me as his third wife.”

 

He’s appalled by this. She was 15? He cannot fathom Rey as a _third_ wife. Who was this man to treat her like that? She is meant to be treasured; her husband’s _everything_. He allows himself a brief moment of imagining the life he wishes he could have. She would be all he would ever want, all he would ever need. Oh, Maker … to have her as his very own ...

 

She’s grown quiet again. “Yes?” he pushes gently.

 

“I refused. I tried to stay away from Niima as much as I could, but I had to eat. I would save up my scavenge for as long as possible, until it got to be the most I could carry. I wouldn’t get as many portions―I’ve often wondered if Plutt was in on it.”

 

“Plutt?”

 

“Unkar Plutt, the junk boss who I traded with. It’s how I survived, how I earned my portions.”

 

“I see,” he says, unable to hide the sadness in his tone.

 

“Don’t pity me!”

 

“I’m sorry, I … I just wish that it wasn’t so hard for you.”

 

“I was fine; I handled it. Anyway, I was able to stay away from Niima for days and days, but when I had to come to town, eventually … Tepic caught me. That was his name, Tepic Gheran.”

 

“And he imprisoned you?” Kylo’s chest is swirling in fury. He thinks he might just need to visit Jakku once she’s safely away.

 

“In a small cellar, I think it was usually for wine. He kept me in there for three months―at least I _think_ that’s how long it was. I’ve never really been sure.”

 

“Three months?” he gasps out. He’s finding it very difficult to control his temper.

 

“Yes … she fed me every other day or so, or when she would remember.”

 

“She?”

 

“His first wife, Lekk.”

 

“I see.”

 

“No, you don’t see! About every ten days Tepic would pull me out and make me eat with him! He’d … he’d force me sit on his lap and eat from his _hand_ or else I wouldn’t get to eat for _days_ afterwards. I refused the first few times. I could feel his … you know.”

 

Kylo closes his eyes in pain and he’s finding it difficult to breath. His hands curl into fists and he thinks that it would be a pleasure to kill this Tepic Gheran. What else did he _do_ to her?

 

“Did he … did he assault you, Rey?” Kylo asks dangerously.

 

“No. His clan forbade it. The wife has to be pure on the wedding night and has to agree to the marriage. I guess they … check.” Rey’s lip curls in revulsion. “The elders, they won’t agree to the marriage if the wife doesn’t consent. He thought … he thought he could break me.”

 

“Go on.” Kylo is thinking about how he had shut her away … no wonder she had thought he would starve her into submission. Maker, he really is _disgusting_.

 

“One night Tepic … he drank too much and he passed out. I … I took his knife and ... I _hated_ him so much. I just started stabbing and stabbing and stabbing until he was dead. There was so much blood …” Her voice has taken on a far-away quality, like she’s back there, seeing it. That she was ever in this position—ever so alone and vulnerable—fills him with an almost feral rage, but he controls himself. She needs him. He reaches out again, taking her hand. He’s relieved when her fingers curl around his.

 

“I guess they heard me … killing him, and his wives came in. The other one was named Saahla. She … she was kind to me. He’d done the same thing to her. Lekk hated me, though—hated that he wanted another wife. But I guess she hated Tepic Gheran more. They helped me—they helped me get rid of the body and clean up the blood. We buried him in the sand fields. There are so many skeletons out there that no one would ever discover what I .. did. No one knew I was there, only Lekk and Saahla. They gave me enough food for a month and told me to stay away from Niima for as long as I could so no one would connect me to his disappearance.”

 

She looks up at him and they look into each other’s eyes for a long time. Hesitantly he begins to pull her to him with their clasped hands, asking with his eyes if she wants this. She nods slightly and he puts his arms around her, she rests her head against his dark surcoat. He knows he’s alone in his feelings, but he’s so relieved that she’s letting him comfort her. He strokes her hair.

 

“Rey …” Kylo murmurs. She nods into his chest.

 

“You did nothing wrong.”

 

“I killed him. I’d never … I’d never killed anyone before. Sometimes I can still feel how tacky his blood was as it dried. How it felt when I stabbed into him; the way the flesh pushed back then gave in,” she whispers. Rey has tangled her fingers in the fabric of his clothing and he continues running his fingers along the fine silk of her hair.

 

“Shhhh. I know, I know,” he croons. He wants so badly to have been able to protect her from this.

 

“I suppose you do know.”

 

“I do. And I never had such a good reason to kill the people that I have.”

 

She starts to pull away at that, and he curses himself for having said something so stupid. Must he always remind her that he’s a monster?

 

Rey sits up, away from him, and looks at Kylo. It’s grown dark but he can still make out her face in the moonlight. He feels he needs to apologize to her for shutting her away.

 

“Rey, I am exceptionally sorry for keeping you alone in that cell for so long. I … I’d like to think I wouldn’t have done that if I’d understood, but I honestly don’t know. At the time … at the time it seemed that _anything_ was better than letting Snoke get his hands on you.”

 

“I’ve wondered … you seemed pretty sure that he would hurt me. Did he … does _he_ hurt you?”

 

“No, I have never given him cause to,” he says simply.

 

“But you seemed so certain?”

 

“I’ve seen how he turns people to the dark side. It … it isn’t pleasant.”

 

“And yet, you still follow him …”

 

“Yes, I do.”

 

“Why?”

 

“I … he helped me once; I owe him everything. Besides, it’s too late for me now.”

 

“But … I know your mother still wants you back.” There is such hope in her eyes that he wishes he could believe her. But he knows that after all he’s done, his mother surely would never want him back—not really.

 

“No, Rey … I can’t go back. There’s too much,” he says regretfully.

 

“Tell me?” Her eyes are so dark and open in the gentle light of ‘D’Qar’s’ moons.

 

“I … please, not tonight.” He doesn’t want to struggle with her.

 

“But another night?”

 

“I don’t know. You’ll be gone soon. It doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head. Why open himself up like that when she’s only going to leave him soon?

 

“It _does_ matter—it matters to _me_. Please?” He hears the echo of his own wishes and he knows he’ll give in to her soon.

 

“If I promise to talk with you about this before you leave, will that suffice?”

 

“I guess.”

 

“Good. Now, it’s late and you should sleep. Do you? Sleep?”

 

“Yes, though it stopped being regularly a while ago. But you have to keep a schedule. I understand.”

 

He senses she doesn’t want him to go and he wonders what it would be like to go back to her small Resistance room and sleep with her in her mind. “I’ll be back in the morning.”

 

“I know. You always spend time with me every morning before you go.” She smiles a little smile that he doesn’t quite know how to interpret.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Well, goodnight I guess.”

 

He hesitates. He does not want to go but he knows he should. He stands before her and he wants to catch her face in his hands, stroke his thumbs against her face … kiss her. But instead he only whispers, “Goodnight,” as he pulls from her mind.

  
Kylo finds himself back in his quarters. He’s moved onto the bed with her somehow and he has his arm across her torso. He stays like that for a long moment before removing himself to his own bedchamber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever magnificent Meaghan M/Juulna for her made beta skills and for being an all around epic human being. She's posting the end of Delicious Ambiguity today, and the epilogue will kick you in the feels in the best of ways.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, you know why.
> 
> Thank you to MeganD1, Hannidae, and MissHarper for being so lovely and for alpha reading.
> 
> Thank you readers! Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. You make this a wonderful experience.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Swimming lesson! Cinnabon asks Hot Topic to teach her how to swim. What could possibly happen with two half-naked people in a lake? And how can Hot Topic mess it up?

“Rey … Would you take us to Takodana?” He’s back in her mind and in her little room.

 

She looks at him sharply and says, “Why?”

 

“I’d like the chance to make that memory less frightening for you. I remember how you drew back from me after your nightmare.”

 

“Oh.”

 

“I … you’ll be gone soon and I … I’d like to undo whatever I can.”

 

“You are very confusing.”

 

“Why is that confusing?”

 

“You … who you are, I can’t reconcile it to what you've let yourself become. If this ... if you’re still in there, how do you even survive?”

 

“Please, can we not talk about it?”

 

“But …”

 

“I’ve told you I will, but not yet.”

 

“Okay. Okay.”

 

“What do you think about taking us to Takodana?”

 

“It _was_ very beautiful. It was the first time I’d ever seen a lake!”

 

“Have you ever been swimming?” he asks before he can think better of it.

 

“No—what a wonderful idea!” she says brightly.

 

He suddenly realizes the trap he laid for himself and he’s panicking. She can’t see … He doesn’t want her to see.

 

“Will you teach me?” She sounds so eager.

 

“Oh no, I was just curious if you’d ever been.”

 

“Why not? What else are we going to do?” She’s brimming with excitement. She wants to spend time with him, she wants him to do this with her … but he simply cannot bring himself to see the pity in her eyes or hear the invariable questions fall from her lips.

 

While they’ve been talking, she’s shifted everything about and he finds he’s standing and looking out on one of Takodana’s many lakes. The sun is high in the sky and it glints off of the rippling water. They’re standing on the shore and there are many large trees clustered along the banks. Heavy branches dip into the lake and a slight breeze moves through the rich green leaves.

 

“See! It’ll be fun,” Rey exclaims.

 

She’s stripping down to just her underthings and his eyes go everywhere but her. He still catches glimpses of her soft golden skin and for one mad moment he considers joining her, pressing his body against hers. He’s never felt his skin against another’s and seeing her like this, the craving is immediate and total.

 

“Come on, it’ll be nice to get out of all that black, won’t it?”

 

Oh, Maker, to feel her against him, to touch her slim waist as he teaches her to keep herself afloat … But he can’t.

 

“No … you go,” he says resignedly.

 

“Well I obviously can’t swim. You have to _teach_ me. Aren’t you still my master?” she says playfully.

 

“I … no, Rey, I’d rather not.”

 

Her face falls and she says, “I thought you _liked_ teaching me.”

 

“I do,” he says softly, a sad smile pulling at his lips. He knows he must explain himself; that she’s feeling rejected.

 

Kylo looks away and says, “I … I am badly scarred Rey.”

 

Her eyes go stormy and she clenches her fists.

 

“Did _he_ do that to you?”

 

“No—I told you ... The Supreme Leader has never hurt me.” Not in the ways she means.

 

“What happened?”

 

“It was long ago, but I’d prefer you not see it.”

 

“I don’t have to. I … I have scars, too, but I’m just how I project myself. We’re not real, after all. I’m just the way I want you to see me.” She seems a bit shy at this.

 

Kylo hates the idea that she’s been hurt, too. He wonders why it matters to her how he sees her; she already knows how he feels. “I see. I’m still not terribly comfortable with this, Rey.”

 

“Why not? It’ll be fun. I mean, I think it will—I’ve never gone swimming, after all.”

 

She walks up to him, standing in very little clothing, and looks into his eyes plaintively. “Please?”

 

Kylo knows he’ll give her anything and hears himself say, “If you insist.” His tone is stiff but he feels the corners of his mouth turn upwards.

 

“I do! Okay, just concentrate on hiding your scars. See yourself without them and they should just disappear.”

 

He’s feeling incredibly self-conscious but he does as she requests. It’s strange to imagine himself free of the markings of that horrific, terrifying time. He’s lived with the reminder of that awful experience for years now.

 

Kylo hesitantly begins to remove his clothing, noting that the scars are indeed hidden. What an odd place, projected into Rey’s mind. He’s not been without the shield of his dark robes in a very long time; longer still since he stripped to his underthings to swim in a lake. There had been a small body of water near the Academy and he used to swim often. He is surprised to find the idea of gliding through the water excites him. Rey excites him. He decides that he won’t let himself spoil this. He’s gathering every moment with her that he can, for he knows these days must last a lifetime.

 

Soon they’re standing on the shore and he’s feeling awkward and exposed and he has no idea where to look. He decides to train his focus on her face, and _only_ her face. She’s smiling and looks very eager.

 

“Okay, so I guess we just wade in?”

 

“That is generally how it is done.”

 

She steps gingerly into the water and giggles. “It tickles!” Her exuberance is contagious and he finds some of his trepidation leaving him.

 

He follows her and the gentle waves lap at him as they go deeper. Soon they’re up to their waists and he’s enjoying the feel of the water. He moves in further, wanting to be hidden by the dark lake. He looks over his shoulder and finds her standing behind him. Fear crosses her face.

 

“It’s alright,” Kylo reassures.

 

“I’ve just never felt anything like this … there’s so much water. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea …”

 

“Oh no, you got me this far—I won’t let you back out now.”

 

He moves to where she’s frozen and stands behind her, close but not touching her.

 

“First you need to get used to getting your face wet, putting your head under the water.”

 

She swivels and looks up at him and he sees the trepidation in her eyes.

 

“I won’t let anything happen to you. Besides, we’re in your mind. Just will the lake away if you get too nervous.”

 

“I’m not nervous.”

 

“Of course not.”  She glares at him.

 

“So I just … go deeper until I’m covered?”

 

“No, why don’t you crouch down in the water. That way you can stand up if it’s too overwhelming. Here … hold my hand, you’ll feel safer.”

 

“Alright,” she says as she slips her hand into his. Having her so close, feeling their hands clasped together, is affecting him and he’s _very_ grateful for the coverage of the lake.

 

Rey holds his hand tightly as she lowers herself beneath the water.

 

“Wait!” he exclaims.

 

She looks up, about to put her face under the rippling water and says, “What is it?”

 

“You have to hold your breath.”

 

Rey rolls her eyes and says, “I know that, Kylo. It wouldn’t make any sense to try and breathe in water.”

 

“Right, of course.”

 

She takes in a deep breath and soon she’s beneath the water. He feels her tighten her fingers around his and he almost pulls her back up. Kylo rolls his eyes at himself. Worried that she’d drown after only a few seconds … she derails his reason.

 

He feels her use his hand to pull herself back up and she’s grinning, water dripping from her hair.

 

“That was amazing!” she exclaims. “To be under the water like that, totally submerged!”

 

He smiles at her, warm and open. He’s not felt this free in such a long time.

 

“Alright, I’m going to show you how to float on your back. Now, your body will naturally float, you just have to learn to let the water hold you. Don’t fight it.”

 

He’s still holding her hand and he pulls her deeper into the water. Now the lake comes up to just below his chest and to her shoulders. He bends down slightly and lifts her, holding her right at the surface. Her arms wrap around his neck and he completely loses the point of the exercise. All he can feel is that he’s holding her the way he had on Takodana, how he had when he’d rushed her to the med bay, except now her eyes are bright and open and she’s _clinging_ to him. Their bare flesh is pressed together and he’s trembling. He’s certain she can feel how the tremors move beneath his skin.

 

This is so different than it had been before. There’s nothing between them and he can feel _every single point_ where their bodies meet. Her thighs are slick from the water and her skin is exquisitely supple against his hands, against his chest, against _him_. Feeling her arms around his neck, so much of her _touching_ him, his body is alight with the need to _do something_.

 

Her face is very close to his and it feels as if she’s looking right into him with her complex hazel eyes. She already knows how he feels but he doesn’t want her to perceive how he _wants_ her. She’s guessed a bit of it, she’d said as much when he’d first found her in her mind. But somehow he still wishes to keep some part of his feelings to himself. Of course if he weren’t hidden by the water she’d be able to _see_. His fingers tighten, pressing into her flesh, and _stars_ , he wants to close the distance and catch her lips with his. She’s blinking slowly and he’s barely breathing; his heart is beating furiously in his chest.

 

Kylo isn’t thinking, he’s only acting, being, _fulfilling,_ as his face starts to move towards hers. Her eyes widen a fraction and she says, “Now what?”

 

And just like that, the spell is broken and he’s aware of how he’s simply been standing in the water, holding her, feeling her, _wanting_ her. He closes his eyes briefly and takes a deep breath, controlling himself.

 

“Right, yes.” He lets her float in the water, lessening his hold. “Do you feel how the water is almost supporting you?”

 

He looks into her face and finds such eager glee.

 

“Yes!” She’s grinning now.

 

“Alright, I’m going to let you go now. Stretch out and let yourself be suspended in the lake.”

 

He takes his arms from around her and watches as she does as he’d instructed. Soon she’s simply floating on her back. She starts to push with her arms, propelling herself along the surface of the imaginary lake.

 

Rey is still smiling and her eyes are sparkling as she floats away from him. She keeps paddling slightly; soon she’s rather far from him when she lifts her head and loses her buoyancy. Rey’s eyes fill with panic and she starts to strike furiously at the water and her legs sink beneath the surface. She starts to sputter and flail and he dives towards her. He’s hauling her up and she’s finding the bottom of the lake and standing so close to him. She’s pressed against him, his arms around her as they stand there, water streaming down their bodies.

 

She looks up into his face and he’s acutely aware that his hardness is trapped between them. Rey’s eyes widen and her lips part in what he can only presume is disgust. Kylo is frozen; he doesn’t know what to do. He’s embarrassed to be caught with such a physical reaction to her. Kylo remembers how she’d told him of being forced to sit on her kidnapper’s lap and he turns away in shame. He’s no better than that cretin, forcing her to feel his desire.

 

“Wait, Kylo … it’s alright.”

 

“No, it’s not.”

 

“I … I don’t mind.”

 

He laughs derisively, no mirth in the hard sound, keeping himself turned away from her. He doesn’t want to see the pity, the _kindness_ in her eyes.

 

Kylo feels as her fingers come up along his shoulders and she’s pulling him, trying to get him to face her, but he won’t move. He suddenly remembers that he could simply remove himself from her mind and he’s about to do just that when she says, “No, don’t leave. Please don’t leave.”

 

Rey keeps trying to get him to turn around but he stands firm. Her hands trail down his arms and she lets him go. He assumes she’s given up trying to soothe him when suddenly she’s right in front of him, having moved silently in the water.

 

He’s about to turn his back to her again when she grabs his face and forces him to look at her. His eyes move quickly, trying to find somewhere else to look but wanting desperately to land upon her.

 

“Look at me, Kylo. Please look at me.”

 

He does what she asks and he finds her face open, her eyes pleading.

 

“You don’t need to pull away, to hide,” she says.

 

“I’m not hiding.” He hears how defensive he sounds.

 

“Yes, you are. You think … you think I don’t … you think I don’t want you back.”

 

“Of course you don’t. You already told me that you couldn’t return my feelings.” He’s remembering how sad she’d looked when he’d first hinted that he cared for her.

 

“I shouldn’t, that’s true.”

 

His eyes flick to hers and he says, “Shouldn’t?”

 

“Yes. Shouldn’t. But … I … you’re not … you’re not alone, Kylo.”

 

“What are you saying?”

 

“I’m saying … I’m saying that this,” she puts her arms around him as she continues, “is not unwelcome.”

 

He can’t quite comprehend what she’s suggesting and he stands there dumbly, the water gently lapping against his waist, his arms hanging limply as he feels her small hands along the small of his back. Then her words finally pierce the fog of his confusion and he cautiously wraps her in his embrace. He holds her loosely, wanting her to be able to pull away. He can’t bring himself to accept that she means what she says.

 

Rey looks up and time is moving very strangely. She lifts herself on her toes, moves one of her hands to his face, and pulls him down until her face is close to his. He can’t quite believe this is happening. He’s never … he’s never kissed a girl before, and he’s extremely nervous. Her eyes flutter closed and he’s moving forward, closing the distance, touching his lips to hers. He pulls her so close and kisses her with years of pain and pent-up denial surging through him. He’s whimpering against her lips and he’s crushing her to his chest. He has no idea what he’s doing but somehow instinct has taken over and he’s thrusting his tongue into her mouth and she’s _letting_ him and the feelings are so intense. Her mouth is moving against his and he’s pulling her bottom lip into his mouth, running his tongue along its velvet softness. He wants to devour her, and he’s very aware of how his skin feels against hers.

 

His whole body is on fire and there’s something about the contrast with the cool water that is making him insane—he wants her so badly. Her small hands are fisting in his hair and he kisses her like he’ll never get another chance. Because he’s not sure he will; perhaps this one moment with Rey is all he will ever have and he thinks perhaps it might be enough. He’s nearly incoherent with pleasure, and his body is telling him to do things he knows he shouldn’t, so he starts to pull back. He realizes that she’s likely only confused, reacting to her isolation.

 

Rey mewls a disappointed sound and tries to continue their frantic clutch, but he shakes his head and says, “Shhh, we must calm down.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because this is getting out of control and I won’t take advantage of you like this.” He starts to step back from her but she takes his hands. He lets her.

 

“What do you mean?” she asks worriedly.

 

“You are so vulnerable right now, trapped with me as your only contact. I … it wouldn’t be fair to you.”

 

“But … I told you I want this.”

 

“I know, I know, but you’re likely confused.”

 

“Confused? No, I’m not confused.” Her brows draw together in consternation.

 

“I’ve imprisoned you and allowed you to be harmed most egregiously. It doesn’t make sense for you to turn to me like this, unless you are confused.”

 

“What?!” She drops his hands.

 

“Listen to me, Rey. You were right to hate me; you’re only feeling this way because of loneliness or gratitude … I’ve read how prisoners can sometimes react to their jailers.”

 

“Stop. Just stop. You think I don’t know my own mind simply because I used to be your prisoner?” Rey steps back from him.

 

“And now you’re entirely beholden to me for any human contact. It’s perfectly natural that you would fixate upon m-”

 

“Fixate? Like I would just kiss the first person who came along?”

 

“Well … yes.”

 

“Leave,” she demands angrily.

 

“What?”

 

“Leave. Leave now.”

 

“But…”

 

“No, if you think that of me, that I would throw myself at whomever just because I’ve been _lonely_ … leave.” She wraps her arms around herself.

 

“Please, I didn’t mean-”

 

“Oh, I know precisely what you meant. If you don’t leave, I will _push_ you out. I may not know how to yet, but I’m sure I can figure out how to manage it.”

 

“Rey …”

 

“Now!” she screams.

 

“I …”

 

“Leave me, you bastard,” she says bitterly.

 

“No, not like this, please, let’s ta-”

 

And before he knows it he’s back in his own head, his hands grasped tightly in hers, his head on her shoulder. He sits up quickly—being ejected from her mind had been extremely disorienting.

 

He places his hands along her face and pleads, “Rey, I’m sorry, please bring me back.”

 

He doesn’t feel anything, not the normal pulse of her, just her slow and steady breathing.

 

“Please, Rey, I need to talk with you—you have to let me back in.”

 

But still there is nothing.

 

“Rey!” he bellows.

 

He can’t bear this. What if she never lets him back in? What if he’s lost these last precious days with her? Maker, he destroys everything ... _everything_.

 

Kylo goes to his sitting room and begins to pace frantically, running his fingers through his dark hair. He’s lost her. He was just with her, kissing her ... oh Force, he was _kissing her_ and now he’s hurt her again. He _always_ hurts her. He’s certain the sooner that she’s away from him, the better it will be for her. But the thought of letting her go … He’s not faced that, not really. She’ll be gone from him soon. He won’t have her in his rooms any longer; he won’t be able to hold her hand, brush her hair. He’s going to lose her.

 

He can’t handle the feelings coursing through him so he does what he has always done when he cannot face something. He takes up his saber and he rages. He slashes his wall furiously, each strike a strike at himself, each cut a cut into his own heart. He keeps stabbing the wall, over and over again until he falls to his knees, panting and broken. _He’s going to lose her._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you my lovely beta and friend, Meaghan M/Juulna. She totally let me talk her ear off for an hour about story pacing. Patience of a saint, our Meaghan.
> 
> Thank you Hannidae, MeganD1, and MissHarper for being rockin' alpha readers!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for his unfailing support.
> 
> Thank you readers, I treasure you all and am grateful for every hit, kudo, and comment.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic finally explains why the heck he's so dang loyal to Walmart and Abercrombie & Fitch comes bearing news.

He’s not slept all night, as he had known he would not. He pulls himself from his bed and goes straight to Rey, not bothering to dress for the day. That can wait. Kylo hopes that she will relent now that she has had some time to think.

 

He has his forehead pressed against hers and he’s holding her face. He thinks that perhaps he shouldn’t be touching her, but it seems to be easier to enter her mind if his skin is touching hers. He hopes she’ll forgive him.

 

“Rey, I’m sorry. I just can’t believe that you would want this … want _me_.”

 

He feels a spike of energy and he wonders if it was intentional.

 

“Please let me in, I _need_ to talk with you.” He can sense her strange presence but she isn’t pulling him in―not yet.

 

“The things I’ve done … I just can’t imagine that you would want anything like that, not with me, not with who I am.”

 

Suddenly he’s spiraling into her mind and he finds himself in a cold and icy place. He looks around swiftly, seeking Rey.

 

Finally he sees her by a small grove of trees, thick with snow. She’s wearing a large white coat with fur along the hood. He looks down and finds that even though he’s in only his sleeping pants back by her bed, he’s clothed as he usually is, even down to the black gloves. Her face is nearly hidden behind the bulky clothing but he can still see the accusation in her eyes.

 

He walks to her but does not come too close.

 

“Where are we?” Kylo asks.

 

“Shenden,” she says shortly.

 

“I thought you didn’t like it here.”

 

“I don’t. But it feels like I do, so it seemed fitting.” Her eyes are cold and stormy. He supposes that the ice and snow _are_ somehow appropriate.

 

“I’m sorry,” he says softly.

 

“For kissing me?” She lifts her chin slightly as if to challenge him.

 

“Yes … no. No, I’m not sorry I kissed you. I’m sorry for _hurting_ you.” He’s surprised to find that he’s _not_ sorry he kissed her, that memory is already deeply embedded in his soul. He knows he’ll keep it close and precious for the rest of his days.

 

“You made me feel like I don’t get a say.” Her posture is changing; she’s no longer pulsing with hurt and her anger is lessening.

 

“I don’t understand.”

 

“By telling me that I don’t know what I want, that I was _confused_ , you were the one who took away my ability to choose. You treated me like I don’t have any say. I told you that I wanted … that, and you just pushed me away, telling me that I don’t know my own wishes.”

 

“Of course you have a say! You … you … I will do anything I can to ensure that you have what you wish.”

 

“And if what I wish for is you?”

 

“That’s not possible.” She must be terribly mixed up if she thinks she actually wants _him_.

 

“Why?” Her expression is open again.

 

“Because … because I’m me.” She’s drawing closer but he’s finding he’s almost afraid so he steps back, turning slightly away.

 

“And I think … I think the man you’ve shown me is not who you pretend to be. You aren’t dark, Kylo.” Rey walks closer to him then and she’s putting her hand on his arm. He notices she’s wearing soft gray gloves and he wonders how they feel.

 

“Yes, I am.” He must be. Skywalker would never have done what he did if Kylo wasn’t dark.

 

“What happened?” she asks, so gently. She’s moved to stand right in front of him and her hand trails down his arm. She laces her fingers through his and the leather of their gloves rasps together.

 

“I …”

 

“Please tell me why you don’t believe I could want you? Tell me how you came to be with Snoke, why you rejected your family, rejected the Jedi?”

 

“ _I_ didn’t! _They_ did.” The pain of that time spikes in his blood. Snow has started to fall but it’s not precisely cold. It’s easy to forget that they’re in her mind, but there’s always something to remind him that things don’t work properly here.

 

Rey’s brows draw together. “No, no, that’s not true. Leia told me what happened.”

 

“And what did … what did she tell you?” He’s never known what his mother thinks happened to him. He’d not been able to face her. Then he’d been too hurt that she’d abandoned him.

 

“She said that you were traveling with Luke when the galaxy found out that Darth Vader is your grandfather, that everyone turned on you. She told me that you ran, that you went to Snoke ….”

 

“That’s … that’s not what happened. Not really.” All this time, his mother has never known what Luke did?

 

“Tell me, please. I need to understand. I want to understand … you.” She gently squeezes his hand. He knows this is a long story so he pulls her to a fallen tree and he encourages her to sit. Soon they’re sitting side by side, their bodies angled so that they can see one another.

 

“I wasn’t with … Luke when everyone found out about my grandfather. I was on my own mission. My first, actually. But I think I need to go back further. My family never told me. Not _any_ of it. They didn’t tell me about the dark side. I didn’t even know what it _was_. It was only ever the Force. Darth Vader was an evil man who used the Force to wreak havoc on the galaxy. I had no _idea_ that there were two sides, that there was such a _thing_ as the dark side.”

 

“But … it’s in the histories you gave me ...” she says in confusion.

 

“And who do you suppose controlled what we had access to? I was at the Jedi Academy from the age of 8. We were all children. I think, now, that Luke thought if he never taught us about the dark side we could never be tempted. He was so wrong.” How he had loved the Academy. It was so bright and open … they were going to fix the galaxy. He was going to be part of a wonderful new future with peace and prosperity for all. He had been _bitterly_ disappointed when he’d found out what people are _really_ like.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“The dark _always_ sparked in me, I just didn’t know what it _was_. I knew that sometimes I would upset Luke, that he would seem afraid of me, but I never knew _why_. I just learned what things to avoid and that’s what I did. I was very committed to him, when he was my master.” Kylo remembers how his uncle’s face would twist and he would know he’d done something wrong.

 

“You always have taken duty very seriously, haven’t you?” Rey looks … almost like she might admire that about him.

 

“Yes, very much so. I was so _proud_ to be representing the Jedi for the first time …” Kylo looks away, remembering how he’d been brimming with happiness that Master Luke was finally trusting him on his own.

 

“What did they tell you happened to the Jedi if they never explained about the dark side?” she asks, frowning slightly.

 

“Only that the Empire had hunted and killed them.” He wishes he had thought to press, but why would he question his family?

 

“So you never knew about the Sith …” Rey sounds like she might be beginning to understand.

 

“No … not until … after.”

 

“And now you’re one of them,” Rey says sadly.

 

“No, I’m not, actually. Snoke doesn’t believe in the ways of the Sith. He finds them … ostentatious.” Snoke has always thought the Rule of Two to be limiting; that discord was not an essential element to the dark. Snoke eschews chaos.

 

“What _does_ he believe?”

 

“That there must be balance. It’s why he sought me out. Raised in the light, you see …” he says regretfully.

 

He continues, “I was on Lenn. They were on the brink of civil war and had called for the Jedi to broker peace. Oh Rey … I was so hopeful; I only wanted to do the right thing … to help. But when the news broke ... Maker, it was _everywhere_. Ben Solo, the brutal next generation. It was blaring from every holo, screaming across the buildings. My face, my name. It was lurid, the things they called me …” He’d barely been able to take in what he’d learned before everything had gone so very wrong.

 

“Oh Kylo …” Rey’s eyes are large and she reaches for him, taking his other hand. He’s surprised by how tightly he clings to them.

 

“They … they turned on me. I tried to tell them that they had nothing to fear from me, that I was Jedi, but they kept calling me Sith and I had no idea what they _meant_. It all happened so quickly, I wasn’t able to find out until much later. Lenn had suffered badly under the Empire … they blamed me. They captured me, took my lightsaber. My first lightsaber … it was so beautiful. It was yellow …" A small smile tugs at his lips as he remembers building his badge of honor, the physical embodiment of his connection with the Force, of being Jedi. But then Kylo remembers the panic, the confusion as they’d overwhelmed him and the smile slides from his face, leaving his expression closed and his eyes haunted. He’d tried to fight, to get away, but there were so many of them. He hadn’t wanted to hurt them ...

 

“Tell me, what did they do to you?” She strokes his gloved hand with her thumb, a small but deeply felt comfort. Rey’s compassion wraps him up and Kylo continues to explain himself to her.

 

“Their captain ... Vader had killed his whole family while he’d watched. He … they tortured me. I’d never experienced pain like that; I’d never even been in a battle. The Jedi are peaceful …” Kylo looks away for a long time, lost to remembering the powerlessness, the confusion … the humiliation.

 

His attention returns to her when he feels her pull her hands from his. She takes off her gloves, then she’s stripping the gloves from his fingers. She holds his hands again, now with nothing between them. The snow is still falling gently, but they are protected by the trees. She’s looking down at their entwined fingers and he wonders what she’s thinking.

 

Rey looks up and softly asks, “Is that … is that why you’re scarred?”

 

He closes his eyes briefly, forcibly reminded of the first time he’d managed to look in the mirror … see what they’d done to him. He takes in a shaky breath and says, “Yes … I couldn’t get medical attention for a long time. It was too late.”

 

Rey’s eyes move to his and they’re filled with aching sadness. She pulls his hands to her face and lays her cheek against their tangled fingers. She holds them pressed against her for a long time. Then she gently kisses his knuckles. He can’t remember ever being treated with such … tenderness and his throat is tight.

 

Kylo blinks a bit and continues, “I was terrified, but I was angry, too. I had never done _anything_ to them, or anyone really, and they just wouldn’t _listen_.” He shakes his head and his jaw clenches. He’d begged and pleaded and he’d known he hadn’t deserved what they were doing to him.

 

“I tried to use the Force of course, but I was never as powerful as Luke … not until later. Their captain, one day he came in with a dozen or so men and this time it was much worse. They were taking turns. He was _relentless_ , screaming and crying ... I thought I might die.” He remembers how the captain had seemed to be in another time, another place, taking his vengeance where he could. Grief had long ago stolen the captain’s sanity.

 

“But then something just ... _broke_ within me and the dark rushed in. I was pulsing with power. I don’t even really know what happened, only that when I came to they were all … dead and I … I was free. I have no memory of what I did to them. Then I ran.”

 

He’s quiet, caught in the memory of that moment. It had been horrific―there were so many bodies and he hadn’t been able to reconcile the fact that he had _done_ that with who he believed himself to be. Everything had been crumbling so quickly. He looks into her face, expecting to find revulsion, rejection, _horror_ , but instead he finds that her eyes are soft and understanding.

 

“I stole a ship and made my way to the Academy. I found Luke. I told him what happened. He … he was _disgusted_. He told me that he’d always feared I was too dark; that he’d tried to protect me, but that he’d failed. He … he banished me. He told me he couldn’t take the chance; he said that I was no longer Jedi.” Kylo remembers how his uncle had turned on him. He’d said that Vader had been seduced to the dark side, but that Kylo was _innately_ dark, that there was nothing he could do for him. Kylo hadn’t really understood what Luke meant by the dark side, but now … Now he believes that Luke Skywalker was right.

 

“What happened to the Academy? Your father, he said that a boy betrayed Luke, destroyed it all?”

 

Kylo flinches at the mention of … his father. “I don’t know what happened. Snoke told me it was destroyed, but I don’t know who did it.” He’s always wondered what happened to the Academy. Sometimes he’s even wondered if it was Skywalker himself who’d set the fire. No one has ever seen any of the other apprentices since it fell.

 

“Where did you go?”

 

“I had to stay moving. Everywhere I went people recognized me, spat on me, hated me. I was desperate, I hadn’t had much to begin with and I didn’t know what to do. Everything had always been taken care of growing up. I was the senator’s son or a Jedi―I had no _idea_ how to survive. And the dark … once it had engulfed me that day, it called and swirled in me. I couldn’t control it. There were a few more … incidents.” He looks away. He’s told her enough for her to understand. She doesn’t need to know the rest.

 

“What happened to you? How did you end up … here?” She squeezes his hands.

 

“I was in a horrible tavern full of the worst sort of people. I learned quickly that no one bothered me much if I went to the lowest of places. I suppose my father was useful in his own way. I at least knew how to find the criminals.” Kylo laughs a bit at this, though there is no humor in his tone.

 

“That’s where Snoke found me. He told me everything. Who the Sith were, what the dark side is. He told me that he would help me, show me how to control the dark coursing through me. He took me to his ship, fed me, gave me clean clothes. He said that all he asked in return was my loyalty. I was so desperate and afraid, he almost seemed like a god coming down from on high, lifting me up.” He thinks of how far he had fallen when Snoke had found him. Kylo hadn’t been sure where he was going to get his next meal. He’d resorted to using the Jedi mind trick to eat sometimes … he had hated doing that. But it had been too long and he’d known he needed sustenance soon. Then Snoke had arrived like an answer to all his prayers. Maker, he had been in such a state; he hadn’t even been able to bathe in longer than it bore remembering. Snoke had made him feel _human_ again.

 

“He gave me a new name and the mask, so that no one would know me. I was able to move among people again. I had my self-respect back, at least for a time. It seemed like everything was finally falling into place. I was much stronger with the dark side, could do so many things I’d always dreamed of. It was a long time before he instructed me to kill, and by then … by then I was so grateful, he’d done so much for me … it seemed as if it was right and proper that I be the best Knight of Ren I could be. So I did my duty, always to the best of my ability.” He remembers how Snoke had told him of Darth Vader, told him how the dark was his true legacy. That through the dark he would find himself. He’d grasped the thread of his grandfather, held on to the only family left to him.

 

Growing up, family had been so central to his identity. He was descended from the saviors of the galaxy and the Last Jedi. Finding himself with no family had left him without a tether. Darth Vader had become his only touchstone. Snoke had told him that Vader believed what Snoke did―that only through control could the galaxy ever find peace. Snoke had encouraged him to study his grandfather. He had been drawn to the parallels of their stories, the _inevitability_ of the dark side. It had comforted him to think that he had found his true path. He’s not sure now … Rey has made him question _everything_.

 

“Why didn’t you go to your mother?” Rey asks as she strokes his palm.

 

Kylo looks down at their hands for a moment; thinking about his mother is always difficult. He takes in a breath and quietly says, “After Luke banished me I didn’t think she’d want anything to do with me. I was tainted. I’m still tainted.” Over the years he had tried to believe that the dark side was the right way, but he’s never truly recovered from waking up surrounded by all that blood, all those people dead at his hand. He’s tried to tell himself that it was _good_ that it had happened, that he never would have found Snoke if he hadn’t lost control like that. But all of his lies are collapsing in the face of _Rey_.

 

“Oh, Kylo, no …you aren’t tainted.”

 

“Yes, Rey, I am. Luke was right. I _am_ dark. I always have been.”

 

“But, you don’t like killing … do you?”

 

“No, not particularly, but I don’t mind it much anymore. It is just another of my duties.” Snoke had always told him that peace was coming, that his atrocities were necessary. He’s never thought too deeply about the goals of the First Order. His life is a life of service.

 

“And you feel you owe Snoke your fealty.”

 

“I _do_ , Rey. It’s worth noting that my mother didn’t come looking for me. If Snoke found me, she could have, too. No, this is my life now,” Kylo says firmly. He doesn’t deserve any better.

 

“But … you could come _with_ me. I _want_ you to come with me.”

 

His heart stutters in his chest, and for one brief moment he allows himself to imagine … but then he recalls everything he’s done and he knows he could never be so selfish as to chain her to him. “No, Rey, I told you before. It’s too late for me.”

 

“But I don’t … I don’t want to lose you, Kylo. I … I care about you,” she admits quietly.

 

Kylo smiles sadly and says, “I had hoped, once, that you would. That we would be together in all ways. But it was just a fantasy. I won’t make you stay here and I can’t go with you.”

 

“Well, it doesn’t matter right now, I can’t _go_ anywhere.”

 

“But you will. Your mind healed enough for you to reach me, and every time you pull me in it’s easier. Now it’s like I just fall right into you.”

 

“Will you think about it? Coming with me?” she asks with cautious hope.

 

“I won’t lie to you, Rey. No, I can’t. Please … please don’t ask me again.” He’s not sure he’s strong enough to keep telling her no and she deserves so much better than him.

 

He looks into her eyes and they’re filled with such sorrow, but she simply nods. She reaches up and strokes his cheek and he leans into her touch.

 

“I’m going to kiss you now. Because I want to, not because of any of that nonsense you were spouting yesterday.”

 

He smiles a little at that.

 

She bends forward and catches his lips and he pulls his hands from hers so that he can hold her. He tightens his arms around her, bringing her closer when he feels someone shaking him. Someone is in his quarters. He pulls back quickly and she looks surprised and a little hurt.

 

“Someone is in my rooms trying to get my attention. I’ll be back as soon as I’m able.”

 

Swiftly, he pulls from her mind to find a very angry Hux leaning over him.

 

“Ren, I know she’s your apprentice, but it’s most unseemly for you to be half-dressed, asleep at her bedside,” Hux says, sounding quite disapproving.

 

“What are you doing in my quarters?” Kylo exclaims as he gets to his feet. He’s acutely aware that Hux can see his scars. But Hux doesn’t seem to even notice.

 

“You wouldn’t answer your door―I used my emergency override. Supreme Leader is demanding to speak with you.”

 

“Now?”

 

“Yes, _now_. Do you think I would have come all the way down here to rouse you from your frankly questionable _nap_ if it wasn’t urgent?” Hux asks in irritation.

 

“Inform the Supreme Leader that I will be with him shortly.”

 

“See that you are. And Ren? You’re slipping. The Supreme Leader isn’t happy.” Hux turns and exits quickly, leaving a very confused Knight of Ren in his wake.

 

Kylo stands there blinking for a moment, unsure of what to do. He doesn’t want to leave Rey wondering, but he must get to Snoke immediately. He dresses swiftly and just before he’s about to place his mask on his face, he leans over her, whispering, “Rey …”

 

Instantly he’s back with her in her Resistance room.

 

“What is it? Why does the Supreme Leader want to see you?” Rey says worriedly as she rushes to him. She threads her arms around his waist and he draws her to his chest.

 

“I’m sure it’s nothing … I hope it’s nothing.” Kylo is concerned, but he won’t frighten her until it becomes necessary to do so. “I will be back soon,” he says into her hair.

 

She pulls back and looks into his eyes. “Alright … be careful.”

 

“There’s nothing to be careful of, Rey. He’s never hurt me. I …" He wants to tell her he loves her, but somehow he can’t quite form the words. “I … wish I didn’t have to go,” he finishes lamely.

  
“Me neither,” she says wistfully.

 

She goes up on her toes and presses a sweet kiss to his lips. He wants nothing more than to lose himself in her, but he cannot delay any longer.

 

“I must go.”  

 

“I know.” She gives him a small, sad smile.

 

He looks into her eyes for one moment more then he pulls from her mind, anxious to respond to his master’s call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my magnificent friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. You're so rad you even laugh at my jokes!
> 
> Thank you to Mr. Downing who always preens like Kylo Ren when someone mentions him in the comments.
> 
> Thank you to MeganD1, Hannidae, and MissHarper for taking the time to alpha read, you are all splendid human beings.
> 
> Thank you to all of you fantastic readers! Every single one of you who I have had the opportunity to interact with has been a genuine and kind person. Thank you for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting. You all rock!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What does Walmart want? We all know it can't be good. Hot Topic finally grows a pair and does right by Cinnabon.

Kylo stalks the corridors of the _Finalizer_ , moving swiftly to the holochamber. He’s aware that he’s already kept his master waiting for far too long. Being forced to leave her after sharing his past, having to pull himself from her after she had said that she wants to _be_ with him … it has left his mind in turmoil. Dare he hope it’s true? Dare he believe that Rey really _does_ want him, _care_ for him? What if, one day, she might … love him? Oh, Force … to be able to have a life with her … But it doesn’t matter―it _can’t_ matter. She’ll be gone from him soon and he can’t _possibly_ go with her.

 

He makes himself think of all that Snoke has done for him, how he had saved him. Kylo can’t imagine what would have happened to him if he’d continued on like he had been when Snoke rescued him. He’d been so unstable; the way the dark had spiked and sparked had been utterly terrifying. If his master hadn’t found him, he’s certain he would have descended into madness. He reminds himself firmly of how much he owes Snoke, trying to push away her winsome face, the feel of her lips against his. He shouldn’t go before his master in such a state, but he has no choice.

 

Kylo pauses at the imposing doors, trying—and failing—to bring the riot in his heart under control. He takes a deep breath and enters the cavernous room. He finds Snoke’s image already looming.

 

“Apprentice,” Snoke says coldly.

 

“Master.”

 

“You have been ignoring your duties as of late.”

 

“I ...” He knows it’s pointless to deny it. “Yes, Master.”

 

“When I allowed you to … care for your apprentice, it was not my intention that you become consumed by her. You have been a loyal servant and it seemed a minor thing for you to keep her. However, she is interfering with your focus.”

 

“Yes, Master.” Maybe this is the day when Rey’s fears become founded. Kylo steels himself, knowing he can withstand anything as long as it keeps Rey safe.

 

“It has been nearly three months and she shows no signs of waking. It is time to dispose of her.” Snoke says this as if it’s a mere detail.

 

Kylo barely keeps the cold dread from his face. Not Rey― _anything_ but Rey. Soul-deep terror rises up in him. Please, Master, please. Don’t take her … not again.

 

“Master, I will improve. I will ensure that nothing interferes with doing my duty to you,” Kylo finds himself pleading. Snoke looks at him more intently then.

 

“No, Kylo Ren, I have decided. You have become fixated on her and _it will stop_.”

 

No. He won’t let this happen. He won’t let his master hurt her. He failed her once and he will never do so again. As long as he draws breath he will see her safe, happy and whole. He has no idea how he will protect her, but he _will_ find a way. He must buy himself time. His only chance is to seem to submit.

 

“Then I shall be the one to do it. You have always known what is best for me.”

 

“Good, my apprentice. That shows great strength. You must remove all temptation from your life, as you did when you killed Han Solo.”

 

Bitterness courses through Kylo at this reminder of that unforgivable act. He … resents his master for having required that of him. Years of loyalty and gratitude fall away as he sees that he’s only been lying to himself since Snoke broke Rey’s mind.

 

Kylo is withdrawing when Snoke says, “And Apprentice, you will not delay as you did with Han Solo.”

 

“No, Master.”

 

\---

 

Kylo rushes back to her, his mind spinning with fear and half-formed plans.

 

He’s back in her mind and they are once again on ‘D’Qar’.

 

“What is it? What’s happened?” She moves to him quickly, putting her hands against his chest.

 

“Snoke, he … he’s demanded I kill you.” Her eyes fill with fear. ”I won’t―I promise I won’t,” he rushes to say.

 

“But … what are we going to do?”

 

“I have to get you off of the ship, take you to the Resistance.” He’s beginning to panic, irrationally afraid that stormtroopers will break down his door and murder her in front of his very eyes.

 

“But … Kylo, you just said you’d never leave him.”

 

“That was before―everything is different now. I won’t allow you to die.” Nothing matters anymore, nothing but Rey. Why hadn’t he seen this before? Dark, light, the First Order, the Resistance; it falls into insignificance now that _she_ is threatened.

 

He draws her to him, needing to hold her. He’s tentative, unsure that she might truly mean what she had said, but she flows into him and his arms tighten around her.

 

“How much time do we have?” Rey asks.

 

“A day, maybe two. Snoke made it very clear that I was not to delay.” Having her in his arms is calming him and he’s beginning to think more clearly.

 

“Okay, okay.” She rests her head against his chest and he strokes her hair.

 

He considers his options. No one but Snoke or Hux ever question him. Years of random violence and fits of temper have ensured that.

 

“Tonight, when the night crew is on, there will be far fewer personnel. I’ll get you out then.”

 

“You’re just going to carry me to a ship?” she asks incredulously.

 

“The stormtroopers won’t approach me―they’ve … learned.”

 

She pulls back and looks into his face. “What do you mean?”

 

“I think … I think you must have heard me when I lost control last night?”

 

She nods.

 

“There have been … incidents.”

 

“Incidents?”

 

“Please, Rey. I think you know what my life has been.”

 

“What it has cost you …”

 

“Yes. I … you were right; I have always struggled with the light and the dark within me. The conflict … it has been … it has been very difficult.”

 

Rey reaches up then and pulls his face to hers and kisses him gently. At first it is meant for comfort but soon he’s whimpering into her mouth as he deepens the kiss. He strokes his tongue along her sweet lips and she opens for him. His hands are splayed along her back as he pulls her as close as he can. There is desperation and fear in their passion and everything is beginning to spin wildly. He wants to lose himself in her kisses, but he knows now is not the time. He slows down and parts his lips from hers. They stand there, foreheads together, panting.

 

He pulls back and strokes his fingers along her cheek. “It will work; no one will say anything. I’ll take you to my shuttle. I’ll simply inform the bridge that I’ve been given a mission from the Supreme Leader. No one will find that amiss; it happens often enough.”

 

“But won’t it be odd that you’re travelling alone? Well, as far as they know.”

 

“Yes, but it is my hope they won’t realize until we’re gone.”

 

“You won’t be able to come back.”

 

“I know.” He lifts her chin gently and strokes his thumb along her bottom lip.

 

“You were so sure before, that you couldn’t come with me.”

 

“I … you are more important to me than any other consideration. I should never have let this happen to you. I should have taken you and ran on that very first day. I wish I had.”

 

“I’m not sure I would change anything,” she says pensively.

 

“You can’t be serious.”

 

“I am. If things hadn’t happened as they did, I would still hate you; I wouldn’t know who you _are_. I never would have grown to … care for you.”

 

“Do you really mean that?” His voice quavers.

 

“I do, Kylo. As you once said, you _matter_ to me.” Now she is the one to whisper her fingers along his face.

 

“I am entirely certain that I do not deserve that.”

 

“Perhaps in time you will allow yourself to accept that you are worth far more than you think you are.”

 

Kylo looks away. He doesn’t agree but he doesn’t argue with her.

 

“I need to go. I must spend the day as I normally would.” He takes both of her hands in his and kisses her fingers.

 

“I understand.”

 

“Tonight, we leave this place. I’ll get you to the Resistance,” Kylo vows.

 

“And you’ll stay?” Rey’s eyes are full of hope.

 

“Oh, Rey … I … I don’t know. They may kill me on sight.”

 

“No! I won’t let them!”

 

“And how will you stop them?” He raises a brow in query.

 

“I … it won’t come to that. Leia won’t let them just _kill_ you.”

 

“She might be the one holding the blaster herself.”

 

“No, Kylo, no. That’s not how she feels about you. I promise you, when she spoke of you … she loves you very much.”

 

He has tried so hard to never think about … his mother. The idea that she might still care if he lives or dies is almost too much for him. He pushes it away and pulls from Rey.

 

“I’ll be back this evening. This _will_ work.”

 

“Okay. I trust you.”

 

“And I treasure that trust.” He smiles down on her and squeezes her hands briefly before withdrawing from her mind.

 

\---

 

Kylo has been very careful throughout the day to remain focused on his duties. He does not let his mind wander to Rey, and he does not rush back to her as he has done every day for months. He lingers on the bridge, making sure he is seen.

 

When the crew changes shifts, he feels that enough time has passed and he returns to his quarters―to _her_.

 

He withdraws his mask and holds her face in his hands. He doesn’t even need to say anything; she’s already pulling him into her.

 

They’re back in her small Resistance room and she is tense.

 

“I wish I could move! This would be so much easier if I could just walk with you as your apprentice, your prisoner, whatever.”

 

“It would, but my reputation will ensure that no one questions me.”

 

“You’re sure? If you get caught doing this, they’re sure to punish you … maybe even execute you.”

 

“It wouldn’t matter―if _we_ get caught, I would lose you. Then they can do with me what they like.”

 

Her eyes move swiftly to his. “No … don’t say that.”

 

“It’s true, Rey. You … you have come to mean _everything_ to me. If you were to die, I know I would not survive it.” As soon as he says it he feels the weight of its truth. After years of loyalty he finds it is shockingly easy for him to turn his back on the Supreme Leader and the First Order. He hadn’t even thought of doing anything other than saving her, regardless of the cost to himself. He doesn’t know what will happen once they get to the Resistance. As long as Rey is safe, he will accept whatever consequences there are to himself.

 

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

 

“Simply accept it. I am tattered, broken, and stained, but I am yours.”

 

She blinks up at him and lifts her hand to his face, softly trailing her fingers along his cheek. He closes his eyes briefly and leans into her touch. She is worth any sacrifice.

 

“It’s time, Rey. I need to know where the Resistance is.”

 

“Right, of course. They’re on Quol.” Quol, good. It’s only a day away; she’ll make it that long without medical attention.

 

“I must go.”

 

Her eyes fill with fear for a moment before it’s replaced with resolve. She pulls her hand from his face and goes on her toes, kissing him lightly.

 

“Good luck,” she breathes against his lips.

 

Kylo withdraws gently from her mind.

 

He stands and removes his belt. He quickly finds the tracker buried within the leather. He does not destroy it, if he is very lucky no one will think to look for him until well into tomorrow morning, and when they do it will show him to be in his quarters. It may provide some additional time.

 

Before replacing his helmet and gloves, he leans over Rey and whispers softly in her ear, “Remember, I love you.” He feels a strong pulse from her. Good, she has heard him.

 

He readies himself to be Kylo Ren one last time. Whoever she is making him into, he knows he’s leaving something profound behind. Helmet and gloves in place, he gently lifts her from her bed. Her weight in his arms fills him with comfort; she’s so solid and _real_.

 

\---

 

The corridors are nearly empty, the night patrols light. He’s nearly to the hangar when Hux comes around the corner. General Hux has always had spectacular timing.

 

“Ren … what are you doing with your apprentice?”

 

“That is none of your concern.”

 

“This is highly irregular. It’s the middle of the night―where are you taking her?” the always immaculate general demands.

 

“I’ve been given a mission from the Supreme Leader. He wishes for me to bring her to him.”

 

“I was not informed of this,” Hux says suspiciously.

 

“I am informing you now.”

 

“I shall accompany you, confirm this with Supreme Leader.”

 

Kylo doesn’t want to do this, his hopes for an uneventful escape from the _Finalizer_ dashed.

 

“You will return to your quarters and remember nothing from this conversation,” Kylo instructs, the Force wrapping around his words.

 

“I will return to my … wait, oh no Ren, that won’t work on me. You will tell me _precisely_ what is going on, _right now_.”

 

Kylo glances around the corridor and confirms that they are alone. Quickly he lets Rey’s legs drop, holding her firmly about the waist so that she’s dangling like a rag doll from his arm. Hux’s eyes widen in alarm. With the now free hand Kylo quickly puts Hux into a deep Force sleep. Praying that no one comes by, he carefully lays Rey on the ground and lifts Hux with the Force and angles him into a small control room. Hux won’t wake for hours, but anyone could come across him. He must move quickly.

 

He returns to Rey and pulls her back into his arms. He can feel her energy beating and spiking, calling out to him, attempting to pull him in. “Rey, no, everything’s alright. We’re almost to the hangar; I will be with you soon.”

 

Kylo strides purposefully into the hangar with Rey clasped closely to him. He crosses to his ship. Several crew members look up, puzzled, but none approach him. He boards his shuttle and lays Rey along a bench―the very bench he’d laid her upon when he’d captured her on Takodana.

 

He goes to the cockpit and informs the bridge of his departure, keying in the coordinates for Quol.

 

“Destination, sir?” the officer queries.

 

“Classified mission from the Supreme Leader.”

 

“Have a safe trip, sir.”

 

He concentrates on maneuvering the shuttle out of the docking bay. They’re almost away when alarms start to blare furiously. The comm comes alive. “The ship is on lockdown, please land now, sir.”

 

The bay doors are beginning to close as Kylo pushes the thrusters to maximum and they barely make it through before the massive doors shut behind them. He raises the shields quickly.

 

“Sir, return at once!” blares through the comm.

 

He feels the ship lurch as a patrol of TIE fighters break off in pursuit, firing rapidly. They’re almost at safe distance to make the jump to hyperspace. Again the shuttle rocks as they take another hit, but the shields are holding. Kylo has always rather liked his shuttle, it would take far more than a few TIE fighters to bring it down.

 

There, they’ve made it. He slams on the hyperdrive and gasps as they enter the safety of the blue of light speed. They can’t be tracked until they next enter regular space.

 

He sets the autopilot and returns swiftly to Rey.

 

Kylo pulls his mask from his face and stills. Does he need this mask any longer? Will he ever wear it again?

 

He sits and pulls her head into his lap. “Rey … It’s safe.”

 

He finds himself in her mind once again. They’re on ‘Jakku’―he’s very surprised at this choice. He’s only just found his bearings when she’s wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his chest.

 

“Rey, Rey, it’s alright.”

 

“Being trapped like this, not really knowing what was going on, I _hate_ it. I hate being so helpless,” she says into his chest.

 

“I know you do. Soon, soon you will be better.”

 

“We’re en route to Quol?”

 

“Yes, we will be there in day.”

 

She pulls back and looks into his face. Fear flickers in her eyes. “This ship, they’ll fire on us immediately.”

 

“I know. My hope is that when I tell them you’re with me they’ll draw back. My shuttle can withstand quite a lot. X-wings are no match for an Upsilon shuttle.”

 

“You won’t return fire?” she asks.

 

“Only if I have to.”

 

“No! You can’t,” Rey exclaims.

 

“Rey, I may have no choice.”

 

“Please … please do your best not to hurt anyone.”

 

“I will, I promise.” He brings her closer, ghosting a kiss along her forehead. He keeps her tightly in his arms, reminding himself that she is safe. Snoke will never hurt her again.

 

After holding each other for a long time, she pulls from him and goes to sit on the crest of the dune they’ve been standing on. She’s looking out over a large valley. It’s twilight and there is a gentle breeze stirring the tendrils of hair around her face.

 

“Why Jakku? I thought you hate it here?” Kylo asks.

 

“I do … but it felt … safe.”

 

“It’s beautiful in its own way,” he says, looking out across the dips and crests of the dunes, the indigo of near-night leaving them in deep shadow.

 

“Yes, I suppose it is.”

 

He sits next to her, taking her hand in his.

 

“I can’t believe this has actually happened. Thank you. Thank you for saving me.”

 

“Oh Rey, there was never any question.”

 

“Still, it’s all a bit overwhelming. I’d been trying to get used to the idea of leaving you … and now, now I don’t have to.”

 

Kylo looks away.

 

“What is it?” she asks.

 

“Rey, we really don’t know what’s going to happen when we get there. I think … I think you’re being a bit naive about how I will be received.”

 

“And I think you don’t know what you’re talking about. The two months I spent with the Resistance, before I was captured, I was with Leia almost all of the time. She spoke of you frequently. She was heartbroken; she needed to make sense of it all.”

 

Kylo is silent. He’s been very careful to never consider what his actions on _Starkiller_ must have done to Leia Organa.

 

“She won’t let anything happen to you. She wants you back―she’s always wanted you back.”

 

“Then why didn’t she come for me!” he bursts out angrily.

 

“I don’t know; you’ll need to ask her that. But I know that all she ever said about you was that she knew she’d failed you, that she’d made horrible choices. She blames herself for Han’s death.”

 

“Why?” Kylo asks confusedly.

 

“She asked Han to find you; she set him on that course.”

 

“Oh no …” Kylo whispers to himself.

 

“You’ll see. It’s going to be alright.”

 

“Hmmm.” He decides not to argue with her. He wants to focus on the feel of her fingers twined with his.

 

They sit like that quietly, holding hands and looking out across the sands. Then Rey shifts and places herself between his long legs. Soon she’s resting with her back against his chest. He tightens his arms around her, pulling her as close as he can. She feels so small this way and he finds he likes being able to gather her to him like this. She’s protected in the shelter of his body. The lurking fear that has stalked him since she was first hurt is finally gone.

 

He has kept her safe. He wants to always keep her safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my truly spectacular friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. Even when her life is crazy busy, she always makes time for me. A better friend cannot be found.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing for continuing to help me find balance with my writing.
> 
> Thank you MissHarper, MeganD1, and Hannidae for alpha reading and holding my hand through this process.
> 
> Thank you readers! Every hit, kudo, and comment makes me smile. I am beyond grateful for the time you give my story.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What do you do when you've just escaped the evil clutches of Walmart? You get naked, that's what. Cinnabon makes her wishes known and Hot Topic fumbles along, managing not to mess up.

They sit with Rey leaning against his chest, gazing out over the dunes of ‘Jakku’. She looks up into his face and blinks slowly. Rey turns in his arms, threading her fingers through his hair. She pulls him down and kisses him gently. He kisses her back, gently at first, but soon he’s clasping her tightly, kissing her fiercely. He never wants to stop kissing her, feeling her hands on him. Her lips are so soft, so warm. And that she wants this, wants him … he never knew that he could be this … happy.

 

She slows their kisses and gives him one final caress before she looks into his eyes. Her lids are heavy and he realizes how late it is.

 

“It has been an extremely long day, we should sleep,” he says, disentangling his long body from hers.

 

“Stay,” she says as she stands with him.

 

“What?” She can’t mean what he thinks she does.

 

“I want to sleep with you next to me, in here _and_ out there. I want … I want to feel your arms around me―your actual arms around my real body.”

 

“I …” He cannot shake the feeling that he would be taking horrible advantage of her.

 

“Please?”

 

“Do you really want that, Rey?”

 

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want that.”

 

He looks out across the sands and thinks. She had ejected him from her mind the last time he’d pushed her to see that perhaps she shouldn’t want him this way. But maybe it’s he who isn’t seeing clearly. She can make so few choices for herself right now … and she _has_ been quite insistent that she truly wants him ... He knows he will always do whatever he can to provide her what she wants. And if what she wants is this, then she shall have it.

 

“Alright … I’ll get you situated and I’ll be back.”

 

She smiles and says, “Don’t be long.”

 

“I won’t”

 

He pulls from her mind and looks down at her peaceful face, her head still resting in his lap. He watches her chest rise and fall evenly, his eyes flitting over the planes of her face. He’s spent hours memorizing every freckle, every curve and swell, and yet he never grows tired of looking at her. Finally, he pulls her into his arms and simply holds her for a moment. For months he’d dreamt of this, of sleeping next to her, and now he will finally know what it’s like to have her pressed against him. He pushes away the doubt and feelings of unworthiness. She has _asked_ for this, she _wants_ this.

 

He lifts her and moves her to the small sleeping area. The berth is narrow, but they should both fit. He lays her down and removes his surcoat and boots. He pauses, this is a significant step to take and he wishes he could see her eyes, reassure himself that he’s not abusing his power over her. But she is still, as she always is. He takes a deep breath and crawls in next to her. He’s on his back and he pulls her to him, tucking her against his chest. Holding her like this, feeling the warmth of her body, the realness of her … she _fits_. She’s always fit, as if she’d been made to nestle in his heart and twine with his body. He leans forward and presses his cheek against her forehead. Her energy reaches for him and he’s back with her in her little Resistance room.

 

He finds her in a short nightgown with her hair down and his mouth goes dry at all the skin she’s displaying. He’s still in just his tunic and trousers, mirroring his attire in the real world.

 

“Rey! You … you … changed.”

 

“I hoped you might … like it,” Rey says shyly.

 

He swallows. “I … yes, I like it.” He likes it _very_ much and he’s already … responding.

 

She gently takes his hand and pulls him to the bed, where they stand facing each other. With his other hand, he slowly reaches up and pushes her hair from her face, looking deeply into her eyes. “I’ve always preferred your hair down.”

 

“I know; that’s why I undid my buns,” she says with a self-conscious smile.

 

“You’re _certain_ you want this?” Kylo _needs_ to ensure that he’s not forcing himself on her.

 

“I’m sure. I like how it feels to have you holding me. I’m looking forward to when I’m awake and I can hold you _back_.” She looks up at him and her eyes are filled with tenderness. Warmth spreads from his chest and he can’t quite believe this is happening.

 

Rey pulls the covers down and then places her hands on his shoulders, encouraging him to lie down. He climbs into the little bed and soon he’s on his back, watching her. Force, she’s beautiful. She holds his eyes as she slides in next to him. They face each other and he hesitantly puts his arm around her waist. It’s an odd, twin sensation. He’s aware of holding her to him in the berth on his shuttle, but it’s superseded by the feeling of being with her in her mind.

 

He strokes his fingers through her soft tresses and she tangles her legs with his. He’s very aware of her, of the intimacy of lying with her for the first time. He’s never been with a woman―kissing Rey is the most he has ever experienced. Kylo suddenly wonders if that’s what she wants and he’s thrilled and terribly nervous at the same time.

 

She kisses him then, slow and languid. He can feel her soft body pressed to him, her breasts against his chest. He pulls his hand from her hair and smoothes it along her body until it rests on her bare thigh. The feel of her silken skin against his fingers stokes his want. He kneads at the firm flesh and moves his mouth more urgently against hers. He knows she can feel how hard he is against her. She surprises him when she shifts them and he can suddenly feel the heat of her center against his trapped length. Everything slows as she grinds gently against him.

 

He strangles out a gasp and pulls back in panic. He’s still holding her, but he’s put a bit of space between them. “Rey … I ... I’ve never …” he trails off.

 

“Me neither.” Her eyes burn with _possibility_.

 

“Is that … is that what you want?”

 

“Soon. When I’m better. I want to be awake. Is that okay? I mean, do you want to …?” A bit of her boldness leaves her.

 

“Oh, I … I think you felt how much I want you. But I agree, when you’re awake. I still … I worry that when you wake you’ll regret this.”

 

“No, Kylo, no …” she soothes.

 

“But you must admit, this is hardly a conventional situation,” he says as he trails his fingers along her shoulder.

 

“I know, but … I’ve always felt … something,” Rey admits.

 

“You have?” He had been certain he had been alone.

 

“Yes. On _Starkiller_ I was terrified, angry. But when you took off your mask ... there was something ... recognition, maybe.”

 

“I’m so sorry for how I treated you. I had my mission … I had orders …” he says quietly.

 

“I know. I wish I knew then what I know now, that I could reach you. The _real_ you, not what you’ve pretended to be.” She strokes his face lightly, making him shiver. She pulls him back, flush against her, wrapping her leg over his.

 

He’s having trouble thinking clearly but he must correct her assumption about him. “I wasn’t pretending Rey. That _is_ who I am, too. Don’t romanticize me. If you want this, want me, you have to understand that I am capable of great violence and have done many, many awful things in service of my m- of Snoke,” Kylo says regretfully.

 

She looks away. They’re still pressed close, though; she hasn’t pulled from him.

 

“I know ... I _do_ know. I just … I mean, will you still? Now that you’ve left _him_ , will you still be that man?” She runs her hand along his chest.

 

“I don’t know, Rey. Everything has changed. I’m not really sure who I am any longer. I hope that you will want to be with me as I find that out, but I understand if it’s too much for you.” He’s sure she will think better of this after she’s awake.

 

“I wish you wouldn’t do that,” she says with a small frown.

 

“Do what?”

 

“You constantly try and give me a way out―it’s almost like you _want_ me to reject you.” She toys with the fabric of his tunic.

 

“I … I simply find it difficult to believe that you can look at me and see anything of value.”

 

“Well, I do,” she says a bit shortly.

 

“Thank you,” he says softly. He’s fairly certain that he should leave her once she’s with the Resistance, that nothing good can come of him in her life. But he knows that if she wants him, he’ll stay. If the Resistance will allow it, of course.

 

Her eyes are bright and she feels _so right_ in his arms. He leans forward and catches her lips with his, beginning to kiss her again. Soon they’re lost to their passion. He’s cataloguing the sounds that she makes when he kisses along her throat, the way she gasps and writhes when he breathes into the shell of her ear. She pulls his hand to her firm, small breast and now he’s entirely focused on the feeling of the soft flesh against his fingers. He’s never felt _anything_ as glorious as the weight of it in his palm. He strokes his thumb along her nipple and feels it tighten.

 

“Oh!” she exclaims.

 

“You like that?”

 

“Oh yes, keep doing that, please.” He continues to draw the firm point between his fingers and she reaches down and pulls up her nightgown, encouraging him to feel her bare skin. He’s trembling as he sees her beautiful breasts exposed to him for the first time. He’s not sure he’s ever seen anything so perfect in his entire life. She continues to struggle with her nightgown, sitting up in order to remove it. Finally she’s pulled it completely off, only a scrap of fabric left between her and total nakedness. He wants to press his lips to every inch of her skin. He sits up with her, and they’re facing each other.

 

“Rey … I thought … I thought you wanted to wait …”

 

“Not for everything,” she says knowingly. The heat in her eyes goes straight to his core. She’s pulling his tunic from his body before he really thinks about what that means. He hasn’t hidden his scars! He’s panicking but she’s drawing her fingers along the ropy flesh. “Shhhh. It’s alright.”

 

“No, they’re hideous. You shouldn’t have to look at them.” He tries to take back his clothing but she pulls it out of his reach. He huffs in frustration.

 

“They aren’t hideous, and I _will_ look at them. They are a part of you.” He sits there, his jaw tight and his expression stony. She draws up on her knees and moves her fingers along the mottled pattern splashed across his chest where he had been tortured. Her small hands touch each point and then she’s _kissing_ them. His eyes close involuntarily and he feels tears sting his eyes. He cannot bear this open acceptance.

 

She moves around to his back and continues to caress the slashes and burns.

 

“You are beautiful to me,” she murmurs, her lips against his destroyed flesh.

 

“Beautiful?” he asks incredulously. They’re grotesque. _He’s_ grotesque.

 

“Yes, beautiful. You’re so strong and compelling. These scars, they just speak of that strength. They are nothing to be ashamed of.”

 

Soon she has kissed every single mark and she’s lulling him back. Her touch is reaching somewhere deep and hidden. He wonders if what she’s said could be true. Does she truly not find them repulsive? At first he would stare at his scars until they were seared into his memory, trying to make sense of everything that had happened. But now he avoids looking at them, never glancing in the mirror as he dresses each day. She keeps stroking her fingers across his flesh, healing trailing in their wake. She’s pushing back the shame, she’s making him _believe_. He hopes … he hopes he will be able to stay with her once they reach the Resistance.

 

She’s moved back to face him and she’s wrapping her arms around his neck. Kylo gasps as he feels the heat of their naked skin pressed together. He pulls her to him, wanting as much of this blissful contact as he can get, wanting to feel _all_ of her. He wonders what it will be like outside of her mind. Rey looks into his eyes and he _needs_ to kiss her again. He captures her lips and kisses her deeply. Her tongue slips into his mouth and he groans as the sensation washes throughout his entire body. His scars are forgotten―all that matters is Rey, Rey, _Rey_.

 

Maker, he _wants_ her. He pushes her onto her back and begins to suck and kiss along her neck. He finds the delicate spot of skin where her neck meets her shoulder and places a hot, opened mouth kiss there, then nibbles gently. She moans and arches up against him. He wonders if she’ll let him … and before he can finish the thought he’s trailing down her body and pulling her plump pink nipple into his mouth and rolling it with his tongue. He’s fascinated with how the flesh hardens and crinkles between his lips. He can’t get enough of the feeling of suckling against her and he stays at her breast for an age. She’s gasping and almost crying out as she encourages him to feast on the other, ignored point. He shifts and takes her other nipple into his mouth―it’s already hard, desperate for his attention.

 

His cock is straining against his trousers, but he will ignore it. He doesn’t know how far she wants to take this.

 

She’s pulling him up her body in order to kiss him. She wraps her legs around his waist and pulls him flush against her, his cock now nestled in the cradle of her hips. Rey tightens her legs around him and rubs herself along his length. He _groans_ as he finds himself thrusting back against her. She shifts and breathes into his ear, “Touch me …”

 

He pulls back to look in her eyes. “You mean …”

 

“Yes, Kylo, touch me there. I _need_ you.”

 

Oh, Maker, he needs her, too, but he has no real idea how to give her what she’s asked. “I … I don’t know what to do,” he admits. His cheeks flame in embarrassment. He doesn’t want to disappoint her. He suddenly feels very clumsy and foolish.

 

“I’ll show you.”

 

He swallows and nods slightly. He shifts to the side and she’s taking his hand and thrusting it down, down, down under the scrap of cloth. He looks into her eyes as she places his fingers at her wet opening, pressing them into her. Her eyes widen and he’s enraptured, his embarrassment gone in an instant. She’s so hot and slick and he can easily imagine how amazing she would … will feel around him. His cock twitches, hard, at the thought.

 

He gently pulses his fingers in and out of her, noting her texture and how her walls flutter against his hand. Then she pulls his hand up slightly and presses his fingers against a hard nub of flesh. He looks down because he’s not sure what he’s feeling, he wants to see what he’s doing. But his vision is obscured by the thin fabric still covering her. She’s encouraging him to move his fingers in circles against what seems to be a tight bundle of nerves.

 

He hears her breath quicken so he looks back up; he’s transported by what he finds. Her cheeks are flushed and her lips are parted; her eyes are dark with passion and he’s never seen anything so exquisite as Rey lost to her pleasure. Lost to what _he’s_ doing to her. He speeds up a little and she gasps and rolls her hips. She withdraws her own hand and fists the sheets as she arches off the bed. He continues to rub against this magical spot and she’s breathing fast. He never wants to stop touching her like this, knowing what it’s doing to her.

 

“Oh, Kylo, yes, just like that. Don’t stop, don’t stop!” she begs. He continues just as she’s bidden, keeping a steady rhythm. Now her eyes are closed tightly and she’s moaning in time with his touch, each pass of his fingers pulling a more desperate sound from her throat. He’d never known what it was like for women and he wonders if it feels the same as when he takes himself in hand. He doesn’t think so; nothing has ever made him react the way that she’s reacting to his ministrations.

 

Suddenly she throws her head back and she’s growing very loud, chanting his name. Beneath his fingers she becomes even harder and her eyes fly open. She pulls his face to hers and kisses him deeply as her hips buck wildly and she keens into his mouth. He’s not sure if he should keep going when she says, “Stop, too sensitive.” He pulls his hand from her and his fingers are coated in her essence. He wonders what she _tastes_ like.

 

She’s breathing hard and looking into his eyes. Her pupils are wide and she’s looking at him in wonder. After she’s caught her breath she turns on her side and says, “Now you.”

 

“You want … you want to touch me?” The thought of her touching him _there_ is both exciting and terrifying.

 

“Of course I do. You’ll have to teach me, too. And I know how much you like to teach me,” she says flirtatiously. She’s undoing his trousers and pushing them down. Before he’s caught up, she’s slipping her hand around his aching erection.

 

“Show me. Show me what you like Kylo.” This is all so very … personal, and he’s feeling nervous again, but the feel of her small hand around him is pushing back his trepidation. Hesitantly, he puts his hand over hers and they’re stroking along him in tandem. This isn’t _anything_ like how it feels when he’s done it himself. Her hand is more delicate, her touch full of want, for _him_. She’s grasping him firmly, moving with confidence now, so he removes his own hand. It feels _incredible_. Each time she pushes down, he finds himself gasping. This is _much_ more intense than when he’s alone, a perfunctory seeing to of a biological need. But this, this is _sharing,_ and he’s getting lost in the sensation.

 

“I love how you feel in my hand,” she whispers in his ear and her breathy pronouncement has jolted him forward.

 

He grows even harder and she gasps, “You’re going to feel so good inside me.”

 

He’s not sure if it’s her words or her hand moving along him that is pushing him higher. The pleasure is building in him, heat curling in his belly.

 

He’s groaning and surprised by the sound of his need. She’s speeding up in her excitement.

 

“No, slower. Please.”

 

She responds immediately, stroking him in long, firm movements and he’s so close. He feels his balls tighten and he’s almost there. He’s started to whimper at the exquisite tension she’s building in him. There, that’s it—he’s shouting out as he comes, hard. She keeps stroking him as his release is pulled from him in great bursts. He didn’t know it could _feel_ like that.

 

She grows a bit hesitant and asks, “Should I stop now?”

 

He nods his head quickly―he doesn’t think he can speak. He’s suddenly embarrassed by the evidence of his desire cooling on his belly. But she’s already cleaning him up with a cloth before he can properly form the thought. She’s grinning at him, her eyes sparkling.

 

“I’ve always wondered what it was like for men.”

 

“I … I’ve always wondered what it was like for women. I didn’t know … I don’t really know anything,” he admits sheepishly.

 

Kylo pulls her into his arms, her head resting on his chest. She’s snuggling into him and he’s never known such a feeling of closeness before. Something about sharing their bodies in this way has broken down a wall between them, one he hadn’t even known was there. He feels like he can speak more freely, that now that she’s seen him like this he can trust her with more of himself.

 

“You don’t need to answer, but … you are a bit older than me …” she says quietly.

 

“More than a bit―I’m 10 years older than you.” She looks a little startled at that.

 

“So … why … why haven’t you _been_ with anyone?”

 

“It was forbidden for the Jedi. No attachments. Well, it was fine to be intimate, but not to love. I didn’t want that. I decided it was better to ignore the subject entirely.”

 

“But what about … after?”

 

“I didn’t want anyone to see … me, and besides, I was very focused on serving Snoke. It truly never came up.”

 

“Oh, I’m sure that’s not true. No coy officers ever caught your eye?” she teases.

 

“No, Rey. No one but you,” he says seriously.

 

“And why me?”

 

“I’m not sure; I just know that everything changed when I saw you in the forest.”

 

“What changed?”

 

“You … you shifted everything about. I’d never experienced _anything_ like what I felt when I saw you. You were so _strong_ , such a burning, bright thing. The way you didn’t even hesitate, just aimed that blaster and fired … you were _ferocious_. For the first time, perhaps in my entire life, I found I wanted something just for myself. I have always served, always. But … then you were there and I was making mistakes, acting irrationally. It took me such a long time to accept what I feel for you.” Kylo skims his fingers along her arm.

 

“When, when did you first … know?”

 

“Well, I didn’t use the right words until I first found you in your mind. But I knew … I knew on _Starkiller_.”

 

She looks up at him, surprised. “But you barely knew me―I was just a prisoner.”

 

“No, you were always more than that. Trust me, Rey. You were never just _anything_. I shouldn’t have taken you that day; I should have brought down more stormtroopers and found that droid. But instead I took you because … because I needed you with me. I could tell myself that it was because of that map, but that never had anything to do with it, not really. It was an excuse. I didn’t think any of it through, I just acted. I am sorry for invading your mind like that. I never should have treated you like that. There are _so_ many things I never should have done,” he finishes sadly.

 

“Well … it’s done. You’re doing the right thing now.”

 

“You are very forgiving.”

 

“What choice do I have? If I hold on to that, well, I think I’d go mad with the conflict. So I’ve chosen to forgive you and have you instead of stay hurt and angry and let you go.”

 

He gathers her as close as he can at that. He truly did not know that such compassion and grace could exist and that Rey has chosen to give it to _him_ is beyond his understanding. He kisses her temple and leaves his lips against her skin as he lets himself bask in Rey. Finally he whispers, “Thank you …” into her hair.

 

They hold each other for a long time and he’s feeling safe and open. Perhaps it would be alright to ask her …

 

“When … when did you know that you care for me?” he asks cautiously, trying to catch her eyes.

 

Rey looks down at her hand splayed along his chest. “I didn’t admit it to myself for a long time either.”

 

“When, Rey? Please tell me.”

 

“I’ve already told you I felt something on _Starkiller_. It became … _more_ that first day we trained properly. Maybe even before that, but …”

 

“Yes?”

 

“When you left me alone for days, I was _hurt_. I thought you cared, too. Then you just abandoned me and I felt so _foolish_.” Her tone is full of pain and it makes his heart ache. Will he ever stop causing her to suffer?

 

“I will always bitterly regret doing that to you.”

 

“I know,” Rey says softly.

 

“If you felt something then, why did you say that you couldn’t return my feelings?” he asks in confusion.

 

“Because I was lying to both of us. You had just hurt me tremendously.”

 

“Yes, I see.” That he hadn’t killed her nascent feelings for him amazes him.

 

She’s quiet for a long time, running her hand through his fine chest hair. “That’s what I was hiding from Snoke.”

 

“ _What_?” he exclaims. She fought so hard, is in this state because of … him?

 

“That’s what he sensed, why he pressed so hard.”

 

“But, why did you fight to protect that?”

 

“I was afraid, afraid of what he might do to you if he found out. I knew you had feelings for me and I was terrified if he found out that we had feelings for _each other,_ he would take me from you and punish you … I just couldn’t let that monster have that part of me. I just couldn’t. It was too precious.”

 

“Oh, Rey …”

 

“I know.”

 

He runs his fingers through her hair. How can he ever be _enough_ for this incomparable woman? Her mind is broken because she thought him worth protecting. He can’t even begin to process this. It’s too much and he knows he deserves none of it.

 

“We really should sleep,” Kylo says, hoping to quiet the turmoil in his heart and soul.

 

“Yes, you’re right. You’ll stay, here with me in my mind?”

 

“I’ll try; I truly don’t know what will happen when I fall asleep. But, I promise if I wake up outside, I’ll come right back."

  
“Good.” She smiles up at him and nestles closer. Soon her eyes are drifting shut and sleep takes her. He watches her for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the ever wonderful Meaghan M/Juulna for being the Best Beta in the Beta Biz and for continuing to work on my stuff while incredibly busy. She's the cat's meow.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is husbanding like a champ right now.
> 
> Thank you to the tremendous MissHarper, Hannidae, and MeganD1 for being a rockin' group of alpha readers.
> 
> Thank you readers, I am so grateful for the time you give my story.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They arrive at the Resistance! Hot Dog on a Stick wants to shoot him down, but cooler heads prevail. Then Hot Topic faces his mother.

He wakes up still in her mind, wrapped around her, their naked skin pressed together. He smiles and wonders if there is any way for him to actually stay with her.

She stirs and opens her eyes slowly. They fill with warmth at seeing him still with her.

“Good morning,” she says sleepily.

“Good morning, Rey.”

“I’m so glad you’re still here.”

“I would have come back immediately if I hadn’t been.”

“I know,” she says as she smiles at him.

Kylo tightens his arms, pulling her closer. She sighs contentedly and trails her fingers along his chest. He simply enjoys the feeling of having her in his arms, committing the sensation to memory. He doesn’t know what will happen later today and this may be the first and last morning he will wake with her. He swallows, trying to dispel the dread that travels along his spine. 

Much as he wants to never move from her circle of warmth, there are things he must attend to. “I should go and check on the systems. I’ll need to spend some time disabling the tracking device. The last thing we need is the First Order coming down on the Resistance right after we arrive.”

Her eyes widen in fear and she says, “I hadn’t thought of that.”

“I’ll be back soon. I know you must be hungry, but there’s no way for me to feed you on the shuttle.”

“I’m fine. After Jakku I can go for days without food. Water, however ... that would be a problem if we weren’t going to be at the Resistance soon.”

Soon. He’ll be facing …  _ her  _ soon. He looks away, years of hurt tumbling through him.

“What is it?”

“I’m … concerned about seeing Leia Organa.”

“Your mother, she’s your mother.”

“I haven’t thought of her like that in a long time ... I’ve tried not to at any rate.”

“You’ll see, Kylo. You’ll see.”

“Yes, well, it will be what it will be. I’ll be back as soon as I’m able.”

He untangles himself from her and is mildly uncomfortable at his nakedness. Out of habit he pulls on his clothing, though he supposes he would likely find himself clothed again when he returns to her. He’s still dressed back on the shuttle. She stays in the bed, the blankets covering her.

Once he’s ready, he bends over and cups her cheek with his large hand and tips her face up and catches her lips with his. Kissing her … it means so much to him. He treasures each whisper of their mouths together.

Kylo pulls back slightly and looks into her eyes, still holding her face. Force, he loves her. He’s only been able to tell her while looking away from her, he’s not really sure why. The words are wholly inadequate anyway. How could he ever convey the depth of his devotion? But after last night he wants to make sure she understands who she is to him, even if only barely. “I … I love you.”

Her face fills with happiness and she says, “I know.”

He finds himself back in the berth on his shuttle, Rey clasped close to his chest. He buries his face in her hair and inhales deeply. If only he could suspend time, stay like this forever. But he cannot. Instead, he pulls himself from her for a second time and begins his work. 

\---

Once Kylo has ensured that they can’t be tracked and everything is sound with the shuttle, he returns to Rey. They spend the rest of day wandering through the forests of ‘D’Qar’ and by the lakes of ‘Takodana’. It is a blissful day of touching and exploring. He manages to actually teach her how to swim and she opens up a bit more about her life on Jakku. In the back of his mind, however, he’s incredibly apprehensive about what’s going to happen when they reach Quol. 

\---

It’s time. They’ve arrived. She’s peacefully lying in the berth and he prepares himself for what might prove to be a  _ very  _ difficult landing. He reminds himself of her request that he attempt to avoid casualties.

They’ve just come out of hyperspace and he quickly raises the shields. The shuttle is immediately rocked by fire as they’re surrounded by a squad of X-wings.

“Hold your fire, I have Rey on board, I am not your enemy,” he broadcasts on all frequencies.

“You’re lying―I recognize that shuttle,  _ Kylo Ren _ ,” comes crackling through the speaker. Kylo knows that voice but can’t place it.

“No, I  _ do  _ have Rey. She’s been hurt―she’s catatonic and she cannot speak.”

“Wait, Black Leader, we can’t take the chance. Please,  _ please _ let them land,” another voice joins the fray.

“Finn, this is Kylo Ren we’re talking about―it must be a trap,” the first voice known as Black Leader argues.

“It is  _ not _ a trap, I am sincere. Things have … changed. Rey needs help. Please … please let us land,” Kylo finds himself pleading.

“Poe, we have to―we have to find out. It’s Rey … you know … anyway, you  _ know _ .” Kylo does not like the familiarity he hears in  _ Finn’s  _ voice. Poe … Poe Dameron. The captured pilot who helped FN-2187,  _ Finn  _ escape. He will be facing many of his sins, it would seem.

“Let us land; you will see that everything I’ve said is true. If I’m lying you can kill me soon enough,” Kylo reasons.

There is a long pause as Dameron considers his options.

“Fine, we’ll escort you down. I’m radioing the base to meet you with everyone―and I mean  _ everyone _ . You will be surrounded with hundreds of blasters pointed at your head. You won’t be able to stop all of the shots before they get to you, you son of a bitch,” Dameron says, his tone full of anger.

“That is more than acceptable. I warn you, however, I will be carrying Rey,” Kylo says.

“No―you send her out first,” Dameron demands.

“I  _ told  _ you, she’s catatonic; she cannot move under her own power,” Kylo says, not able to hide his frustration.

“Convenient,” Dameron sneers.

“And yet, it is true,” Kylo rejoins.

\---

Kylo lands his shuttle with his ‘escort’ of X-wings. He goes to Rey and pulls her into his arms.

“Rey, we’re here, everything is going well. No one was hurt; they believed me, tentatively.”

He feels an answering pulse and he knows she’s heard him.

“Here we go. Remember … no matter what happens, remember …”

He walks down the ramp, holding Rey carefully. He’s left his saber in the shuttle, not wanting to provoke them. Rey is so certain that he won’t be killed on sight, but he’s very concerned that someone will act rashly and that Rey will be caught in the crossfire.

Kylo finds that they are surrounded by what does, in fact, appear to be the entire base. Poe Dameron had not been exaggerating.

He reaches the end of the ramp and stands, waiting. There is a commotion and he sees Dameron struggling with  _ Finn _ , holding him back. He cannot make out what they’re saying.Then, the sea of personnel parts and he sees  _ her _ . Leia Organa. She looks  _ diminished _ . Her face is marred with sorrow and her shoulders seem more stooped, the weight of all he has done pulling her down. The feelings surging through him are almost too much. The little boy within him wants to beg her forgiveness, but the man she betrayed wants to scream at her in accusation.

Leia walks towards him slowly. He can’t read her face; it’s like stone. Unbidden, a memory of her bright smile and warm arms comes for him. He pushes it away swiftly, that boy, the boy who yearned … yearns for his mother should be long dead. 

“Ben,” she says. 

He flinches. “That has not been my name since your actions took it from me.”

Leia nods but says nothing. “Is the First Order right behind you, do I need to evacuate the base?”

“No. I, rather  _ we _ , came alone.” He shifts Rey in his arms, needing to hold her closer.

Leia looks at Rey and her expression softens. “What happened to her?” she asks.

“Supreme Leader Snoke broke her mind. She’s in there, I can speak with her. She told me where to find you, but she can’t wake up.”

“You  _ let  _ him do that to her?” Leia says with reproach.

He stands there, stricken. He did. He  _ did  _ let this happen to her. He wishes he had seen, understood sooner. But he didn’t and now all he can do is throw himself on  _ Leia Organa’s _ mercy. “I … I … yes. I bitterly regret it,” he says in shame.

“Why― _ why  _ do you regret it?” Leia’s eyes are keen.

Kylo freezes. He’d not thought, not for one moment, of having to reveal his feelings for Rey to … her. He doesn’t know what to do, what to say. He doesn’t want to speak of such sacred things out in the open, so exposed. But he’s determined to stay with Rey.

“She is very important to me,” he finally admits.

“In what way?” Leia presses. 

“I … care for her.”

“And yet you let this happen to her.”

“I was wrong; I should have brought her to you the minute she was captured.”

Leia blinks. He thinks his easy capitulation has confused her. She watches Kylo for a long moment then asks, “Why are you here? Surely the First Order has far superior medical facilities.”

“Snoke demanded that I kill her ... I could not allow that to happen.”

“So after all of this time, after your  _ father _ , you finally understand what Snoke is?” Leia’s true feelings show through in that moment. There is pain, fury, hope, and, impossibly, love in her eyes. But it’s gone in an instant.

“I’m not going to talk about that. I am here for one reason, and one reason only: Rey.”

“Rey …” Leia looks down on Rey again and her eyes grow warm. “I feared I would never see her again.” Leia motions then and a team of medical professionals approach. They move to take Rey from him and he steps back, clutching her to his chest.

“I must stay with her,” he says fervently.

“We will care for her,” Leia says, holding her hand out in entreaty.

“No, I  _ must  _ stay with her,” he repeats. He takes another step back. He won’t let them take her from him.

“That’s not possible,” Leia says warningly.

“Listen, I’m the only one she can communicate with―I’m able to join her in her consciousness. You can’t leave her alone like that.” He feels Rey wildly pulling at him. 

He leans down and whispers in her ear, “I know, I know, not yet.”

“What was that?” Leia asks in confusion.

“She’s trying to pull me into her mind. She wants to say something.”

“Why should I believe you?” Leia’s eyes narrow in suspicion.

“Let me come with her and we will prove it to you. You can ask her things that only she would know and I will tell you the answers.”

“This is all very strange. You arrive on a First Order shuttle with Rey,  _ months  _ after her capture. You expect me to believe that somehow she can communicate with you when she looks like she’s completely unresponsive. After everything you’ve done … I just don’t know, Ben.” Leia shakes her head.

“Please, please don’t part us. Please ….” He ignores the pain the use of his birth name causes him. He’d almost called her ‘Mother’ in his desperation.

Leia looks at him searchingly, her mouth a grim line. 

“Please,” Kylo pleads again.

“Alright. But if it is not  _ exactly  _ as you say, you’re going in a cell  _ immediately _ ,” Leia promises.

“Thank you,” Kylo breathes out as he holds Rey to him tightly.

\---

Rey is in a sterile, cold room in the Resistance med bay. She is hooked up to machines, finally providing her with nutrients and fluids. Kylo sits next to her, her hand in his. Leia stands at the door, watching. There are countless Resistance soldiers standing guard outside. 

Finally, Kylo breaks the silence. “I’m going to check on her, I’ll be back soon. Then we may proceed with the … questioning.” He’s grateful that he remains aware enough of his body that the Resistance won’t be able to part them while he’s with her.

“Carry on then,” Leia says.

He places his forehead against hers and she pulls him in so fast he’s gasping when he arrives in her small Resistance room. She’s already in his arms. They say nothing for a long moment, simply holding each other.

“Are you alright?” she finally asks.

“Yes; they’ve done nothing to me.”

“That’s not what I mean. I mean … your mother.”

“I’m fine.”

“Kylo …”

“Now is not the time for that. We must focus on proving to her that the situation is as I’ve said it is. I just … I needed to make sure you were alright first.”

“Thank you,” she says softly as she draws his face towards hers, kissing him so sweetly. 

He lets himself return her kiss, but doesn’t allow it to spiral into passion. He pulls back and says, “Much as I would prefer to simply stay right here, kissing you, Leia Organa is waiting.”

“Your mother. She’s your mother.”

“I know she is. It’s too soon; please don’t press me.”

“Alright, alright.”

“I’ll be right back.”

He gently draws from her mind and finds Leia Organa  watching him intently.

“You were really in her mind?” she asks.

“Yes, she just can’t wake up.”

“Has anyone else  _ tried _ ?”

“No, I … I hid her change in condition from everyone.”

“So you don’t  _ know  _ that only you can communicate with her.”

Leia Organa always did find the stone unturned.

“I … I am honestly not sure.”

“May I try?”

Kylo doesn’t know why he doesn’t like the idea of someone else in Rey’s mind, but it bothers him. This connection, it is intimate, it is …  _ theirs _ . But he knows it would be foolish to deny her, so he draws back, gesturing for Leia to take his place by Rey’s bed.

Leia sits next to Rey and holds her hand.

“Rey, sweetheart? I’m so happy that you’re back with us. I’ve been terrified for you. Will you try and pull me into your mind like you do with Ben?” Kylo wishes she would stop using that  _ name _ .

Leia stares at Rey, as if she’s willing something, anything, to happen. After quite some time she sighs in frustration.

“I can  _ feel  _ her, but nothing is happening,” Leia says.

“I suspect it is because I’ve been in her mind before―before  _ this _ happened.”

“What? Why?” Leia’s eyes focus on him in condemnation and he knows he deserves it.

“I … when she was a prisoner on  _ Starkiller  _ I interrogated her.”

“Like you did with Poe Dameron?” Leia accuses.

“No! Not like that … I was gentle, I promise.” How he wishes he had simply taken her and ran that very day. Rey has said that she’s forgiven him, but how could she possibly?

Leia regards him and he has the unsettling feeling that she can see every single one of his transgressions. “What happened to you, Ben?“ 

“No. I will not speak of that, not now, and not to  _ you _ .” Kylo’s voice drips with venom. He doesn’t want to talk about any of that. He just wants to return to Rey, find a way to bring her  _ back _ .

“You are going to have to explain yourself sooner rather than later if I’m going to have any chance at all of convincing the other leaders to allow you to stay with her.”

That Leia is willing to advocate for him is a hopeful sign. He resigns himself to having to speak with her. 

“Fine, once you have been satisfied that Rey is really in there, you and I will talk,” he grudgingly concedes. He’s surprised at how he truly is willing to do  _ anything  _ to stay with Rey.

“I do want to believe you, Ben, I truly do. But I must confirm it.”

“Please do not use that name!” He’s horrified by how his voice cracks.

“I won’t call you by that other ... title.”

“Then do not call me anything at all,” he says icily.

Leia sighs heavily. “Alright. Let’s get on with this. Rey, please tell … please tell  _ him  _ about the day you were captured. Tell him how it happened.” She pauses before adding, “And tell him what I gave you soon after we met.” A shadow passes over Leia’s face.

Leia stands and moves away from Rey’s bedside, allowing Kylo to again take his place next to her. He places his hand on her lovely face, he feels his eyes soften and fill with all that she means to him.

“Rey,” he whispers. Again he is with her. They’re on ‘D’Qar’ in a clearing. The sun is high and she’s kept her hair down. He smiles.

“I tried to bring her here; it would be so much easier if I could just talk with her myself.”

“True … but … this place, it is …” he trails off. He’s not sure how to explain what he means.

“Ours.” She smiles up at him.

“Yes.”

“Alright, the day I was captured on Shenden. I was with Leia, the First Order forces breached the perimeter. We were having trouble making it to the hangar, there were so many stormtroopers. We were running, but our way was blocked; it had been bombed out. There were six of us. We turned back, but there were a dozen stormtroopers in our way. Poe―I guess you know Poe …”

“Yes …”

“You hurt him?”

“I will tell you anything you wish to know, but not now.”

“Right. Poe, he dragged Leia to the ship. She didn’t want to leave us, she didn’t want us to sacrifice ourselves, but she was too important. While the rest of us rushed the stormtroopers, Poe picked her up and carried her. The last thing I heard her say was that she would have his wings for this.” Rey smiles and continues, “We were outnumbered, outgunned. Only I and one other made it. We were captured. I don’t know what happened to him,” she finishes sadly.

“And the item she gave you?”

Rey’s eyes flash with hurt and he’s confused. He can’t imagine his m- _ Leia Organa _ giving Rey anything that would upset her.

Rey reaches out and takes his hand. The way she’s looking at him makes him apprehensive. What could it be?

“She gave me a dress, a lovely white dress … for your father’s memorial service.”

The breath leaves his lungs and his head is filled with the rushing sound of his own blood in his veins. Somehow those words, they’re so  _ final _ . He’s struck by the absurd realization that he feels  _ guilty  _ that he was not at his father’s service. The absolute perversion of what he’s done threatens to overtake him. But he can’t lose himself just now.

He feels her squeeze his hand and he knows that he must face this, face … his mother. For Rey. 

Kylo breathes in sharply. “I will return to her now, tell her what you have told me.”

“Kylo …”

“I will return to her now,” he repeats, his tone strangled. If she’s gentle with him, he’ll crack wide open.

“Okay. Okay … do you think they’ll let us stay together?” she asks fearfully.

“I’m not sure. I hope so.” And with that quiet hope he’s overwhelmed. There’s too much. He  _ can’t  _ lose Rey, the only thing he has left, the only thing he’s ever had, the only thing that’s  _ ever  _ made life worth living since everything became so distorted. 

He’s unmoored, rudderless. He takes her face in his hands firmly, almost roughly and kisses her, deeply. He plunges his tongue between her lips, he takes every single scrap that she will give him. He’s an open chasm of need, a black hole of hurt. And for that one moment he doesn’t care that he’s wretched because she’s meeting him there on the precipice and somehow, somehow she’s beating it back with her hands and her lips and her beautiful, incomparable soul. 

She kisses him, he kisses her, it doesn’t matter. It goes on and on until he finally remembers why he is here with Rey, this moment, in her mind. He shudders a breath as he pulls back from her.

“She’s waiting,” Kylo says.

“I know.” She reaches up and pushes his hair behind his ear. He presses a kiss to her wrist.

She pulls him close and holds him tight. He allows himself to be held and soon he’s feeling centered and nearly whole. Certainly more whole than he has any right to feel.

“It’s time,” he whispers.

“Yes.”

He looks into her eyes as he returns to Leia Organa.

He sits up and finds her sitting on the other side of Rey’s bed, another chair having been brought in. Leia looks at him expectantly.

Kylo gazes at Rey’s beloved face. Eventually he says, “She said Poe Dameron saved you while she and the others distracted the stormtroopers.”

“Yes, that’s true. And the item?”

“You gave her a white dress.” He does not elaborate. 

“And did she tell you what it was  _ for _ ?” Leia’s voice is tinged with rage.

Kylo gathers all of his courage as he looks his mother square in the eyes and says, “Yes.”

Leia closes her eyes and breathes in several breaths. When she opens them, her brown eyes are controlled again. “It would seem you  _ have _ been telling the truth. I will do what I can. But first, you and I  _ will  _ talk. Do you wish to go somewhere private?”

“No, I keep no secrets from Rey.”

“You really do care for her, don’t you?” Leia’s head is cocked to the side.

“I more than simply care for her. I would die for her, kill for her.”

“From what I’ve heard, killing has not been very difficult for you,” she says bitterly.

“You know  _ nothing  _ about me.”

“Then  _ tell  _ me―tell me what happened to you. All I’ve ever known was that when the news about Darth Vader broke, the people of Lenn turned on you and that you joined Snoke. Please tell me.” He sees the face of his mother break through, years of fear and worry running through her words.

He sits back and prepares himself to revisit that time again. It’s easier to speak of it now, after telling Rey. “They took me prisoner … tortured me.”

Leia gasps and she opens her mouth to speak but he rushes on, looking away.

“They had me for days … I’m not going to tell you about what they did to me. Suffice it to say that it was brutal and extreme. Then something happened―I still don’t know what it was. But I welled with the dark and when I became aware again there were bodies  _ everywhere _ . It was horrific; I didn’t know one person could  _ do  _ such a thing.” He closes his eyes briefly, remembering Rey taking his hands in hers, soothing him. He strokes his thumb along the back of her hand, wishing she could respond. 

“Oh, Son,” Leia says. He glances at her and finds her eyes glistening with tears. 

“I was so scared, Mo- … I was so scared,” he whispers.

Leia reaches across Rey and attempts to take his other hand but he snatches it away. “No. Do not try to comfort me; it is far too late for that.”

Leia’s hand hovers near his but then she pulls it back to her lap. “Alright, alright. What happened then?”

“I ran to the Academy and … Luke rejected me. I went to him for help and he told me I was no longer Jedi. He banished me. He said … he said I was  _ innately  _ dark, that I could never be clean …” Kylo looks at the ceiling, remembering the  _ hatred _ in Luke’s eyes. His gaze returns to Leia, waiting to see the agreement bloom on her face.

Instead, Leia’s eyes fill with anguish and a tear slips down her cheek. “Oh Luke … I never would have thought he could do such a thing, not until recently.”

“What do you mean?”

She wipes her face and takes a deep breath. “We spoke briefly before he disappeared again. He didn’t tell me what he did to you, but he did finally tell me that he’s the one who destroyed the Academy.”

Kylo nods. It’s the only explanation that ever made sense to him. “I’ve always wondered if it was him. Why did he do it?”

“He told me that after you joined Snoke he knew it was only a matter of time until you’d come for the Academy, that he knew he’d failed. He said that the only way to protect the galaxy from the dark side was to no longer attempt to wield the Force. He was certain that if he continued to train Force sensitives they would all fall, so he hid them throughout the systems, changed their memories.”

A terrifying thought races through him. He tries to remember the faces of the youngest children, wondering if Rey had been one of them. He leans forward and asks intensely, “Did he leave Rey on Jakku, did  _ he  _ do that to her?”

“No … it was the first thing I asked once he told me. No, he didn’t do that. He’d never seen her before she arrived on Ahch-To.”

“So he just walked away again, abandoned her to the Force.” He sits back and shakes his head in disgust.

She catches his eyes. “I know … I still can’t believe that he did that. But I do know one thing: you’re not dark. Son, you aren’t dark.”

Kylo thinks of how Rey keeps telling him that and he begins to wonder if it might be true. “I never  _ meant  _ to turn to the dark side, I just didn’t even know what it was. You never  _ told  _ me.”

“Luke said it was to protect you! That if you never knew about the dark side you could never be tempted!” she says defensively.

“Well it doesn’t work like that!”

“I see that now. I see how wrong Luke was.”

“You should have told me. You should have told me  _ everything _ .” He breaks their eye contact, looking at Rey.

“I know I should have. You have no idea how deeply I regret ever sending you to the Academy.”

Kylo doesn’t know what to say so they sit in silence. Then Leia gently asks, “Why didn’t you come to me?”

He shrugs. “I didn’t think you would want me―Luke didn’t.”

“Oh no, no, Son … no matter what, I will always love you.” He looks back to Leia and finds her eyes are filling with tears again. Kylo doesn’t know what to do with that. There was a time when her love would have meant everything to him, but not now. There’s too much. He stays silent, but when Leia tries to take his hand again, he lets her.

“Why did you go to Snoke?” Leia asks.

“I didn’t  _ go _ to him. He’s the one who  _ found _ me.” He looks at her with intense accusation and she looks away, more tears falling.

He finds he wants her to understand, at least a little bit. “I’d been on the run for weeks, months; I’m not precisely sure. I was desperate. My life had not prepared me for living on the streets. I … I’ve never been so  _ low _ .” He glances down as he remembers the hunger, the feeling of being hunted, never knowing if it was safe to  _ sleep _ . 

He swallows and continues, keeping his eyes downcast, “When he came, it was like finally being seen. He rescued me … He taught me so much ... I finally made sense to myself. At least for a while ...”

“I wish I’d known …”

Kylo’s eyes snap up at this. “But you never  _ tried  _ to know; you never came looking for me.” He hates that he sounds like a little boy.

“No, I did! I tried to find you for months and months … years. First through official channels and then your father tried through his … associates. But then there were rumors that you were with Snoke. They were very difficult to confirm, but I was eventually able to find out that you were indeed with the First Order and that your name was Kylo Ren.” Leia’s eyes are pleading.

“If Snoke could have found me, then you could have, too.” There, there it is, the source of his anger, his sense of betrayal. His mother  _ should _ have come for him. He never should have been left so vulnerable. She  _ failed _ him.

“You’re wrong, Son. I don’t have the Force the way that Snoke does. Luke was gone. Everything was falling apart, the New Republic was fracturing … I truly did everything I could do. I’m sure that Snoke was able to sense you in a way that I could not.”

Kylo thinks about what she’s said. He wants to believe her, but he’s not ready. He only nods slightly.

“I always believed that there was light in you, but I knew that you would have to choose to come home. But then, your father saw you and I … I had to try one more time. I asked him to bring you home …” 

He knows what’s coming. The question she will ask. He’s not ready … he’ll never  _ be _ ready. Leia looks at their entwined hands. Then she looks up and asks, “Why, Son? Why did you kill your own  _ father _ ?” Leia is openly crying now and Kylo just wants to hide in Rey.

“I was ordered to do it,” Kylo says mechanically. He pulls his hand from Leia’s.

“That’s not good enough.” Her eyes flash with anger.

“And yet, it is the only answer I have.”

“You defied  _ him  _ for Rey! You’ve left them, turned your back on the First Order for this girl! Why not your own  _ father _ ?” Leia demands.

“Because she makes me feel more loved than he ever did!” Kylo bursts out.

Leia’s eyes close tightly in pain and she nods to herself. Then she takes a deep breath, opens her eyes, and asks, “She loves you?”

“I … I don’t know. She’s not said.” He’s acutely aware that Rey can hear every word that he’s saying and she starts to pull at him frantically. He soothes his thumb along her palm, hoping she will understand why he must finish this conversation.

“Do you love her?”

“Yes. I never knew such feelings were possible.”

Leia smiles sadly. “Your father … he did love you, very,  _ very  _ much.”

“Then why did he always mentor those other pilots? He never spent  _ nearly  _ so much time on me as he did them.” Years of bitter resentment seep from his voice.

“He just didn’t understand you. He never understood the Force.”

“But he never even tried! He was always gone … you both were,” he says miserably.

“I know, I know … I thought Luke was the best person to help you. You were always so unstable.”

“Of course I was―the light and dark were warring within me and no one even bothered to explain!”

“We made mistakes; I know we did.”

They sit in silence, a lifetime of hurt and betrayal coursing between them.

Finally Kylo says, “It’s done. Neither of us can undo what we did. Do you have enough from me? I would like to get back to Rey.”

“I just need to know one more thing.”

“And that is?” he asks impatiently.

“Can I trust you? Trust you not to betray us to the First Order?”

“Yes. I was loyal to the First Order because I was loyal to Snoke. The minute Snoke did this to her, that loyalty died. It just took me some time to realize that. Even if I was inclined to contact the First Order, that would threaten Rey. I let her be hurt once and I will never endanger her again.”

Leia watches him intently then nods once. “Alright. I’ll speak to them. I’m not sure what will happen in the long-term, but I do believe I will be able to convince them to let you stay with her for now. For Rey’s sake.” 

She stands and moves to the door. Leia turns back and says, “I’m glad that you came to me, Son.”

Their eyes meet, but Kylo says nothing and Leia withdraws.

As soon as she’s gone, Kylo leans over and whispers a kiss against Rey’s cheek and he’s falling into her mind.

“I love you,” she gasps as soon as he’s in her arms. They’re on ‘Takodana’. 

“What?” He’s not sure he’s heard her properly.

“I love you―I just didn’t know how to tell you.”

“Oh Rey … you mean that, you truly mean that?”

“Yes, yes I do.”

He pulls her as close as he can, holding her for a very long time. That she would give him something so precious, something so dear … he’s overwhelmed by everything that’s happened. She pulls back and looks into his face and smiles, almost sadly. He’s confused for a moment until he feels her wipe the tears from his face. He hadn’t realized he’d been crying. 

“Oh, Kylo …”

“I’m sorry.” He starts to wipe at his face furiously, embarrassed by his lack of control.

“No, stop, you deserve those tears. Today has to have been so difficult.”

“It doesn’t matter,” he chokes out.

“Of course it does. I heard you speaking with your mother, I know how hurt you are, how alone you’ve been.”

“I … yes.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, I just couldn’t figure out how.”

“I don’t care that you couldn’t say it, truly, I don’t. I was happy with whatever you could give me.” His voice breaks.

“I wish you wouldn’t just accept so little.”

He only nods, trying to stem the tears that won’t stop falling. She pulls him to her again and he whispers in her hair, “I love you, Rey.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my magnificent friend and beta, Meaghan M/Juulna. I will never stop being amazed at your generosity and kindness.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is picking up the slack in a big way right now.
> 
> Thank you to my wonderful alpha team, MeganD1, MissHarper, and Hannidae!
> 
> Thank you readers! You have all been marvelously supportive and I wish I could bake you all cupcakes. Space Cupcakes.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic has to face that he's not the only one who cares about Cinnabon.

“I’m not sure how it’s possible that she’s … communicating,” the Resistance doctor says skeptically.

 

“Well, she is,” Kylo says stubbornly.

 

“As you say, but all of our scans show no brain activity. There’s nothing to indicate that she’s in there.”

 

“She’s a powerful Force-user; perhaps that simply doesn’t show up on your _scans_ ,” Kylo offers, very annoyed at this woman who dares to suggest his Rey isn’t _right there_.

 

“Well, regardless, from what you’ve said there has been no change in her condition. There’s nothing to show that she’s improving.”

 

“But she wasn’t able to reach me for months and then she made contact. There must be _some_ evidence!” Kylo says angrily.

 

“I’m sorry, there’s nothing,” the doctor says regretfully as she leaves Rey’s sterile room.

 

Leia, who had been silent, moves forward and says, “Perhaps she needs to be healed with the Force.”

 

“I do not have that ability. I was never able to learn that,” Kylo says stiffly.

 

“We could try to find Lu-”

 

“No, I’m not letting him anywhere _near_ her.”

 

“It doesn’t really matter. It took so long to find him the first time he disappeared, we may never be able to find him again.” Leia’s eyes are full of pain.

 

“Perhaps, in time, she will improve?” Kylo is grasping desperately. This news is hitting him quite hard. He would happily spend his life in this room, with her in her head, but he knows that would crush Rey.

 

“I think … I think it’s time I call in an old friend,” Leia muses.

 

“Who?”

 

“Maz.”

 

“That old pirate? Does she know of a hidden Force-user?”

 

“No, Son. She _is_ a hidden Force-user. I used to think that she knew almost as much as Luke. Now I think she likely knows more. She never let herself be pulled into Jedi, Sith, dark, light.”

 

“But … we … _I_ destroyed her castle.”

 

“You think that would keep Maz down? No, she’s fine. I’ll make arrangements now.” Leia goes to Rey and says, “We’ll heal you, whatever it takes. I know we didn’t get to spend much time together, but I promise I’ll do everything in my power to bring you back to my son.” She squeezes Rey’s hand and then she’s moving to the door.

 

Kylo takes his usual seat by her bed and is about to join her—as he always does when they’re alone—when he hears a commotion outside.

 

“I’ve waited long enough!” an insistent voice yells.

 

“We have orders that only the medical staff and the general are to be allowed in or out.”

 

“I don’t care!” the voice says.

 

Leia pinches the bridge of her nose. “Son, I think I need to let Finn see her.”

 

“Finn? The stormtrooper?”

 

“He’s not been a stormtrooper for months; he’s a valued member of the Resistance. He’s her friend. He … cares for her.”

 

“No.” He feels Rey pull at him.

 

“She matters to more people than just you, Son,” Leia says reproachfully.

 

“No,” he repeats.

 

“Well, it’s not your decision. Ask her what she wants. I’ll go talk to him.” Leia slips from the door and Kylo hears her soft voice but he can’t make out her words.

 

Kylo does _not_ like this. At all. He’s not even sure why. FN-2187 had filled him with this _feeling_ back on _Starkiller_ and it’s only more intense now. He feels Rey’s energy grasping at him strongly.

 

He takes her hand and places his cheek against hers. In an instant he’s with her on ‘D’Qar’. They’re again in the small clearing.

 

“Why won’t you let Finn in?” she asks in confusion. Rey has her head tilted to the side.

 

“Because,” he says shortly. He wants to go to her, to pull her into his arms. Instead he stands away from her, his posture rigid.

 

Rey sighs with exasperation. “Because _why_?”

 

“I just … I don’t like it.”

 

“Why not? He’s my friend!” Rey puts her hands at her hips.

 

He clenches his jaw. He doesn’t understand himself.

 

Rey’s expression shifts from indignation to dawning realization. “Are you … are you jealous?”

 

Is that what this awful, threatening feeling is? “I don’t … I don’t want to share you.”

 

Rey walks to him and puts her hand on his bicep. “You wouldn’t be _sharing_ me. Finn is my _friend_ … my first friend. I’d like to hear his voice.”

 

His hands curl into fists at the idea that _Finn_ matters to her so much. What if when she wakes she’d rather be with Finn? Something fierce and animal howls at the thought of someone else touching her, kissing her … His temper is rising swiftly and he tamps down the cascade of images that have begun to taunt him.

 

He breathes in deeply, attempting to calm himself. He must think about this rationally. Perhaps he should want her to be with Finn. Perhaps that would be better for her. _Finn_ has never hurt her. He’s pieced enough of it together. _Finn_ helped her escape Jakku. _Finn_ came back for her, to rescue her. From _him_. _Finn_ picked up that lightsaber and faced _Kylo Ren_ with nothing but his courage, a strange weapon, and the desperate need to protect Rey. He sees in a moment that _Finn_ never hesitated, not like he did. He only acted. For Rey.

 

He’s remained silent for too long and Rey is looking at him worriedly. She moves her hand from his arm to his face and says, “Kylo?”

 

He closes his eyes; her fingertips along his cheek are so tender. She says that she loves him, but he knows she shouldn’t. He opens his eyes and reaches up; he pulls her fingers from his face and steps back, letting her hand drop. Rey blinks and her brows draw together.

 

“I understand if you’d prefer to be with him.” Kylo turns away.

 

“What? No, Kylo, no! How could you even say that?” She’s in front of him in an instant. She swiftly takes his face in her hands and forces him to look at her. She looks almost … _angry_. “I care about Finn, I do. But it’s nothing like how I feel for you. I _love_ you.”

 

But how can she truly know such a thing in her current state? No … he should stand aside. His eyes slide from hers. She moves to try and catch his gaze, but he won’t allow it.

 

“Stop that. Look at me. Look at me!” Rey demands. Finally he meets her eyes and he _sees_ the love there. Maker, he’s so confused.

 

“Listen to me, please listen to me,” she entreats.

 

He nods for her to continue. Her slim fingers hold his face fiercely.

 

“I know that you doubt me, doubt my feelings for you. I know you think that you aren’t worth loving. But you’re _wrong_. You’ve been wrong about a lot of things, actually. This, this most of all. You’ll see, when I wake up, I will still choose you. I will still love you.”

 

He wants to believe her. With every fiber of his being he wants her words to be true. Hesitantly he places his hands on her shoulders and searches her eyes. They blaze with ferocity.

 

“Please believe me, Kylo. Believe _in_ me.”

 

“I do, Rey … it’s not you I doubt. It’s me.”

 

“What do I need to say to make you believe me?”

 

“I _do_ believe you … I simply think that when you wake up you’ll realize you’ve made a horrible mistake.”

 

“Well, from what I’ve been hearing, I may never wake up.”

 

“Don’t say that!” He pulls her closer. “I will find a way, if it takes all of my life, I will find a way to make you whole,” he says fervently.

 

“And you question that I could love you …” she says to herself.

 

Her arms come around him and one of her hands threads through his hair. She pulls his head down and he nuzzles against her neck. He sighs at the feeling of being held so closely.

 

“You’ll see, every day I will prove it to you,” she murmurs against him.

 

They hold each other until the fraught feelings pass, until there is a gentle closeness. She strokes his hair and he rubs circles along her back.

 

Eventually she pulls back and looks up at him. “Now, will you be nice to Finn?”

 

His mouth quirks into a small smile. “I’ll do my best.”

 

“Okay. I guess that’s all I can ask.” She returns his smile. Then her eyes glint with promise and she says, “Besides, after he’s gone we’ll have quite a bit of time until Maz gets here and I have some _ideas_ on how to spend it.”

 

His brows hit his hairline at that. He’s still trying to process what she’s suggesting when she’s kissing him. He kisses her back, lifting her from her feet as he holds her as tightly as he can. She giggles into his mouth and he smiles through their kisses. She loves him. Rey _loves_ him.

 

He sets her back on her feet, feeling much less apprehensive about Finn. He still doesn’t like it, but he’ll try to behave.

 

“Alright. Is there anything you’d like me to tell … Finn?” He can’t keep the distaste from his tone.

 

She purses her lips slightly but says, “Yes, please tell him that I’ve missed him and that I’m looking forward to finding out all about that pretty girl from the kitchens.”

 

Kylo doesn’t particularly like being in intermediary for gossip, but he will do as she’s asked.

 

“I’ll tell him.”

 

“Thank you, Kylo.”

 

She kisses him one more time and he withdraws. He finds his mother waiting.

 

“She would like for him to visit,” Kylo says formally.

 

“Good. I’ll bring him in now.” Leia opens the door and beckons Finn in.

 

Finn pauses for just a moment, his eyes burning with absolute loathing as he looks at Kylo. Kylo only raises an impassive brow. He does not get up from Rey’s side and keeps her hand firmly in his.

 

“Why is he touching her!” Finn angrily asks Leia.

 

“Finn, I know that she matters to you, but … she was with Be- my son for a long time.”

 

“What are you saying? Are you saying that he, that they, they …” he trails off as his eyes fill with horror.

 

“Yes, that’s what I’m saying.”

 

“No, no way. Rey would never do that. She’d never want to be with that monster.”

 

Kylo bristles but he can’t argue with his logic. He’d thought the same thing for a very long time.

 

“He’s not who you think he is.”

 

“The hell he isn’t! I know he’s your son, General, but I saw him in action. Whatever you’ve heard, I promise you, it’s worse. He has no remorse. There’s nothing good in him.”

 

“Now, Finn, I know that you’re upset, but I believe him. He’s proven that Rey is in there, communicating with him. She never would have told him what she did if she didn’t trust him. Think about it, please. She told him where we are but the First Order didn’t follow. I know you don’t like this, but you need to accept that things have changed since Rey was captured.”

 

Finn stands in the middle of the room, rage roiling off of him. He looks at Rey and back to Kylo then back to Rey again.

 

“So I’m supposed to believe that you, Kylo Ren, Snoke’s enforcer, has what, found love and seen the error of your ways?”

 

Kylo’s nostrils flare and he’s remembering how very satisfying it was to dispatch FN-2187. He wishes he’d been successful. But then he thinks of Rey and knows he doesn’t really want that. This man matters to her and he will attempt to make peace with the former stormtrooper.

 

“You may believe what you wish, but what the general said is true. Rey changed everything. _Everything_ ,” Kylo says.

 

“I won’t believe it until I hear it from Rey.”

 

“As that is impossible right now, you will have to take my word for it.”

 

“Not ever going to happen.”

 

“Fine, then perhaps you should leave.” Kylo winces internally, knowing that that is not what Rey wants. He wishes he could take it back.

 

“You aren’t getting rid of me that easily.”

 

Finn goes to the opposite side of the bed and takes Rey’s other hand, staring hard at Kylo in challenge. Kylo grinds his teeth but says nothing. As Finn looks at Rey, Kylo recognizes the expression that fills the other man’s face. Finn more than cares for Rey, too.

 

Kylo looks to where Leia is standing by the door. She looks between the two men then holds Kylo’s eyes as she gestures to the door. He nods for her to go. She quietly leaves to contact Maz. His attention returns to Rey and … Finn.

 

“Rey … I can’t tell you what a relief it is to see you. I’m so glad you’re back,” Finn says softly, nearly reverently.

 

Kylo remembers his task and clears his throat. “She asked me to tell you that she’s missed you.” Scorn weaves throughout Rey’s kind words.

 

“I missed you too, Sunshine,” Finn says as he pushes a bit of Rey’s hair from her face.

 

Kylo hates the familiarity he hears, that this man dares use a term of endearment for _his_ Rey. But not nearly as much as he hates watching Finn’s fingers caress her skin. Suddenly he doesn’t mind bearing the rest of her message. He would like very much for Finn to focus his attentions on the ‘girl from the kitchens’.

 

“She also wished me to tell you that she is looking forward to hearing about how things are progressing with the _pretty_ _girl_ from the kitchens.”

 

Finn’s eyes dart to Kylo’s and then back to Rey’s still face. “I guess you really are talking to him if you told him about _that_. Well … she’s kept on smiling at me. Just like you said, Rey. But … oh stars. Rey, I promised myself that I’d tell you this if I ever saw you again. And maybe it means nothing, but I have to try. I really hate saying this in front of _him_ , but if there’s a chance … Poe says I should have said this right from the start. I think you’re amazing. I don’t care about the girl from the kitchens. Her name is Sarai, by the way. But it’s just you, Sunshine. It’s always been you.” Finn’s dark eyes are warm and sad and Kylo finds that he feels compassion for the errant stormtrooper.

 

Kylo feels Rey pulling at him. He doesn’t want to play go-between, but this man has just spilled his heart at Rey’s feet. Long-forgotten impulses of kindness pluck at him. “She wants for me to return to her. I imagine she wishes to tell you something.”

 

Finn looks at him with cold, hard eyes. He’s clearly struggling. “Why should I believe you?”

 

“You likely shouldn’t, but as I am the only one who can communicate with her, your options are limited.”

 

Finn looks to Rey’s face and finally nods sharply.

 

“I will return shortly,” Kylo says as he leans his forehead against Rey’s.

 

They’re still on ‘D’Qar’ in the clearing. She’s looking away when she senses him. She turns and moves to him quickly.

 

“I didn’t know. I’m sorry, I didn’t know.”

 

“What?”

 

“I didn’t know he felt that way about me. I … I would have waited to see him … I just … I wouldn’t have asked you to do that if I’d known Finn was going to say something like that.”

 

“Rey … oh, my sweet girl … You truly didn’t know that he feels that way about you?”

 

“No, how could I have?”

 

“I knew on _Starkiller_. I knew as soon as I saw how he defended you.”

 

“But … he never said anything.”

 

“Did _I_ say anything?”

 

“No, but … that’s different.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because … we weren’t … friends.”

 

He’s surprised at the … kinship he feels for this other man. “Rey, I don’t think you understand how special you are. I’m sure he felt it was better to say nothing and keep your friendship than to take the risk of losing you entirely. That’s certainly how I felt. I was content to have you as my apprentice and nothing more because it meant having you near me.”

 

Rey nibbles at her lower lip, thinking. Eventually she says, “I wish he didn’t feel this way about me.”

 

“But he does. What would you like me to tell him?”

 

“Tell him … tell him that he’ll always be my first friend ...” she trails off, looking out across the clearing.

 

“But?” Kylo prods.

 

“No … no but. That’s a conversation I’ll need to have with him in person … in private.”

 

He doesn’t like the idea of her alone with Finn, but he’s beginning to understand that many things will change when she wakes.

 

He takes her hand and squeezes it. Her eyes meet his and he smiles. “I’ll return to you once he’s gone.”

 

“Good.” She gives him a bright, beautiful smile and it makes his chest ache.

 

Back in Rey’s sterile room he finds Finn gazing at Rey wistfully.

 

“She wants you to know that you’ll always be her first friend.”

 

Finn’s face slowly shifts to sorrow. He nods in understanding. “I never really thought she would see me as anything else.”

 

Kylo doesn’t know what to say. He has the strangest desire to offer something … comforting. Rey is awakening so many long slumbering instincts. Instead he stands and walks to the edge of the room, attempting to allow Finn some time with her. He turns his back and ignores Finn’s murmurs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the Best Beta in the Beta Biz, Meaghan M/Juulna. As many of you know, this has been a bit of a tricky time for me and she has been tremendously supportive in both RL and with writing. Thank you, BB-2.
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who has been really proving he means the whole "for better or for worse" part of this marriage business as of late.
> 
> Thank you to my alpha team, MeganD1, Hannidae, and MissHarper!
> 
> Thank you to all of you wonderful, wonderful readers. I have received so many supportive messages in this last week and I'm so grateful to be part of such a beautiful community. Thank you all.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hallmark (full of wisdom, see?) is on the scene! With the help of Dairy Queen and Hot Topic, Hallmark knows just what to do. It's time to try and wake Cinnabon up! And of course Hot Topic is now totally secure in her love for him and isn't a self-loathing laser-brain. Oh, who am I kidding? He's an insecure idiot but Cinnabon sets him straight.

Kylo is waiting with his mother, watching Maz’s ship descend. It’s a strange design he’s never seen before. It’s painted garishly and it reminds him of its pilot.

 

The last two days have been … strange. He and Leia have come to some semblance of an accord, both choosing not to speak of the past. Last night she’d clasped his shoulder as she’d said goodnight. It had felt … right. He’s spent most of his time with Rey, talking, holding, touching. They’ve not taken things further, but he’s grown more confident when he touches her, more sure of his right to do so.

 

The ramp descends and the small, ancient woman walks out, blinking through her giant goggles.

 

Maz walks swiftly to Leia and pulls her down until they’re seeing eye-to-eye.

 

“My child,” Maz croons. “I told Han to go home to you.”

 

Leia’s eyes fill with tears and she looks away. Maz puts her hands on Leia’s face and forces her to look back. “Han did the only thing he could; he had to try.”

 

Kylo wants to go back to Rey. He doesn’t … he can’t face this. His mother’s tears, they’re like acid against his heart. He’s never faced what he did that day, not really. It’s growing harder and harder to push it away.

 

“And you!” Maz exclaims as she focuses her intense stare on Kylo. “I knew the day I met her that she would bring you home. You always were such a lost little boy. I’m glad to see she finally found you.” Kylo had expected scorn, anger, rage from Maz. He remembers visiting her castle when he was very small, before his powers spiked, before his father withdrew from him. He doesn’t know what to do, how to feel.

 

“Ach, boy, Han never knew how to be a father to you. He didn’t know how to care for anything but the _Falcon_ and your mother. Some people just aren’t built that way. You did pick a permanent solution to a temporary problem though, didn’t you?”

 

“Maz,” he says formally.

 

“You expect me to hate you, to tell you you’re evil for killing my friend.”

 

“I … yes.”

 

“Well, boy, you’ve never known anything about anything. Though you do seem to be learning. Enough wasting time, bring me to that lovely girl of yours. Let’s see what we can do, Ben Solo.”

 

“That’s not my na-”

 

“Yes, it is. It may feel like broken glass, tearing you to pieces, but it is your name and it always has been. Best be a man about it, _Ben Solo_.” The small woman takes off towards medical, not needing to be told where to go. He looks at his mother who looks almost as bewildered as he’s feeling. They follow Maz obediently.

 

\---

 

“Oh, there you are, sweet girl. Look at how pretty you are. He’s been taking good care of you, hasn’t he?” Maz says to Rey’s still form.

 

Maz waits for no invitation, simply crawling up onto the bed. She places both hands on Rey’s cheeks and touches their foreheads together.

 

“Hmmm, yes, I see. I see.” Maz stays like that for what feels like forever. Finally, she sits back and fixes Kylo with a long stare.

 

Kylo can’t take the silence any longer and exclaims, “Well? Can you help her?”

 

“You love her very much, don’t you?”

 

Kylo still finds speaking of his feelings for Rey to be quite uncomfortable so he only nods.

 

“Oh, lost boy, do not be embarrassed by how you love her. It is the purest thing in all the galaxy.”

 

“Yes … yes, I love her.” His voice is impossibly gentle. Maz grins.

 

“Just so. And she loves you. That will be the key,” the ancient woman says wisely.

 

“What do you mean?” Kylo asks.

 

“Snoke has severely damaged her connection to the Force, but she’s so strong that the Force has protected her, wrapped her up, and kept her safe like a nice little package.”

 

“Why can’t she wake up?” Leia joins the conversation.

 

“She needs to be shown the way, we’ll need to heal her connection to the Force and nothing manages that better than love. I suspect your love kept her tethered in the first place, Ben Solo.”

 

He can’t help the stab of pain his name causes in his chest. “I don’t understand,” he says.

 

“Ach, you don’t have to. Just trust old Maz. Now, come here and give me your hand.” Kylo does as she instructs.

 

Maz joins his hand with Rey’s and beckons Leia over. “You too, Mama. You love your boy and you will come to love Rey soon enough.”

 

Now Leia’s hand is over Rey and Kylo’s and Maz puts both her hands around their tangled fingers.

 

Maz closes her eyes and starts to breathe very slowly. One by one, Rey, Kylo, then Leia are breathing in tandem with her and he feels the familiar pull of Rey. Soon they’re all in her mind, on the clearing on ‘D’Qar’.

 

“Hello, child,” Maz says as she walks to Rey.

 

“Maz! Leia! Oh, it’s so good to see you.” Rey’s face is open and full of affection. Maz continues to move towards Rey and takes both of her hands in hers.

 

“You’ve found the belonging you seek, sweet girl,” Maz says.

 

Rey’s eyes widen in memory. “Is that what you meant?”

 

“Yes, I could see what was coming. I did not foresee the pain, your capture, but I understand now that it was the only way. You’ve brought him back.”

 

Leia approaches Rey then, and Maz steps back.

 

“I am so relieved to see you, hear you. Thank you. _Thank you_ for bringing him _home_ ,” Leia says.

 

Rey shakes her head and says, “I didn’t. He did that.” Leia looks skeptical.

 

Kylo stands away from the three women, unsure as to his place in all of this. When it is only he and Rey, he knows he is welcome. But what will she feel now that she’s surrounded by others who care for her?

 

“This one, he’s still full of doubt,” Maz remarks.

 

Rey moves to him then and places a gentle hand on his face. “I’ve told you before, there is no reason for you to doubt me, to doubt who you are to me.” Kylo looks away, feeling very exposed. He doesn’t know how to be with her where others may see. This is private.

 

He knows she’s said that she wants him … loves him, but everything could change when she wakes. He hopes, how he hopes, that she will still choose him, just as he doesn’t want to bind her with promises made while she’s so vulnerable. “I know … but when you wake up, if you find … if you find that you would prefer I leave, I won’t force myself on you.”

 

“No … no. Maz is right. For the first time in my life I feel like … I feel like I have a home. In you.”

 

She feels like he’s her home? He suddenly doesn’t care that Maz and his mother are right there; he pulls her to him and kisses her fiercely. Then he moves his lips to her ear and murmurs, “You are the only home I ever want.” He feels her arms tighten in answer.

 

“See, Mama? Everything will be alright,” Maz chuckles to Leia. Kylo remembers himself and pulls back from Rey, but he takes her hand in his.

 

“Now, let’s get to work. Rey, dear girl, we must heal your connection to the Force. That beast nearly severed it. You and your young man will need to travel deeper into you, find the wound, and heal it.”

 

“But how?” Rey asks.

 

“By traveling into the memory of when Snoke did this to you. Now, Ben Solo—don’t make that face—you’ve already sensed the first part. Take her other hand and face each other. Rey, remember. Pull him with you and _remember_. Mama and I will keep you tethered, and pull you back if you get lost.”

 

He concentrates on Rey and he feels himself tumbling. For a long time they spiral and he finds himself in her memories of that horrible day.

 

“Well, little scavenger, Kylo Ren tells me that you have agreed to be his apprentice,” Snoke’s menacing voice envelopes his senses. Years of loyalty turn in his stomach.

 

Rey shudders, and Kylo can feel her cloying fear.

 

“Y-yes, I have agreed,” she chokes out.

 

“I wonder why you acquiesced so quickly, Rey of Jakku.” Swiftly, Snoke is in her mind, pulling and prodding.

 

“Hmm, you fear the dark side, but you do not fear _him_.”

 

Kylo is within Rey’s memory and he feels as Snoke rifles through her mind. They’re in her AT-AT and Rey is very young. She’s curled in a small ball, her hands wrapped tightly around a handmade doll of a Rebellion pilot. She’s crying, her small, thin frame shaking. He feels her desolate loneliness as she plaintively calls out, “Where are you? I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m so bad. I’ll be good, I promise I’ll be good. Please come back for me. Come back ... come back.”

 

Kylo wants to gather her into his arms and console the child-Rey, but he’s only a witness. That Rey ever felt so lost, so _alone_ ... it tears at his being, his _soul_. How could she have ever thought she was bad, her abandonment her own fault? He will soothe this aching hole within her, somehow. He _will_ fix this.

 

He hears Snoke’s voice slither through the memory. “No one wanted you, I see. Good, good, he will be able to work with that, _exploit_ that. No one wanted him, either.”

 

They’re in another memory. Rey is surrounded by a gang of other scavengers as she defends her day’s findings. She looks to be around 10 and she’s threatening them with her staff. Kylo immediately wants to stand between her and her attackers, but he is trapped, a silent observer.

 

“Look at her, all alone, no one to protect her. We’ll take that, sand rat,” the largest man says as he moves to steal her scavenge. Rey tries to strike at him, but one of his compatriots easily yanks her staff from her hands.

 

Yet another scavenger grabs her from behind, holding her as she kicks and screams, “That’s mine!”

 

“Oh no, it’s _ours_. Thank you for making today so easy on us. Look at the condition of this console, boys! We’ll eat for a week on this.”

 

Rey’s little face is red and furious, but Kylo can still see the tears gathering in her eyes. The leader walks over to her and sneers, “Maybe we’ll let you keep one thing. Don’t want you to starve, after all.”

 

Rey looks hopeful. He strokes along her cheek and says, “If you ask me nicely.” Kylo knows there is nothing he can do, but he wants to cleave this man in two. He feels those disgusting fingers touching Rey like a trail of fire along his own face. He _burns_ with the need to stop this.

 

Her lip quivers and she whispers, “Please?”

 

“Poor little orphan girl. Ask again.” Kylo feels the taunt deep in his heart. He knows what this must have done to her.

 

Rey’s eyes flash in anger, and her expression is stony, but she says, “Will you please let me keep the power converter?”

 

The scavenger walks over to her pile of carefully gathered technology and picks up the converter. “This? This is what you’d like to keep?”

 

“Yes. Please,” she pleads. Kylo can see that this young Rey was already a proud thing and this submission is costing her dearly.

 

“What do you think, lads? Should we let her keep it?” The other scavengers laugh.

 

“Here, girl.” He makes as if to hand it to her but just before her small hand closes around it he snatches it back and breaks it in two. “Oops.”

 

“No! Please, I haven’t eaten since the day before yesterday.” She struggles against her captor’s hold.

 

“Not our problem; your parents shouldn’t let you out here alone. Oh wait, you haven’t got any. Come on, let’s get this to Plutt.”

 

The group of scavengers start to move away, pulling her scavenge with them. As soon as they let her go she flies at the leader, pummeling him with her little fists. He rears back and strikes her so hard across the face that she flies back, landing hard in the sands. Kylo is seething, helpless as he watches this horrible scene. She scrambles to her feet and rushes him again, but this time he punches her in the abdomen and she falls to her side. He kicks and kicks and kicks her until she lies still, gasping.

 

“Stupid girl, you’ll learn.” The gang moves off, leaving her broken and bleeding. She whimpers in pain. Again, Kylo is desperate to wrap her up and keep her safe. He wishes Jakku had been part of the Hosnian system, these despicable creatures now nothing but stardust.

 

Snoke’s voice moves through her mind, a sick, foreign feeling. “You are so fierce, and so beautifully _angry_. Kylo Ren has chosen very well, very well indeed. Now, let us find why one so strong would give in so quickly, shall we?”

 

Snoke pushes in deeper, attempting to access her current thoughts, but is blocked. “Don’t fight me, I will find it. You’re only hurting yourself.”  Kylo feels as Rey’s mind blooms with pain and she struggles hard against Snoke. She told him that she was protecting her feelings for him from his former master and he dreads what he knows is coming.

 

Kylo hears her chanting, “No, that’s mine, you can’t have it. No, that’s mine, you can’t have it.” She says it over and over again. He’s brimming with conflict, wishing she had simply given Snoke what he had wanted and in awe of how viciously she fights to keep the seed of her love for him safe. Can he ever be worth her ferocity?

 

Dimly, he perceives the moment that he had arrived to find Rey struggling. He hears himself say, “Master, what are you doing with my apprentice!” He feels the hope and affection that floods her when she hears his voice. Kylo is disgusted with himself anew. He knows what happens next, knows how he failed her.

 

Kylo’s presence has brought her fledgling love to the surface and Snoke almost has it. She reaches deep for every last bit of her connection to the Force and uses it to shield her mind. Snoke rips and tears and Kylo feels as her beating, glorious light is torn to pieces as she starts to convulse. Here, this is it, this is when it happened. He feels her start to fade from him, the memory somehow pulling her soul into its gnashing maw and he knows that here, now, he must save her.

 

He thinks of all that she has come to mean to him, how somehow she looks at him and finds something worthy. He feels how deeply he loves her, gathers it together and reaches out, bathing her in the fierceness of his devotion. He failed her once; he will not do so again. He will never leave her, never hurt her. He gives all of himself over to her, holding nothing back. “I love you, Rey, I will always love you. I love that beautiful little girl; she is so good, so very good. I love that young warrior, so brave, so strong. Everything you are, everything you were, everything you ever will be, I love you,” he vows into the void.

 

Kylo remembers the feeling of her small hands in his and channels all that he is, all that she’s making him into, giving, giving, giving. He senses his own connection to the Force and offers it up to whoever might be listening. He will sacrifice anything and everything if only she will have the beautiful life that has always been denied her. He feels himself start to wane but then, there, she’s coming back, she’s fighting her way back to him, to them. He feels as her connection to the Force knits back together. Somehow he can see their essences winding together, crimson red and cerulean blue. It’s beautiful, and it’s total, and he thinks he might be experiencing her very soul.

 

They’re still in her memory of that terrifying day but, instead of falling unconscious, she stands and turns to him. Snoke disappears and the room evaporates. They’re standing together, hands clasped.  They’re surrounded by warm light and somehow it feels like the Force is singing. She’s glowing, pure, sacred.

 

She reaches for him and she’s kissing him and her light floods into him. He feels a great push and suddenly he’s back in his own mind. He opens his eyes to find Maz and his mother blinking quickly.

 

Immediately he untangles his hands from theirs and moves them to Rey’s face. Just as he’s about to call out for her, her eyes open—her eyes _finally_ open. He can’t help it; tears fill his eyes and he calls out, “Rey, Rey, Rey.”

 

She lifts her hands and mirrors his position, holding her fingers against his cheeks. “You saved me …” she whispers.

 

He pulls her to him and feels her arms wrap around him for the first time and he’s crying into her hair. There is a solidity to feeling her real body move, her actual arms holding him tight, that undoes him even further. He weeps, clinging to her.

 

Everything he’s done, all of his sins, they’re coursing through him. Being in that moment— _feeling_ how he’d nearly lost her because of his own misguided loyalty—he knows he is tainted, _obscene_ , and he deserves none of her comfort. _He_ did this to her, not Snoke— _him_. He sees, oh how he sees. He had almost destroyed the only thing that has _ever_ truly mattered to him because he had been too _weak_ to protect her. He starts to pull away. She is not for him; he shouldn’t stain her with his touch. He’s brought her back and now he should set her free.

 

“No! No, don’t you dare! Don’t you _dare_ think that.” He’s confused—how does she know what he’s thinking? He continues to move away from her but she grabs his hands and holds him fast.

 

“Because I can feel you, I can hear you,” Rey says.

 

Suddenly he becomes aware of a pervasive warmth and a trembling fear and he knows they aren’t his own emotions.

 

“How?” he chokes out.

 

“I don’t know, but I do know that you aren’t going anywhere. I felt you give yourself to me; I heard everything you said, everything you felt. Well, I give you me right back,” she says fervently.

 

“I may have an idea what’s happened,” Maz gently breaks in. Kylo is startled; he had completely forgotten there were other people in the room. He’s embarrassed by his complete and total breakdown. He takes a shuddering breath as he rubs at his eyes.

 

“Children, I believe you have formed a Force Bond. There’s no getting rid of each other now!” Maz laughs heartily.

 

“A Force Bond?” Rey asks in confusion.

 

Kylo is regaining his composure and answers, “They’re very rare. It means I will always be able to communicate with you, sense your feelings … it’s … it’s permanent.” He’s elated at the prospect of always being connected with her and shamed that she is so tethered to such a beast.

 

“Good. Then maybe you’ll stop trying convince me to let you go,” Rey says.

 

“You must know I always want to be by your side, I just …”

 

“I know, I understand a little better now that I can feel you. But you have to stop thinking that.” Neither of them seems to be able to remember that they aren’t the only ones in the room.

 

“Maz,” Leia says. “I think we should give them some time. Let’s go arrange for quarters for both of them. I should be able to manage to buy a few days of freedom for Be- my son while I and the other leaders decide how to proceed.”

 

“Together,” Rey interjects.

 

“Together?” Kylo queries.

 

Rey looks at him and repeats firmly, “Together. We want quarters together.”

 

Leia smiles a bit to herself and says, “I’ll see what I can do.”

 

Alone, he looks down at their entwined fingers, marveling at the feeling of her grasping _back_. He’d grown so used to the feeling of her unresponsive hands as he held them. He looks up at her beautiful, _open_ eyes and he shudders.

 

“Listen to me, please,” she entreats.

 

“I’m listening.”

 

“You keep trying to push me away, telling yourself that you’re tainted, broken, stained. Please, please stop doing that. I know that you’ve done awful things, but they are not who you are. You can come back, you can find forgiveness.”

 

“I don’t even begin to know how,” he says hollowly.

 

“You will find your way and I will be right beside you,” she says firmly.

 

“You truly want that? You truly want … me?” He knows he’s becoming quite repetitive, that she’s said that she wants him, but he just can’t bring himself to believe it.

 

“Yes, you impossible man. You can’t take back what you said—I won’t let you.”

 

“I would never _want_ to take it back, I meant every word. Seeing more of what your life was, not being able to protect you, hold you ... it tore me apart.” He wonders how many other pieces of pain she will reveal to him?

 

“I know. I felt that, too.”

 

“You don’t … you don’t mind being Bound to me?” Kylo asks cautiously.

 

“You can’t hide from me now.”

 

“I don’t want to hide from you, I just … I can’t bear the idea that I’ve trapped you in some way.” He rubs his thumb along her palm and smiles at her answering squeeze.

 

“And if I want to be trapped?”

 

“Then I do not believe I could let you go.”

 

“Good, because I won’t let you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost done! Just one more chapter. And I could not do it without ... bet you can't guess ... the fabulous Meaghan M/Juulna, my marvelous beta and dear friend. She brings a new meaning to steadfast, let me tell you!
> 
> Thank you Mr. Downing, who is the best son-in-law in the world. He's nicer to my mom than I am.
> 
> Thank you MissHarper, Hannidae, and MeganD1 for being rockin' alpha readers!
> 
> Thank you readers! I have been blown away by your support. RL is turning around and it really helped to hear from so many of you. I treasure you all, I truly do.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hot Topic and Cinnabon get some alone time in their shared quarters and I think we all know what that means ...

They weren’t able to spend much time alone. The doctors had rushed in and checked her over, pronouncing her to be in excellent health. They’d marveled that her body had retained its strength, assuming it to be another mysterious side-effect of the Force.

 

Leia has just shown them to their new quarters, heavily guarded of course. They’re finally alone again.

 

He feels a strange mix of feelings coming from Rey and he’s having trouble discerning what is actually moving through her. He catches hints of confusion and trepidation. This strange new Bond is weaving through him and he wonders if it will always be a jumble, never knowing who is feeling what.

 

“Rey …” he says as he approaches her. She’s said that she has chosen him, and he knows that he has chosen her. He will not attempt to give her the freedom to go, not now. She’s told him over and over again that she wants this and he will try to believe her. He raises a shaking hand to her cheek and presses his long fingers into her soft flesh. He wants to kiss her properly, for the first time in a way.

 

She closes her eyes and presses her face against his touch and she hums a little sound.

 

“Tell me what I’m feeling from you; I can’t decipher it,” he says.

 

“I’m … I’m nervous.”

 

“Tell me why?”

 

“Before, you would come into my mind and it was only us. Now there is a whole world.” A stab of fear runs through him. Perhaps now that she has had some time to think, other people …

 

“No! No, not that, never that,” she promises.

 

“Then what? Please tell me.”

 

“Are you truly here with me? You followed Snoke for so long, were so loyal. I know that, in a way, he was good to you. Can you be here and fight with me?”

 

“You’re asking me if I will join the Resistance.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“You’re asking me if I can help destroy what I helped create.”

 

“Yes, I am.”

 

“Do you require it of me?” he asks stiffly.

 

“No … but … I hope it.”

 

He thinks for a long time. He knows he feels nothing for Snoke any longer. The deep sense of gratitude was consumed by Snoke asking too much of him. The crack had been the murder of his father, and the utter destruction stood right in front of him, asking for all of him to follow her, now. Could he do this? He knows if he doesn’t, he won’t be allowed to stay. The only way the Resistance will accept his presence is if he spills every secret he’s ever known about the First Order. In the back of his mind he’d always been aware of that. In a way it is moot, as he has already decided. Choosing Rey has always been much more complicated than the simple yearning of his heart.

 

She deserves this of him; she deserves everything she could ever ask of him. He has never thought much about politics, governance. He followed Snoke and that was all that really mattered to him. But what is the true answer? Which vision for the galaxy does he believe? Will the First Order bring peace through absolutism? Will the New Republic’s messy democracy eventually find its way?

 

They’ve been standing there, his hand on her face and her eyes pleading into his while he’s considered her words. Rey … she is all that matters. He will trust her as he once trusted Luke Skywalker, then Snoke. She will be his master and he will do her bidding.

 

“Yes Rey, I will fight. With you. _For_ you.”

 

“But not because you truly believe in the cause?”

 

“Perhaps in time I will, but for now, is it not enough that I will do whatever I can to aid _you_?”

 

He feels her conflict and he wonders how much of what he’d been thinking filtered through this confusing, wonderful new connection.

 

“I don’t want to be your master,” she says sadly, answering his unvoiced question.

 

“And yet, you are.”

 

“I want … I want you to do what feels right to you.”

 

“You feel right to me. Let it be sufficient. Please?”

 

Her eyes are conflicted, but she nods.

 

He draws her close, emboldened by his choice. She will lead and he will follow. It has always been thus. He looks into her eyes for a long moment and feels through the Bond that he is welcome. He closes the scant distance between them and slowly, gently, presses his lips to hers. It is different and yet the same. The physical sensations are sharper, more urgent, but the warmth in his chest, the sense of tremulous perfection, it is familiar and exactly what they both need.

 

Her warm, pink tongue darts through his lips, almost demanding to be let in. He draws her into him and soon they’re kissing deeply. She reaches up and fists his hair in her hands, pulling him as close as she can. He clasps her tightly to him, one hand between her shoulder blades and the other at the small of her back, his hand so large it almost spans her slender waist. He feels her fingers pulling gently at his hair and he’s consumed by how she’s enthralling him. Her scent, her body, her mouth … desire is invading every cell in his body.

 

He pulls his mouth from hers and begins to kiss down her neck, starting at the point just below her ear. Her hair whispers against his face as he tastes her delicious skin. He reaches the base of her throat and sucks at the sensitive flesh. She moans and pulls his hand to her breast. He remembers how much she likes it when he touches her there and he snakes his fingers under her shirt. He draws her nipple between his questing fingers and marvels as she gasps as it tightens beneath his attentions.

 

He fixes her with his gaze, her eyes are slightly unfocused and her face is flushed, heat blooming across her pale cheeks. A lifetime of sun has faded after months on a cold ship.

 

“I want …” He can’t find the words to tell her that he wants to seal their new Bond and his fealty with their bodies. She had said she wanted to wait until she was awake, but now that she is, does she still want this? Want him half as badly as he wants her?

 

“Tell me, tell me what you want, Kylo.” That name, a source of comfort and belonging for so long, suddenly feels wrong and he’s spiraling into confusion.

 

“What, what is it?” she asks hurriedly.

 

“I don’t know if that’s my name any longer.”

 

“Do you want … do you want me to call you Ben?”

 

“I don’t know, Rey. Just don’t … don’t call me _that_ any longer.”

 

“I don’t care what your name is.” She catches his lips again and she’s kissing him so deeply. Soon he’s not sure he can even remember what any of his names are as she builds such fire in his belly.

 

She shifts and breathes into his ear, “Tell me what you want …”

 

“I want … I want to make you mine in all ways.”

 

“Yes, yes,” Rey murmurs against his cheek.

 

He lifts her into his arms and walks them over to the bed, never taking his eyes from hers. Her arms go around his neck and he feels her excitement, her joyful acceptance. He stands there for a moment simply looking into her and allowing that she wants him to seep into his veins. He lays her back on the bed and sits next to her. He runs his fingers through her hair until her chestnut waves are fanned out against the pillow. She’s breathing quickly and her eyes slide shut at the feeling of his tender touch.

 

“I love your hair,” he says with reverence.

 

“I know you do.”

 

“Will you still let me brush it for you?” Years tumble through his mind, then. Him behind her, brushing out her hair as she lets it grow. The clarity of this vision makes him ache and he wonders if she’s felt it.

 

“Oh yes. That was one of my favorite parts of the day, your gentle touch as you worked. It always made me feel … cared for.”

 

“Loved,” he corrects.

 

“Yes, loved.” Her lips turn into a small smile.

 

He trails his fingers from her crown down her face until they’re at the opening of her shirt. His hands shake as he begins to undress her. Yes, he’s seen her, breathtaking in her near nudity before him, but this is different somehow. She had pulled the clothing from her body then and the few times after, and now he’s unwrapping her. He remembers she had said she’d hidden scars from him and he knows he’ll kiss and soothe every point of pain, make her feel as desired, as whole, as she had made him feel.

 

He parts her garment and bares her lovely, small breasts. He sees then what she had meant. There are fine lines and nicks all along her torso where a lifetime of struggle has left its mark. He feels her insecurity then.

 

“Shhh, they’re perfect, they are you.” He bends over and runs his tongue lightly along a small starburst just below her collarbone as he pushes her shirt over her shoulders. He lifts her until she is seated and pulls the cloth from her body. He sees a long slash along her back and wonders how it happened.

 

“I fell; my line broke and I was caught on a jagged piece of decking.” He smoothes his hand along the textured skin.

 

“You will never struggle like that again. I won’t allow it.”

 

“And you will never be alone and desperate again. _I_ won’t allow it,” she promises fiercely. Her hands come up and she’s lifting his shirt from his body and soon they are looking at each other as they truly are, no distortion from hiding or misremembered details. He can’t help the moment of fear as he is exposed once again.

 

“You are still beautiful,” she whispers.

 

“And you, you are exquisite.” He pushes her back on the bed and his fingers tremble as he begins to pull the last of her clothing down. Now she is entirely naked before him and he’s seeing all of her for the first time. He’s fascinated by the apex of tight curls he finds and is seized by the desire to bury his face there, inhale her, taste her, know everything he can about her pleasure.

 

“I want to taste you, too,” she says shyly. His cock jumps at the thought. What would it feel like to have her warm mouth, so delectable in kisses, wrapped around him like that?

 

“We’ll have to find out, won’t we? Every night, we will find something new,” she says.

 

“Every night?”

 

“Every night. You’re mine now, and I will never let you go.” His throat is tight at the thought that she truly intends to keep him. He’d been cast away so thoughtlessly before. They both had.

 

He cradles her face in his hands, his strong fingers holding her firmly. “I will never abandon you. I will stand by you, with you, for the rest of my days. You are what I have been seeking my entire life,” he vows fiercely. Her eyes go wide and tears gather under her lashes.

 

“I believe you.”

 

He nods once, firmly, and stands. He pauses for a moment before taking this final step. He removes the rest of his clothes and lies next to her as she moves to face him. He takes her in his arms and wraps one long leg around her, his stiff length pushing against her thigh. They still and let their skin hum together, the pulse of this Bond moving through them. He can sense how much she likes the feel of his warmth pressed against her, that he’s making her feel safe in a way she’s never known before.

 

“You make me feel safe, too,” he breathes against her cheek as he drags his lips to hers. Their tongues are tangling again and he instinctively grinds against her. Pleasure glints and shudders through him as he shifts until he’s over her. Her soft, wet curls touch his hard cock and she pulls him closer to her still. Soon he’s pressing against her center and he can feel that he’s nudging against that absolutely marvelous bud that transports her so. She wants him to touch her again so he reaches his hand between them and finds that perfect node and begins to stroke. It’s hard and slick against his fingers and he circles his fingers firmly.

 

This is different than in her mind, the newly forged Bond assaulting his senses as he feels their twin want. Each pass of his fingers against her jolts deep inside him as he experiences what she’s feeling. All of his concern and fear has left him as he feels her desire for him grow and he thinks it might be time.

 

“Yes, please, yes. Be with me, deep inside.”

 

He moves his hand from her and grasps himself. He’s not quite sure how the mechanics work. He nudges his head against her warm, wet folds and gasps. She feels like velvet and heat and he tries to push into her, but the angle isn’t quite right. He starts to feel nervous again, that he’s failing her, when she reaches down and helps him, moving her hips to give him better access. There, his head has slipped in and _Force_ , just that feels so good. What if it’s over before it’s begun? He’s already so close, his cock weeping and his balls so tight. He’s never wanted anything the way that he wants Rey.

 

He’s hovering over her, just barely within her, and she’s panting, “Please, please, I _need_ you.” He focuses on Rey and gently pushes inside her. He feels every single millimeter of her as he slides into her, tight and warm. Then he senses … pain. _Pain_ ―he’s hurting her! He immediately pulls out, panicked, and scrabbles to the end of the bed. How dare he, how _dare_ he touch her. He feels an aching loss at the absence and he’s not sure whose feeling that is.

 

“I’m sorry!” he gasps, his hands out in supplication.

 

“No―what? No!” Rey’s eyes are wide with confusion.

 

“I hurt you; I _felt_ that I hurt you.” Self-loathing beats in his chest, howling that he will _always_ hurt her.

 

“It’s only because I’ve … we’ve never done this before. It’s normal.” She moves towards him, reaching out, trying to take his hands in hers. He pulls back; he’s afraid, so afraid of hurting her ever again.

 

“How do you know?” he asks fearfully.

 

Rey tries again to approach him and this time he lets her. She sits in front of him and twines her fingers with his. “The old women in Niima would talk about it sometimes. It passes. It’s supposed to be quick.”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you,” he whispers.

 

“It was already fading.” She pulls her hands from his and goes up on her knees so that he’s looking up into her eyes. She strokes her fingers along his frightened face and then she’s kissing him again. He doesn’t respond; he’s so angry at himself for hurting her.

 

“Shhh, love, shhh. I know you don’t want to hurt me. And it didn’t really―it was just a pinch. I would have warned you, but I thought you knew.” She kisses him again and this time he kisses back tentatively. He hesitantly puts his arms around her waist and begins to knead his fingers into her firm warrior’s body.

 

“I love the way your hands feel on me,” she breathes against his lips. She’s pulling him back to her and he feels himself begin to stir again. She shifts and soon she lowers herself, wrapping her legs around him until she’s nestled in his lap, his growing erection trapped between them. She grasps his hair and pulls his head back quickly and trails her tongue along his neck. She sucks gently at his flesh while continuing to firmly keep his head back. There’s something about how she’s pulling at his hair, the slight pain juxtaposed with the intimacy of her lips against his skin that scrambles his thinking. He moans out, “Rey …”

 

“Yes, come back to me, come back to me …” He tries to pull from her grasp and kiss her but she holds him fast, continuing to lick and kiss along his neck. Then she starts to bite tenderly and her sharp little teeth make him spark with want. He feels her loosen her grasp and he growls and lifts up slightly as he pushes her back on the bed, again hovering over her. He searches her eyes and feelings and finds nothing but pure hunger―for _him_.

 

He wonders if he uses his fingers first, opening her up to him that way, perhaps it might hurt less? He strokes his hand down her body, reveling in how he’s certain he will never get enough of her skin. He delves his fingers between her soft folds, still finding them wet and hot. He enters her shallowly with one finger, then another, and soon he’s thrusting three fingers deep inside her. She’s pushing back, keeping time with his pace. There’s something different about the texture of her in one particular spot so he curls his fingers and strokes along his new discovery. He feels her surprise as she throws back her head and cries out. He keeps moving his fingers within her, her pleasure building. He feels himself responding intensely to the tension he’s creating within her.

 

“Now, please, oh please, now,” she begs.

 

He breathes in sharply and gently pulls his fingers from her, almost sad to stop. He wants to know what would have happened if he’d kept going.

 

“Remember, we have all the time in the galaxy. Don’t make me wait any longer,” she pants out.

 

He grasps his cock and positions himself at her entrance, managing it without her help this time. He looks into her eyes and slowly, so slowly, presses into her. This time he senses no discomfort and his eyes roll back in his head as he experiences what it’s like to be buried within his love. It’s beyond words. It feels like everything he’s ever wanted. He’s inside her, as he’s been in her mind. He knows she feels it too, he can feel her awe at what it is to be so _filled_. He stays like that for a long time, just letting what it’s like to join with her in this way flood him, take him, transport him.

 

“I love you,” he says, willing her to understand what he’s trying to say with the only words available to him.

 

“Oh, I know, how I know. I love you.” He’s on his elbows, his face very close to hers. He doesn't think it could possibly feel any better when she rolls her hips, encouraging him to move. Her slick, taught walls caress him and he moans, deep in his throat. He begins to thrust into her slowly, each press back into her pushing her slightly up the bed.

 

“Oh Maker, yes; you feel _incredible_ ,” she whimpers as her fingers dig into his shoulders.

 

He starts to feel more comfortable with the rhythm and speeds up. Oh Force, he’s never felt anything, _anything_ like this. Each stroke ratchets him higher and he’s coming undone. There are no boundaries between them, the physical and emotional sensations are bleeding into each other and somehow touch is love and devotion is flesh.

 

He’d wanted to be gentle, but he can’t and soon he’s pounding into her wildly, desperate sounds of passion torn from his throat. He is hers and she is his and he’s not even sure whose orgasm is licking at their heels. Her quaking, quivering walls are spurring him to thrust in as hard as he can. His back bows and he roars out, “Rey!” Blinding, exquisite, total bliss courses through him as he spills himself inside her. He’s as deep as he can possibly be as he begins to be able to breathe, see, think again. Her walls are still pulsing around him and little aftershocks run up his spine. He looks down into her delicate face and finds it full of wonder; he hopes he’s not been alone in this singular experience.

 

“No, no, I felt it too. I’m not really sure what was you and what was me, but I felt it, oh I felt it,” she says eagerly.

 

“Did you …?”

 

“I think so? It certainly felt like I did. The Bond made it so intense … by the end I couldn’t separate who was feeling what,” she says as she smiles. She lifts her hand and strokes it through his hair, now slick with sweat.

 

He suddenly realizes they’re still joined and he starts to pull from her. “No, please, stay. Just a little longer.”

 

He settles back down and he peppers her face with kisses. He’s so full of all that she is to him; he wants to tell her, he wants to make sure that she knows.

 

“I know. I know. But … do you know?” Rey asks.

 

“Know what?”

 

“Know that everything you feel for me, I feel for you?”

 

“I … yes, I sense it, but I do find it difficult to believe.”

 

“I hope, in time, you won’t doubt me so much.”

 

“I’ve told you; it’s not you I doubt.”

 

“Then what?”

 

“I doubt that I could ever be worthy of this love that you give me.”

 

“Lucky for both of us that it isn’t up to you.”

 

“No, I suppose it isn’t. Besides, it doesn’t really matter. I am entirely yours and if you’re foolish enough to want that then I shall not dissuade you.”

 

She smiles up at him and cranes her neck to kiss him. He closes the distance and kisses her deeply. He pulls back again, wanting to keep looking at her lovely face. Her eyes are growing unfocused and her lids are heavy.

 

“Sleep, we need sleep,” he says.

 

“Only a little bit.”

 

“Morning is many hours away.”

 

“Who says I’m letting you stay asleep until morning?” His brows rise at that and, impossibly, he feels himself growing hard again.

 

Her eyes immediately widen and her drowsiness is gone in an instant.

 

“Or …” she says suggestively as she captures his lips with a possessive kiss.

 

\---

 

“You’re willing to assist the Resistance?” Leia asks. He and his mother are in Leia’s office.

 

“Yes, anything I know you will know,” he promises.

 

“And you’ll be willing to work with us to take down Snoke?” Leia presses.

 

“I will do everything in my power to bring down both the First Order and the Supreme Leader.” He has given Rey his word and he has always kept his word to the best of his ability.

 

“Why, what has changed?” Leia cocks her head to the side and she’s listening intently.

 

“I am loyal to Rey, she is loyal to you,” he says simply.

 

“But you do not feel any personal connection to the cause.” Leia purses her lips and sits back in her chair.

 

“Do I need to? I have always done what I vowed to do, and I vow to you, here, now, that I will see this done.” He’s already told Rey that he would fight for the Resistance, this is just a formality.

 

“It would be easier to make the case to the other leaders if you had experienced a genuine change of heart.”

 

“I did. My heart is hers.”

 

“I’m very happy that it is,” Leia says softly, a gentle mother’s smile filling her face. “Rey is an amazing girl, you are lucky to have found her.”

 

“I know.” He still can’t quite believe that she wants to be with him, that she gave herself to him. What’s more, she seems to genuinely want to twine her life with his, this new Bond a welcomed development, not a burden she must carry. He worries that she will come to regret it and he knows he will do all in his power to live up to the faith she has shown him. He will be the man that deserves Rey. He knows he has found his true purpose.

 

\---

 

The Resistance has given him provisional permission to stay so long as he continues to cooperate. He and Rey are walking along the edge of the base, shadowed by two discreet guards. A few personnel give them strange looks, but they are left alone.

 

“How are things with … Leia?” Rey asks cautiously.

 

“My mother … as you said, she’s my mother.” She reaches out and curls her fingers around his. He treasures the way she always seems to want to touch him.

 

“So … better?” she asks.

 

“It will take time, but I believe we have made a beginning. She likes you quite a bit,” he says as he smiles at her. He’s not sure how he will mend all that he’s broken, but he will take this chance that Rey has given him. He feels as if he’s waking up, and he’s aware the he has missed his mother very much.

 

“I’m glad, that makes things easier,” Rey says as they walk.

 

“Easier?”

 

“We’re going to have a lifetime together and it would be tricky if your mother didn’t like me.”

 

“It wouldn’t matter.” He is cautiously hopeful about his relationship with his mother but Rey is his true family, now.

 

“It would matter to me. I’ve never known what it was like to have a family. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of that.”

 

“Well, it’s good that this is not an issue. Besides, I hope you know that you _do_ have a family now. Me. You will never be alone again.”

 

“And neither will you.”

 

They walk for a long time, simply enjoying the freedom of time together. He senses how much she has missed the sun.

 

“So you’re really staying, we’re fighting, together?” Rey asks, a little whisper of lingering insecurity running through the Bond.

 

“I go where you go, Rey.”

 

“Oh, Kyl- right, sorry,” she says sheepishly.

 

He stops them walking and turns her to face him. He takes her face in his hands and looks deeply into her eyes as he says, “Ben. Call me Ben.”

  
THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to my incomparable beta and dear friend, Meaghan M/Juulna. We did it again! I can't believe that we finished up another one! *grabs a startled Meaghan and dances her around the room*
> 
> And what can I say about Mr. Downing and his constancy that I've not said before? He's accepted my writing with such grace and support. Thank you, Biscuit.
> 
> There were many people who read a chapter or 15 on the way to getting this sucker finished. Thank you Hannidae, MeganD1, MissHarper, The Dark Becomes You, Terapid, and ArtemisBare for all of your support. *blows kisses*
> 
> Thank you readers!!! You consistently blow me away with your insight and generosity. I am incredibly lucky that you have given this story your time and attention. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.

**Author's Note:**

> Come say 'hi' on tumblr, perrydowning.


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